back again

Hello everyone, I wish I were dead.

I wanted to drive my car off the road today….but my partner was with me.  I would NEVER intentionally do that to anybody.  But still, it’s pretty scary to have such a strong desire to die when you’re behind the wheel.  I had to pull over, get out, and ask him to take over for me.  That’s how bad the urge was…….I almost don’t think I will drive anymore….

I don’t think there’s any need to explain why I want to die.  Sometime I don’t think it matters because I believe I’m just predisposed to feel this way.  I don’t feel happiness anymore, it seems.  I think I’m “happy” now simply when I’m not distraught.  I”m a wreck and a freak.  And when I manage the rare courage to express how I feel with my partner he just stares at me blank.  He probably doesn’t know what to say but the silence is enough to let me know everything is better left unsaid.

Even though I feel salvaging my life back together is hopeless, I still wish my partner would comfort me anyways, lie to me, hug me, anything.  He just sleeps.  I wish I could express how I feel to anyone I personally knew, but I have nobody.  I have a life full of empty relationships.