thoughts and feelings

I’m sorry but I need to let this out before I go.

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live trapped in my own brain. I can’t break out and just be myself. I hate waking up hating myself for being this loser. I hate that I can’t be like everyone else. I can’t really talk, I can’t join in, I can’t have fun. I’ve talked some but it’s still always censored and reserved. It’s not the real me. It’s the quiet conservative personality I learned in order to make it through my childhood. I hate myself for still being like this. No one has ever met the real me. No one ever will. Even if I stayed, I’m too fucking broken to be fixed. On top of that everything I try to do to get my life back on track keeps falling apart in my hands. It’s hopeless, and this just fucking hurts too much.

Dear fake ass christian parents. It wasn’t demons. It wasn’t the devil. It wasn’t bad genes. It was you. You fucked up this family. You’re the reason all that bad shit happened. You brought your angry narcissistic crap into this family and screwed it up. You aren’t special. You don’t get special rights and privileges. Fuck both of you.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything like that, but I have to. I’m not strong enough and I can’t handle feeling like this anymore. Thank you to everyone who was nice to me and to everyone who tried to help me. I really appreciate it. Goodbye.

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