In the last three or four weeks, I have been looking up the most horrible things that I could find on the internet. Let me say now that I am not one of those sick creeps who gets off on shit like that. Not at all.
The first time I ever saw a graphic video of a horrific murder was the beheading of Nick Berg in 2004. He was executed in May 2004, and I saw the video during the summer of that same year. We were over at a friend’s house swimming in the pool and getting drunk, and one of the guys there told us all to come inside to watch this video online. So we went inside and all gathered around the computer to see what the big deal was. I was pretty intoxicated at this point, and I wish he would have warned us what we were about to witness, but he didn’t. After the fact I was extremely disturbed by it, and felt nothing but the deepest sympathy for Mr. Berg and his family and loved ones.
It’s been more than 9 years since I watched that first video, and I have never intentionally looked for more stuff of a similar nature until just very recently. And I don’t know why.
The Dagestan Massacre; The Chainsaw Beheading video; 3 Guys 1 Hammer; pictures of Nikki Catsouras car accident, just to name a few. I must have watched dozens of videos and seen hundreds of pictures by now.
It’s just awful stuff and I’m always very disturbed when I see it, and I always feel absolutely terrible for the victims, but I don’t know why I’ve been compelled to seek this stuff out recently.
Can anyone enlighten me?
41 comments
Maybe you have a fascination with gruesome deaths? I used to look up stuff like that all the time on rotten . com as a teen….it never really grossed me out though I mean it was gruesome as shit but I never freaked out about it….I don’t think anything is wrong with you maybe you just like that type of thing….or….pfft honestly dude I have no idea I just don’t see anything wrong with it (besides the pain the victim suffered)
“Let me say now that I am not one of those sick creeps who gets off on shit like that. Not at all.”
…
“It’s just awful stuff and I’m always very disturbed when I see it, and I always feel absolutely terrible for the victims, but I don’t know why I’ve been compelled to seek this stuff out recently.”
Maybe you like some abstract, indirect result of being thoroughly mortified and disturbed. Maybe it reminds you of reality. Maybe it makes you feel very human.
Or, maybe you haven’t fully accepted yourself, and are digging in the shadows in your own mind, not sure what to make of all this, since it doesn’t match what you tell yourself about who you think you are?
Maybe you do get off on those horribly disturbing and gruesome recordings of terrible things that actually happen in real life.
I once saw the video of the guy who was brought into a police station, left unattended and unrestrained, who apparently was allowed to “smuggle” a concealed firearm into the station… as soon as the cops leave the room, the guy shoots himself in the head. Ever since then, i’ve known i didn’t want to view such things anymore… and i certainly never go looking for them. I just honestly don’t like to see that kind of stuff, and even that relatively “clean” video was enough to scar me for life.
OTOH: i do like knockout videos… just not bones breaking or things getting twisted or folded in ways they shouldn’t.
Wow, and I thought that I was the only one who watched these videos. The people who are killed are often so normal. Their deaths are so gruesome, so unexpected.
Maybe I watch these videos because they are so real. I agree with PainNlife, that I may have a fascination with these types of deaths. They can’t be good for me to watch though, because each time I watch one, I think about how worthless life is, especially when it is just taken away from people so violently. At least I know that I am not that bad of a person. Still, I wish I could have done something to save those lives.
I also agree with clevername. I don’t get off on it, but it does make me feel more human. It makes me wish I could do something to convince others not to kill, because I can’t see the benefits of murder at all. It just leaves me in awe because I can’t believe that people would do such a thing. I don’t believe that anything is really wrong within the universe, but I don’t like murder because seriously, what’s the point?
Sometimes I’m all pumped up and in an aggressive mood and to relieve this agitation/exhilaration I’ll put on a violent film. I don’t really go for truly brutal violence, more light-hearted stuff (see: Quentin Tarantino), or something that, while serious, isn’t so graphic. I don’t like seeing scenes where people are savagely violent towards another. I would prefer that there be more of a comical tone to it.
One such film was 13 Assassins. Lots of bloodshed and rolling heads in that one. hehe. I guess I like stuff that’s along the lines of: “I’m a badass muthafucker!” where the ‘hero’ has to go out and protect himself and/or others, or be an avenger.
@ clevername – I don’t think you’re right in any of your assumptions. Especially the one about me being in denial and really getting off on it.
