I recently wrote a piece which received a stunning number of sarcastic responses. The majority of these said I don’t understand. So here’s my story.
I grew up with an abusive father. Two of my four siblings were depressed. One of my brothers killed himself when I was eleven. I found the body.
My first husband was abusive. I finally divorced him after he was sent to jail for locking me to the garden shed and lighting it on fire. I escaped, but. My neck and right arm were baddly scarred.
I work mainly as an investigative journalist, in places such as child labor facilities in china, and animal experimentation labs. I also volunteer with several programs for the depressed.
Last year I lost my son in the car crash that killed my second husband. That leaves just my daughter who is clinically depressed.
I am not depressed. Why is your life so horrible?
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18 comments
I am happy that you haven’t let your situation drag you down. That makes you very strong, but your post makes the rest of us feel like we are failing more than we already are. Some of us aren’t that strong. I understand what you are trying to say, but it comes across kind of condescending.
Not to be condescending, but my first post resulted in an outpouring of “you don’t understand” I just wanted to show people that my life does, in fact, suck, and that I do understand. I’m sorry.
I didn’t read your other post but do sound like you’re belittling other people’s experiences. Just because you could cope with a ton of traumatic stuff and come out of it like conquering hero doesn’t mean that others could or should.
Suffering is relative-some people want to kill themselves over a relationship breakup and others have had much worse experiences. I think it’s simply a matter of respecting everyone’s experiences and not comparing notes or have a pissing contest of who suffered more in life.
Yeah, people have made that mistake with me, too. Just because I try to be kind or positive sometimes, they all would assume I had no problems. Oh well. Don’t take it personally. Everybody who ends up on this site had a reason to be here.
I’m sorry your life has been so difficult. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your son and husband.
When I first started posting I was kind and encouraging, but honestly I just got so much negitive response I felt like venting
The easy way is usually the best way. Occasionally it isn’t, depending on how you define it, or the surrounding conditions… but expending more effort than is necessary, when the same can be accomplished with less, is just sound policy. If you spend more than you need to spend, you have less remaining for the next thing.
It always bewilders me when people who “aren’t depressed” end up here.
And had it not already become trite, so long ago, i might have taken offense at the condescension indicated by “why is your life so horrible?” It’s almost like you’re mad that other people are depressed over what you see as “less severe.” IMO, you should be congratulating yourself for being better or stronger than typical people, rather than seeming appalled and insulted by anyone being depressed over less severe problems than yours. It’s really not up to you to decide who is allowed to be whatever degree of depressed, and about what.
From my perspective, despite your hardships, you seem to possess the will to live, and a semblance of a sense of purpose. That’s something not everyone still has, something you should be thankful for, as well as realizing it can be lost. Losing that might teach you first hand, just why others seem to think their lives are “so horrible.”
There is an event horizon, beyond which most cannot return. For many, once they cross that line, that point of no return, the best they can do is fight the gravity and delay the inevitable… but never escape it. It’s like being sucked into a “black hole.” Once you pass the event horizon, from which not even light can escape, it’s like no one even sees you anymore. They only see an illusory shadow of who you used to be.
Again, I was mostly just frustrated because so many people told me that I “didn’t understand” because I wasn’t depressed.
Well, often, others will comment while i’m composing a comment, and i will not see the others until i refresh the page. There was only one comment when i started.
You’re allowed to be frustrated. And maybe “because you’re not depressed” isn’t really the correct reason for why you don’t understand… but it can be very difficult to articulate exactly what and why someone doesn’t understand, or what and why, which would help them to do so.
Either way, it’s pretty common for the depressed to feel like no one else really understands… and i can’t really say they’re wrong to feel that way, even if it seems cliche to say “no one understands.” Maybe it’s just not possible to “truly understand” any other human being. Maybe some people don’t really want to understand, even when they claim or behave as if they would.
