So basically this is my life:
Ok so as far back as I remember I’ve been severally depressed, not the kind where I hold a knife to my arms at night but the self implosion kind, always thinking your worthless, don’t belong, can’t do one thing right etc..
My whole life has been a fuck up (I am not exaggerating) all throughout primary school I was bullied + didn’t have much friends, that combination also made me very angry which = even less friends, basically my 1-2 friends was my best friend, everyone liked him he was funny, easy to talk to, never angry, very imaginative and playful so he had a very large friend pool, since we were best friends that group had to hang out with me but I could tell they didn’t like me much and I don’t really blame them. He ended up leaving my school after grade 5 so I had to find new friends after that, this wasn’t very easy I basically had no friends until year 7 which wasn’t that bad of a year. Then I hit high school, I knew I would hate it, this place wasn’t for people like me, but like everyone else I was forced to go. The first week was scary as it’s supposed to be, luckily for me though I picked out a familiar face within the class, we were forced to be friends but we didn’t mind each other. About 2 weeks in he changed class and I was left friendless that whole year. I stopped going to school about 3rd of the way through but I was completely damaged. My depression had escalated, I now had social anxiety to the point of where talking to someone new (especially female) left me speechless and dumb looking, I can’t stand up for myself at the moment, I can be pushed around without saying anything and I really want to start again. I’m 16 now, slowly recovering (It is much better at the moment, my life isn’t that bad other than fucked up) but depression still squeezes every little bit out of me, I over think everything + my whole life I’ve done the most embarrassing things so that doesn’t make it much better. Every time I attempt suicide my family is the only thing that stops me in those final seconds. All I want is to start again, I’m crippled at my supposed to be best years of my life but I’ve wasted it all it’s only a matter of time now.
I don’t even know why I posted this but this a huge load off, please don’t comment ‘don’t kill yourself’ etc..
And if you read all of that thank you.
2 comments
You have to do what you want to do. No one can tell you how to be. No one has walked in your shoes. I’m glad you ranted maybe it’s given you a little relief even for a while.
Friends are overrated. Textbooks are awesome. Also yoitube.