I feel robbed

Last year I broke up with a long term partner, during the last stages of the relationship i wished to die every single night (my prayers werent answered) I tried to commit suicide when i was 14 by hanging but people kept going upstairs where i was going to do it. The last time i was 17 and over dosed on pills. After the break down of my relationship, i had to move back to my parents house, the only one who i spoke to about my suicidal feelings was a family member, just how i was planning it.

At the beginning of this year he committed suicide, no note left, nothing. I feel robbed i was the one who was planning it, biding my time and all for what? nothing. I have a new partner now, who knows nothing about how much i want to die. The mental anguish i go through every single day, it hurts, something inside wants out.  But i cant do it not yet, i will wait my time, when people stop grieving for my family member and then i will be free, soaring through the sky, where there is no more pain and sadness.

A few weeks ago i was at a party and in a room full of people, i felt so alone, i ended up just crying in the corner and drinking alcohol. I am 27 and I am determind to do die before the age of 30, after all, everyone goes away in the end. I have already chosen which method – hanging, just like my family member. No one will miss me, I havent got any kids to tie me here. I have bipolar and other things, i have had enough, im done.