At what point in life does one just give up ? I’m 45, have suffered from depression for over two and a half decades. It has ruined my life. I say ‘it’ though I mean myself. I use it as an excuse, a plea and as a way of life. I want to sleep, I want to die. I know it’s selfish but one needs a better reason to go on. I’ve so completely ruined my life, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function. I am today a frighted child. I want to be rescued, I sort of expect to be rescued, I don’t take responsibility. I make excuses and expect the world to understand, to love me and above all to forgive me. Pretty pathetic.
People ask me how I am and I lie. I just want to sleep, to be done with life, to accept that I failed. Bloody victim. I just so tired. I don’t understand other people, I want so much to be like them, to love and to get excited. Damn it, I don’t understand, I am too frightened to take responsibility. I utterly hate myself.
Do you ever become envious of the dead ? stolid question to ask on this site but I do; I just want it to happen to me. No life, peace in oblivion ……
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I know how you feel. The hard part is actually doing it. Too bad humans don’t come with an off switch.
I’m a lot like you. Sometimes I am envious of the dead, because no matter what they were in life, they are praised for the lives they led. Then again, suicide victims are often criticized, by those who have been “hurt” by the act.
But I also lie to people; I say my work is going well when I am unemployed. I say I’m doing well when I suffer inside. Also I am very quiet and shy, and so nobody talks to me, which I understand. I often wish I were outgoing like others, so people will talk to me more.
And I also want to be rescued, that something divine will happen to me, out of the blue. I need to work harder to make things happen, instead of hoping they will come to me.
So you aren’t alone with your feelings, thanks for writing.
Thank you.
I suppose all of us who suffer from depression want to be rescued. The depression destroys us, it takes our will and our energy.
Ironically, I was told last night that I was on gear form. The act. The truth though was that I could hardly focus, using old routines to cover the inner fear. Yes, I am also shy though few would guess it. The performance is pretty impassive, like my father I can hide my demons, but only for a short while; I need to be in and out. I’m ashamed.
The thing is, only we can rescue ourselves, others can help but ultimately it is down to us; I know about the work thing. I have over the years built an income and now it comes in whether I work or not. I am fortunate but without work, life becomes pretty meaningless. We need that sense of achievmant, that sense of puose. I just find it so damned difficult now, I envy others. Is envy part of depression ?
My father killed himself and so have a number of others I know, two by poison, one by jumping, another by shotgun and fith by hanging. I have to say, people don’t actually say too much about their departure. I, personally, never thought I’ll of my father, or indeed any of the others. I think I just accepted it, suicide, as part of life. I’ve just thought of a second person who hanged himself. I don’t know. I don’t think people understand. For Gods sake, I don’t understand this illness mysel and that despite one he’ll of a lot of treatment. I just suffer it and pray for escape
Sorry, relied on the spell checkout, seems to have changed one or two words.
Cracked…..like, all I can say to you is Bravo…sincerely! The best thing about this site is it’s (for the most part) 100% real…It’s reality at its most potent. I would rather have the real, than illusion. You’re in a real life scenario and you’re there giving it you’re absolute all. I’m not ashamed at all, nor should you be. This site has allowed me to help so many others and you’re life as meaningless as you may feel is and has been purposeful beyond what I may be able to express….Period!! It’s so easy to confuse with our life circumstance, then think that means we’re worthless and everything else that goes with it. To choose an exit in your circumstance is not selfish and is not looked up on that way from the other side or a Spiritual perspective. ….there are weaker minded individuals on this site who have not been in the trenches as long as you or the older people here and may judge you….comes down to your individual choice…that’s all.
With what I have endured, from my perspective I can’t believe I’m still alive….literally unfathomable-I do double takes all day. I embellish, pretend and make the very best of my situation in the face of others and we have to!!! You have to, there’s no shame in that…I watched my life script be ripped apart, my passions, everyone and everything I held dear-vanish. …I have to laugh. Bravo, brother….should you choose to bow out, go to the light….you will be welcomed and loved as you, I and everyone always have. Blessings for your staying in the fight. The people who will never know of this site are in the illusion carrying on as though everything is hunky-dory. They for whatever reason do not see or know the truth…..Don’t confuse your inner experience with the outer experience you see others having….You’re golden brother…Hear me when I say this. Cheers!