Honestly I think I’m just trying to prepare myself for my death. I’m still really scared, you see? So I’m thinking that maybe if I see the worst of the worst, then it will be easier for me when/if it comes time for me to do it.
But I still don’t know. I’m trying to make sense of it.
Like I said I’ve never done this before until just very recently.
P.S. I don’t think I’ve seen videos of genuine deaths. I’m not interested in that.
I don’t really watch such violent videos anymore, but I did watch some suicide videos because I wanted to know what would happen if I shot myself. That way makes such a mess, and it has to be painful, even if just for a millisecond.
@Persephone
Don’t watch such videos. They’ll ruin your faith in humanity, especially in Muslims.
“…but I don’t like murder because seriously, what’s the point?”
Duh! The point is to stop another entity from messing up your life, or to make sure it can’t come back for revenge, if you’ve done something to harm it.
And some people just like the primal feeling of dominance attached to ending the life of another being, without being concerned about “morality” or “consequences.”
And then yet other people, will use the broadcasting of death, to strike fear into the hearts of their enemies… again, in hopes of controlling their environments, thereby reducing the probability of some other entity messing up their lives.
It’s all very primitive, and while i stand on the side of reason and compromise and cooperation, i also fully understand why murder happens, and why some people crave or feel compelled to perform it. I can’t say i’ve never wanted to kill anyone (i could actually say that, but i’d be lying…). There have certainly been a few who filled me with such desire. But it’s usually impossible to get away with, and the consequences are dire. From all i’ve ever seen or heard, prison is probably worse than death. I don’t want death or worse than death, so it would take someone putting me in a situation where death “or worse,” are worth the risk involved, before it would become an option. Killing someone pretty much guarantees ruination of your own life. Don’t do it unless it’s the person who already ruined your life. If your life is already ruined, why would consequences even matter? If my life is ruined by someone else, then making sure they don’t get away with that ruination, is worth surrendering the rest of my already-ruined life.
Just some thoughts. It’s very likely that i will end my own life before harming anyone else… even though there are a few people who honestly deserve it.
@ Persephone – That’s good. Keep it that way. These aren’t things that you want in your mind for the rest of your life anyways. It really fucks up the way that you think about other people.
I don’t even know how many times I thought “how can someone do THAT to another person?” when I was watching some of them.
@clevername
Sorry, I keep forgetting that not everyone is a nihilist.
On the other hand, has anyone else seen Cake Farts? It is simply the best.
saying “maybe?” is not the same thing as an assumption. I did say “maybe” a whole bunch of times.
Also:
If:
you say you don’t like doing something
But:
You do it anyway
Then:
A) you actually do like it
Elseif:
B) you like that you don’t like it
Else:
C) you would not choose to do something you didn’t like, if it wasn’t required
Just because I’m curious or interested in something doesn’t mean that I like it. You’re trying to twist this into making it seem like I’m deriving some kind of pleasure from it.
That’s not the case.
Trust me I would know if I was liking this on some level and I’m not.
That’s why I’m so confused and posted this question in the hopes that I could get some insight from others.
Now i will make an assertion, since you’re being defensive after i said “maybe?” a whole bunch of times.
You’re confused because you’re rejecting a part of yourself that you don’t want to accept is part of you, because it isn’t what you want to be.
If:
You are not obligated
And:
You are still doing it
Then:
You like, or enjoy, or get something out of this, somehow.
If not, you would simply stop doing it.
The alternative is that you’ve stumbled into an uncommon method of self-harm. Do cutters “like” cutting? Some say they don’t, some say they do.
I’m not trying to twist anything. You’re trying to twist yourself into something else, because you don’t like, and don’t want to accept or admit, that part of you is not what you want to believe you are.
You’re basically saying:
“This isn’t me! I don’t like this! Why am i doing this? Why am i interested in this? Why do i want to do this to myself, if i don’t like this?”
Your “insight” is in what you’re so ready to deny. You aggressively deny what you passively admit: “i’m not into that… i’m curious and interested…”
It’s like the difference between “full-blown flaming gay” and “closet bisexual” (or closet gay).
You’re trying to say you don’t like something, because of what you think it would represent to others, if you admit and embrace it.
Now you may accuse me of making incorrect assertions.
If you don’t like what you’re doing, you’ll stop doing it. It’s that simple.
