In Desperation

Today I had just gone to my counselor and talked to her, feeling like today was a better day than i had had in a while. But once i came home, it got even worse.

just for a quick background and to get it off my chest, here’s my story.

All my life id imagine the perfect family, me and my two sisters, and my mother and father who ere deeply in love and loved each of their children deeply. When i was four, they got divorced and it has been an ongoing battle for over 14 years now. It has caused so many lies and backstabbing within my family whom i cared for deeply and has created deeply rooted emotional issues between each of us. Since my mum would be at work during the day, my sisters and i went to a friend’s house to be watched over. He’d pick us up from school and take us to his house where several other kids came to be watched until they could be picked up. Over time, i remember that hed take me into his basement alone in the dark and sit me on his lap. hed feed me candy and rub my bare tummy, sometimes talking to me. but i was little, i had no idea what all this meant. And years later as police reports came out about this man, it was discovered that hed abused other kids, including my sisters and i. Growing up, i never thought it really had an impact on me since i was so little and hardly remembered anything. But once he had finally been put in jail and the police contacted me, i realized that there was a bigger issue at hand, one that i had no idea what kind of story itd unravel. Anyways, despite the abuse and the tragedy between my parents, when i was nine, my mum moved back to her hometown with my sisters and i. shortly after being settled in, my oldest sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. this was horrible, she was the youngest on the books to be diagnosed with such a mature disease. and so the stats on her getting better were very low and the whole time she was in the hospital and getting treatment, our family struggled. Around this same time, id fly by myself back to visit my father. I tried to keep up in school and things seemed to be ok.

Now, fast forward to shortly after my 17th birthday. I had been struggling with depression, cutting myself and thinking of several ways to attempt suicide. however, a teacher at school referred me to a counselor and i spilled to him everything. of course he had to call my mum and tell her that he feared i was going to endanger myself. eventually i started to feel better and thought that i was over all those dark feelings. over that summer, i became close to this man (we’ll just represent him with the letter D) at my  church who watched over the youth group. Him and his wife had become family friends. I opened up to him and eventually started to look to him as though he were the dad id never really had the opportunity to have. inevitably, that relationship became progressive and strange. it bothered me where things were going, but i figured that he was my ‘dad’ its ok. but after months of much abuse, i realized and got the courage to tell him enough was enough. he backed down and we’d act as though nothing had happened. But the effects of the abuse were really starting to affect me. I didnt want to get him in trouble by spilling everything to the bishop or a professional, but i needed help. D told me he’d look into anonymous therapy that i could try to get help. This past summer, i had opened up to my boyfriend about the situation, just the basic that i had been abused and he had always encouraged me to talk about it and get help. So one day i got the courage to tell my mum. I texted my sister and told her that i was ready to tell my mum (I had previously told my sister about D a few months earlier, but she hadn’t really done anything to help). That same day that i decided to talk to mum, D texted me saying he had found some kind of therapy service that we could start whenever i was ready. That night as i was telling mum the jist of what had been happening the past year basically, i had received a text from D telling me that he had gone to the bishop and his wife and told them everything, that he couldnt live with himself anymore. and so when my mum had called the bishop, he knew exactly why she was calling. Now, mum had the responsibility to report this to the police but i told her i didn’t want to do that. Mum said she’d give D a week to turn himself in. a week passed and nothing, so mum and i went to the bedroom and called the PD. As we were filing the report, they operator on the line told us that he had just walked in as we were on the phone and reported the issue himself. Mum and i knew something was terribly wrong. TWICE he had dealt with things himself JUST BEFORE we had. After some time passed, come to find out that my sister had been with D as well. She had informed him of all my plans and told him to go to the police and everything. Believe me, i was shaking from rage. So since then, ive tried going to a kind of therapy and trying to deal with things because people have told me that i can’t just ignore it. And i know this to be true. I’ve had nightmares, emotional outbursts, and ive been feeling my depression coming back.

I walk through the halls of my school with a dead expression, not feeling or caring about a single thing. im just existing, going through the motions and doing the bare minimum to keep going. I’ve thought up several ways of how id attempt suicide and thought how id be so much happier if i just did it. I’ve thought that if i died, i could finally go back to heaven and see my maker and find the truth and comfort and become healed. and that thought, i tell you is very appealing. I just feel like there are so many issues with me that itd take years to fix and wondering whats the point anymore?

At this point in my life, its just so hard. Mum just had a serious surgery, and my grandpa is going in for open heart next week. theyre the ones i have to rely on for transportation and so its been stressful to find where i can get help getting around, my father just randomly got palsy in his face and is going in for surgery on this friday. And then im supposed to fly out the next friday to visit him. He lives with his mother who is also having serious health issues. I’ve been feeling very frustrated with mum and being stuck here at home when i just want to go out with my boyfriend. who just told me tonight that he was thinking about dying as well. He has had a very tragic past. and then the girl who’s been my best friend for six or seven years, all the sudden now is always angry with me and hates my bf and puts him down all the time. All the while trying to deal with this, Im sitting here busy trying to work on myself, make myself better. Keep up with my school work, get in all my applications in before the timelines, and try to work through all these issues in affect of my abuse. Im losing hope, and feeling very weak…