So, how should I go? I was thinking drugs. I’ve been sober for a while, but always love IV opiates. One last bang, then a little more. Pretty clean way to go. Exsanguination is pretty easy. Femoral artery is easy to hit. Get in the bathtub and everything just goes down the drain.
all three of my kids were taken from me, over the course of decades, repeatedly. Completely unrelated to each other. I followed one around the world, but I can’t fall in love with her. She’ll just leave me again. I said I’d never survive if I lost her, and maybe I didn’t. Maybe I really am already dead.
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Do you ever wander if life is a game and the goal is to make it to the end without killing yourself?
If that were true, I’d check out now. Got a box of benzos last night. Should do the trick. 40mg of lorazepam.
I sometimes entertain both those thoughts: “maybe i’m already dead, and this is actually the afterlife…” “maybe this is a game, and finishing without ending it myself, is the objective…”
But honestly, i don’t think either is actually true. I think i’m actually alive, and life just actually sucks this much, and there is no reward to be attained or “unlocked” by simply avoiding suicide.
This is just this, and that’s just that. It’s enough to break a mind.