I need some advice. I’m kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don’t know what to do.
As some of you know, I’ve been cut free for nine months, but I broke that streak two weeks ago. For me, cutting is an addiction. My legs are covered in scars, but I can’t stop cutting them up.
I wanted to tell my parents, but you need to know what happened the first time I told them I was cutting. It went a little something like this:
I was in the shower, but I was too upset to cry. They had taken everything away from me. My privacy, things, and now my reputation at school. My head felt like it was going to explode. I had never been so upset before in my life. I wanted to kill myself so badly, I could hardly stand it. Except my parents had taken all of my tools away from me. I wanted to kill them, too.
This negative state of mind lasted for about a month. I’ve been taking heavy antidepressants for over a year now, and they work most of the time. I tried going to a counselor, but none of them worked.
To be honest, I’m terrified. If my parents find out, they will ‘lock me up in the psycho ward’ because they ‘have insurance’. I’m so scared of going to a psychiatric hospital, even though I know that it is probably the best thing for me. I’m terrified of hurting my family again, because I know that it would really affect my mother, who is more suicidal than me.
Can anyone help me?
6 comments
I completely understand your situation. Your health against you parents. It’s a hard choice but in the end your parents only want what’s best for you and if going to get help is what you need then go for it. For months I would not tell my parents of my situation, but after waiting so long it got so bad that I couldn’t take it. Yes it will be hard and it will seem like the end of the world but I can tell you I have never been more relieved in my life. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Do what is best for YOU. you are what matters right now, you and your health.
You made it nine months and therefore you should be very proud of yourself.
You just had a little relapse. No big deal. Most addicts do.
Don’t say anything about what happened recently to your parents.
I’ve never been a cutter before, so I can’t relate with you on this one as much as I’d like to. But I kind of get it because I had a friend once who had serious issues with cutting. Her whole left arm was literally covered in deep scars. She was fortunate and met a wonderful man whom she fell in love with, and she never cut herself again after she met him. It’s a beautiful story, and she calls him her hero.
Try to find something else to take your aggression out on perhaps? An inanimate object that isn’t able to feel pain preferably. That seems to be a much better alternative to physically harming yourself.
Last time I told my parents, they did horrible things (my psychiatrist even agreed). I would rather die then tell them that I was cutting again. They punished me so much last time… and I can’t afford to loose anything else. I’m already stressed out thanks to school, and the things I have at home are the only things that seem to keep me sane. I feel cornered. I don’t really have a safe place to go to, and I’m just so alone and tired of my life. If I went to a psychiatric hospital, everyone at school would find out. They would make my life even more of a cesspool than it already is. My whole family would be so disappointed in me.. They would make me feel like a failiure. And I already have had everyone else in my life consider me a failiure.
Hypothetically speaking, if it were me, I would find a substitute to cutting that allowed me to feel the pain I needed to for catharsis without leaving marks. Have you ever tried squeezing an ice-cube until it completely melts in your hand? Very painful, but no mark.
I have already tried that, but thank you for the suggestion. I just don’t know what to do. I cut when I am depressed, angry, or even happy. I can’t stop and I am so confused.
I was addicted to cutting many years ago. Then I got a job in retail and it drew to much unwanted attention. Earn some income and save a blade. Try it.