I’ve been contemplating my death for years, but recently it has become a constant thought. I’m continually planning exactly everything I need to do to make sure that no one has to clean up after me, no physical, financial, or emotional mess. I don’t want my mum to have to deal my mess.
I’m a mum, and this makes it hard, because I love them so much, but I’m destroying them, my whole being is pointless, and toxic in their lives, and they deserve so much more. I just don’t want them to have any burden…If I was able to just disappear and there would be no consequences to show up after, then they can forget about the horrible woman who made them miserable, and gave them nothing…
I’m unlovable in so many senses, unlovable and unworthy..and life screams that at me daily so I can’t forget it. It hurts to be awake now, and my thoughts break my heart. I’m conflicted with the love for my children, who deserve so much more, but I selfishly think they need me too sometimes.
Maybe I’m not serious, and this just a cry for help. I just know my worthlessness is so very real.
6 comments
Fear thoughts do attack the thinker. The can not be avoided, because the thinker believes in them, trusts them, and is afraid. But they can be replaced, because the thinker retains choice and can choose another starting point than fear. Religion has, as its purpose, the providing of a different starting point, namely, The Divine, in which there is perfection and nothing else.
The Divine Thought purifies the mind. To the extent that religion is used to encourage condemnation, its positive value is quickly cancelled out by encouraging fear and hatred.
Use it wisely.
Don’t do it you might say that your the bad mother but what if once your gone your kids are adopted by someone who abuses them mentally and physically they are gunna be wondering where did there mother go think of the out come on your kids if your life is so dependent on you ….
The stresses of the world can do this to a person. Seems like you need a break.
Just like me exactly, my existince is negative for my kids. I have appointed my day to hang myself. What about u?
This is not a good idea to leave kids shocked & alone 🙁 , imagine the 1st night without u, they feel sad, cant sleep, looking for u but nobody tell them where r u. Idk what r your motivations? but if u still have some love for them, live for them till they grow then feel free to do anything to your soul.
If u like to talk but not in public, just post me & i’ll reply gladly;
goods_maker@yahoo.com
Skype: dolunay80
u r welcome anytime 🙂 .
Please don’t. Take it from a girl who lost her father to suicide. The child(ren) become exposed to it, It’s a feeling that is in-explainable. Living in the shadow of a suicide opens doors to thoughts of suicide for him or herself. Be there for your kids, they love you. This is something I’m sure of. I hope you can see this and begin to feel better. I wish you the best for you and your kids.
Oh, and another thing- You are far from worthless. <3