It is fortunate that I found this website and messages from people having similar problems. Misery loves company I guess. Despite medication everyday life is increasingly uninteresting to me and not worth facing the challenge. If I stay for a few hours with people, even the few friends I have, I feel exhausted and need a day or two to recover by being alone. Old mechanisms helping me to avoid feeling the big hole in me stop working and dr Alzheimer is beginning to knock at my door.
In secondary school I realized that when life gets too hard there is always an exit. Now, at 50, the time is slowly coming to say finita la comedia. I still have enough money to live comfortable life for 3 years. So no hurry but … cowardice and procrastination are my second and third name. How, being unmotivated to do anything, can I expect to force myself to do something as dramatic as ending my life when I am not suffering from great immediate pain? How do I tame the animal in me clinging to life at any cost, as it is programmed to do?
I have a few ideas like making peace in my mind with all people I met in my life and meditating on unconditional love I shall encounter on the other side. I am making preparations to get ******** and play for some time with the bottles and other stuff to make it less scarry. As the last resort I would try to generate strong temporary pain but hopefully it does not come to that. Besides I am not sure if I will be able to do it. Drinking alcohol and smoking green stuff has to be limited or I might fail to execute the procedure correctly.
Obviously I am not in enough discomfort to consider ending my life right now but this moment is coming. Life is losing last colors for me and my existence is ever more reduced to killing time while waiting for being ready to kill myself. Hence my question: how do you trick your survival instinct when it comes to „pulling the trigger� Like most people here I would like to go to sleep one day and never wake up but few are that lucky. Some of you tried to end your life more than once. Silly as it sounds: do you have any tips?
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2 comments
Same for me. Its only a matter of time. I will wait it out a bit and see if things change. If not, there is 1 scenario where I know I would eld it. I am left with an older mom now, I take care of her. Dad died 8 years ago. Mom now depends on me, which I gladly take care of her. I have no other worthwhile family. 1 woman cares for me, but I cant expect her to leave her husband because its wrong under Gods’ eyes. There is a point where I will likely be alone, it can happen at any time. Mom gets sick, I am alone. Not good. No Job, no real good friends, I am already depressed because of my wife of more than 14 years left me (for another man). I see a point where I have NOTHING to live for, really. How do you overcome a fear? Just stick to your plan. Thats what I will do. If I have a gun then, I will simply do it quickly to myself (I dont intend to take anyone with me). Meds… I’ll find a sufficient cocktail to take, make it foolproof by taking it and going into the ocean. I wont call anyone. I’ll just do it. If you have to get to that point, its best to simply be impulsive I think. I hope I dont reach that point.
you mentioned alzheimers…. are you diagnosed with that? My dad died from it. Likely I will get it if I last that long. I am already experiencing memory issues, not sure if its stress, meds, or the start of something else. If I am left alone, I just hope I am still alert enough to actually end my life in a sufficient manner.