i don’t really know why i am wasting my time writing this. ultimately, i am probably too big of a coward to actually kill myself. but i’m just a giant waste of life. i’m 48, never married, no kids, no real relationships, blew my law career into pieces, work a shitty job, am broke, owe a ton of money, what family i do have is not close and nobody really cares about me anyway. just absolutely nothing at all going and totally hopeless. i will never get out of this hole. i live alone and have totally isolated myself from everybody and everything. nothing is any fun anymore. i haven’t dated in years. and all i can see of my “future” is living to be 80 with zero going for me, slogging thru the next 30 years, working a crappy job until the day i finally die, poor and alone. why not go out on my own terms? the only reason i haven’t done it so far is i have a cat that will be 19 in january and i don’t want to dick him over like i have so many other people in my life. even the cat deserves better than me.  i need help but no insurance and affordable care really isn’t very affordable. i have seen shrinks in the past, psychologists and psychiatrists. been on add medicine, sleeping medicine and anti-depressants. it didn’t really help. maybe writing this will be cathartic in some way and i can at least manage to pull it all together for a few more weeks till the happy and joyous christmas season gets here. i am not optimistic about my prospects and i really don’t care. i just wish i would die in my sleep….
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I understand how you feel. I feel the same way about my life – why be here, but for different reasons. Just like you my cats have kept me here too. I just get thru day to day and one way is to try to smile a lot and make other people smile when I can. Hang in there, but I totally understand what a battle it is everyday. The times its worst for me is when I’m alone with my thoughts at night and my mind goes to all the dark places. I just try to remember that tomorrow is new and it might not be such a aweful day.
I’m really sorry for the hand you were delt and struggles your facing, but I wanted to let you know that it’s awesome you think to stick around for your cat. That was one of my first thoughts too when considering death. I know my cats would be left to fend for themselves and there are already too many kitties in shelters and such. I’m sure your feline friend thanks you.
I feel the same way you do but i’m ten years younger. I wish I had a cat to care for because that may give me a reason to live. No matter how much effort I put into making my like better it always falls flat. I don’t want to have to live like this much longer.
i hear you. its a miserable existence. i’m miserable. its hard to imagine having to repeat this ridiculous process for years to come. some asinine version of groundhog day that never ends. i just feel like i am running out of rope.
its ok harmony. its not your fault.
I’m not looking forward to the future. I can’t remove the pain, replace the bad memories or go back in time to try and change my outcome. I’m tired. no type of progression in my life.
It’s really lame for me to tell you that your life sucks. That honestly isn’t what you need to hear. I’m sorry. I was here to post a long ass… rant. Mainly to get a lot of crap out of my system. I saw your post and it got my attention because I feel for you. I want to tell you something that will make you feel better, but I can’t think of anything without sounding like a hypocrite, and I hate hypocrites (I have a long list of things that I hate, so that isn’t too surprising). Just… You’re not alone. At least thinking about your cat is keeping you up and going… somewhat. If I find a solution for your problem, which is basically my own same problem, I’ll let you know. I will leave, telling you, stay strong. Easier said than done, I know. But still, stay strong.
Barryg, you have a cat! That is HUGE! Have you thought about expanding on that? Getting more cats, writing an absolutely ludicrous cat story for children, volunteering at an animal shelter, posting youtuve videos of your cat, starting a blog about how your cat is the aged king and only keeps you around as a servant! Look. All my suggestions are silly, but life is silly. Life has only the meaning you give it. Thats hard to do. If you cannot find one worthwhile, then suicide is an option. Life IS a FIGHT. Why fight so hard if you cant come up with a good reason? Try to find some heavy boxing gloves to strap on and start swinging or gracefully bow out of the ring. Bc it sucks to just stand there taking the punches 🙁
that is a good analogy… i am tired of taking punches. whats the point??
The one you come up with. There is no other one. Life has no inherent meaning. That doesnt have to be as depressing as it sounds. But it is as hard as it sounds for those intelligent enough to live an examined life.