Zach Sobiech.

Thanks for sharing that. Not to be sarcastic – I would never intentionally disrespect another person or their dreams. I applaud Zach and his thirst for life; his unshakable spirit. But I can’t help imagining a comparison of someone like Zach with someone that has lost all will to live is a bit like saying “Eat your green beans. There are people starving in Ethiopia.”

Frankly, and I speak for myself, there is a difference between seeing most of your “bucket list” blossoming forth and being fulfilled even though you know there is a tragic and premature end coming soon, and losing all of your dreams time and time again through no fault of your own; and being in untenable emotional and physical pain that worsens each day with no tangible end in sight – and each day you become less able to do what you have to do let alone what you want to do.

I won’t go into details because they are meaningless to others. But suffice it to say Zach’s video makes me envious, and a little bitter. Maybe that is part of my sickness. Maybe I am just a self absorbed asshole drowning in self-pity.

I don’t want to be a rock star anymore.

I just want to be able to walk on the beach again. Or sit quietly and hold someone I care deeply for and who’s love I have no need to question. But to want is to deepen the pain, and all I can want anymore is to no longer be.