Family

I have a grandma who sweeps all the horrible incidents under the rug, a uncle who has gotten me arrested and had threatened to do it again. My dad has been in jail since i was 4 for attempted murder against my mom. I was in the backseat and witnessed the whole thing. My moms blood splattered on my 4 year old self. Therefore it has caused my mom My mom and i to get post traumatic stress disorder and she can act like a bipolar psychotic ***** and has even runaway leaving a note that she was dying of cancer mets. Luckily i hacked her email and found where she was and also has called me every name in the book and has told me that my bf and I have to move out of her house. Don’t get me wrong i love my mom but she can turn into a totally different person. My only option would be to move to my gmas but my uncle lives there and I have anxiety every time I’m around him. And I’m also the type of person that if I feel disrespected ill let you know and if you really piss me off this uncontrollable rage forms. My gma told me that I’m just not normal and need help but I’ve been to counseling for years and nothing helps. I feel out of control sometimes, I make mistakes, but I am one of the most caring person you’ll ever meet. My life right now is going downhill mentally and emotionally. I don’t care the decisions I might make. I was thinking about suicide and then I was thinking maybe I should just round up some money and get leave town and just drive til I feel like stopping. I really don’t know what to think. On top of that I have a court date in a week and my bf doesn’t even know that I got arrested. My mom won’t answer me and keeps ignoring me. She’s been staying at my gmas just so she won’t see me. I told myself that if she ever abandoned me again there might be consequences. I mean I can’t bear the thought of knowing my dad is out here in this world and he’s just a stranger and I don’t know if ill ever see him again and my mom who is not reliable and ignores me because she’s mad. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because it would devastate my mom and gma and whoever else but now that this is going on I don’t know how to take it. It all just hurts to think about and of course there’s a lot more I’ve been through but this is what’s on my mind now. I forgot to mention that if my mom actually kicks my bf and I out he’d be forced to move back to his hometown. I feel like I’m gonna lose it all and the only thing keeping me kind of ok is my marijuana and my doggies and watching dr. Phil and iyanla lol. I want to live but if this is my life…. Peace motherfucka I’m out!