Easyway, becaise you DONT. You JUST said you werent depressed. David Foster Wallace, one of the most famous suicides, came from an affluent loving family, had a wife and parents who tried desperately to help cure his depression, and was considered THE literary genius of his generation. Yet hevwas still found hanging one day after being left alone for a few hours. “He was so strong for so long.” said his mother. You understand ‘tragedy.’ That is NOT the same. My life is not horrible. But I plan on exiting by my own hand due to my own internal turmoil that has little to do with my environment. Can you understand that?
Well stated. Your last paragraph really sums it up, at least for me. That spinning down goes faster and faster and the pain greater and greater. I often logically try to ask myself why I can’t force myself to get free, I used to be able to do that…not anymore.
There is nothing “easy” in making this decision. Many have fought for years, some never try. It is a hard laborious journey, no matter what you eventually decide.
I failed to see the sarcasm and the “you don’t understand.”
Congratulations on outlasting the tragedies that beset you. But how can I explain why my life is so horrible? I don’t believe depression should be a competition. But in truth, you probably don’t really understand… unless you’ve been gripped by the depths of the darkness.
I asked you how you knew it got better and how you knew that there were many help programs… since you think that getting better is some magical, easy choice that we simply choose not to make, which indeed sounds condescending…
As much as i understand the sentiment that “suicide is not the easy way out…”
I think we all have to admit that making an exit must certainly be easier than just riding it out until its natural conclusion. After all, one of the most common motivators is the sentiment of “i can’t do/take/stand this anymore.”
Although the actual process of deciding and executing a plan, shouldn’t be called “easy.”
Still, i have to think it would be more difficult to go on enduring the life you do not want to continue enduring.
Just because one thing is harder or worse than another, doesn’t mean the other thing is “easy” or “good.”
If there is an “easy way,” i guess i haven’t found it. Though i suppose it would reside somewhere between “wu wei” and “mutatis mutandis.”
Depression is just a word people tend to use to describe any remote feeling of sadness. True depression is like being knocked out by a heavyweight boxer or drinking a bottle of whisky before someone tries telling you to ‘get up’.
@clevername: I could not agree more. I passed my “event horizon” a long time ago.
@the easy way isnt the best way: With no disrespect intended, everyone feels differently and reacts differently to trauma and grief. Some of us are able to pick ourselves up after pain, some of us are not. IMO, you’re lucky that you can. But I find being asked “Why is your life is so horrible?” unfair. To my knowledge, you have never met any of us or walked a mile in our shoes, just as I have not walked a mile in yours. You were given a set of skills to deal with extreme trauma; but some were not. Everyone has different thresholds of pain and different skills of coping. It’s just the way the universe/creator/genetics/life situations made us. It is not good or bad, but please understand that for some of us, our lives are “horrible” for reasons that most persons in society could never understand.
I used to watch horror movies and I loved them. When someone would ask me why, I could not explain. I just told them that if you love horror, you’d understand. If you don’t, no explanation on the planet will make sense. Same thing here. My life right now, at least emotionally, is horrible and I am in tremendous pain. I don’t think I can explain that to someone who is not (I am not presuming to know what you feel or don’t feel, it just seems from your post that you’re coping well.) But for someone else that is in extreme emotional pain, no explanation is needed.
I am so very sorry for your losses.
How would you like to help?
Exit already planned, place, where, when is forthcoming on some additional info. It will NOT be easy but I will be at peace, finally.
@ the easy way isnt the best way I think it’s extremely rude, inappropriate and offensive to all of us here who ARE suffering from extreme depression for someone like you to come to a website like this for no reason other than to brag about overcoming whatever you overcame. Good for you. It’s like you’re just here to say, I did this, I’m better than all of you, what the f*** is wrong with you? Why don’t you just do the same as I did. Well you know what? We don’t all have the same coping skills as someone previously mentioned and as someone else mentioned, different circumstances and/or different people’s minds cause suffering in many ways. We can’t all be as mighty as you and Just Cope.
You have too much time on your hands that you can just troll on a random suicide website, when apparently you’re doing just fine, despite whatever you went through. Are you here just for sympathy or to get congratulations on how well you’ve done. Fine. Congratulations. Whatever. This really pisses me off.