Lately I’ve been very fixated on methods. I seem to contrive of a new one daily. While yes, bullet to the head seems simple enough, that doesn’t account for where, when, how to aim it, how to exactly pull the trigger, and what message to leave behind,
These are the things which consume my thoughts, and I have conceived of a number of plans for how to end my life.
Rambling details of various methods redacted to comply with site rules.
Gun, knife, rope, jump, fire, drowning, my brain just keeps coming up with these way to do it, and I can’t stop it. It used to conjure robots or inventions to make my life better but now my creativity is spent only on ways to end it.
I begin to work backwards from these plans, what do I do in the seconds before the event? The minutes? What do I do in my last hour alive? Who, if anyone, do I want to be there when I finally leave this world?
3 comments
I woudnt want anyone to be around me.
My attempt, I had a gun in the car, fully loaded, I chose not to use it on myself.
I went out in the water late at night, around 430 AM. Noone around at all, just a few birds and fish splashing.
I would want it as peaceful as possible, no chance of interruption.
If I made that absolute final decision with no looking back, Id make sure it is fool proof for me.
I agree with that. I fear failure more than death.
That is why I haven’t tried, despite sleeping with a 9mm under my pillow every night. I’m not going to do it until I know I will succeed.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts becomes a hobby.