I guess no one else saw Cake Farts. Sad day. 🙁
I’m being defensive because you are accusing me of liking to watch people dying in horrific ways. The stuff I have seen is truly terrible, and I am very upset over it. You haven’t seen any of it, but if you had and I were to say to you that “Hey! You must have liked that shit!” you would be just as defensive right back.
“If:
You are not obligated
And:
You are still doing it
Then:
You like, or enjoy, or get something out of this, somehow.
If not, you would simply stop doing it.”
Yes! Precisely! I am getting something out of this. No question.
But it’s not pleasure.
This is what I’m trying to figure out.
What am I getting out of this?
Cake farts? wtf?
Well, you said “I have been looking up the most horrible things that I could find on the internet.” The first thing that came to my mind was Cake Farts.
Alright, hold on. Let me check into it…..
That was like a mixture of being completely ridiculous and disgusting and weird all rolled into one. Thanks for telling me to look it up. *sarcasm*
Do you know why i haven’t seen those videos?
Do you think it’s because i don’t know they exist?
I don’t mean offense, but you are taking offense. You’re worried that other people would think of you as someone who “likes” to watch those types of videos. You clearly think “those people” are bad, or whatever. You’re adamant about not being “one of those people,” but, there you are, choosing to seek out and watch a series of horrible, graphic, gruesome death videos. You’re not being forced; you’re choosing. Part of you, inside, is what is “compelling you” to make such choices.
It’s like if a man were to scour the internet for penis pictures, and then swear he’s “not into that,” while then admitting he’s “curious and interested,” but then acting offended and unnecessarily defensive about someone /suggesting/ that /maybe/ he might not realize he’s gay, or at least bisexual, or, at the very least, interested in looking at penises.
No one came here to say you’re a bad person for wanting to view such things. You’re the only one who seems to think such pursuits reflect negatively upon your character.
Perhaps the song “Vicarious” by Tool, will help you better understand what i’m getting at.
It doesn’t make you a fringe-case freak for looking at such things.
Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “like a train wreck; it’s horrible, but i can’t look away!”
This, i think, is one of the flaws with general human psychology; we seem inclined to fill our minds with detrimental thoughts and images. It takes special consideration and discipline to “control your own mind,” by choosing what you will or won’t allow into it. Sometimes we must reject “ourselves.” Sometimes we must fight to resist temptation… because while we might have a fleeting moment of gratification, the long-term and extended ramifications can be serious.
Anyway… i can see the atmosphere of SP is… well, not in the range i usually prefer, so i shall attempt to do something else with the remainder of my evening.
I thought that video might cheer you up. It restored my faith in humanity, of course.
Well thanks for your input anyways clevername. Have a nice evening.
Oh yeah that did wonders for restoring my faith in humanity. My fellow women in particular, of course. I love being a member of such a wonderful gender…..
@ depressednihilist95 – You said that you’ve watched videos like that before. Why did you watch them?
It wasn’t really on purpose, but I stumbled across them. I was watching suicide videos, because I was curious about what would happen if I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Then, I ended up watching videos of Islamic extremists beheading people. The videos were astonishing. I guess I watched them because I wanted to know what murder was like. I had heard about violence in the Middle East, but it never felt real until I saw those videos.
Word of advice: stop now. You’re not going to appreciate those memories in the future.
@ depressednihilist95 – I saw a lot of videos about the Middle East too. And you’re right, it doesn’t really seem real until you actually see it for yourself. It’s horrific. I watched a few women being stoned to death, and then I saw one of this poor girl who was badly beaten by a mob and then a guy smashed a concrete block on her head, killing her.
I think that I’ve come to the understanding that the reason for me being curious and taking interest in this matter was for learning. I wanted to know what it’s really like; the horrors that so many people have to go through. And you have to see it to believe it, like you said. It’s not real until you actually see it.
So many times during this videos I couldn’t even watch it all the way through. A lot of times I had to pause it or turn my head away. It was just too much for me to take. And then I realized that if it was that hard for me to just watch it, how must it feel to be forced to live through it?
@ Scar504 – Yes I know. I only started doing this very recently and I don’t intend on making a habit out of it, that’s for sure. Actually I’ll probably just take your advice and stop now. I’ve seen all that I need to already anyways and you’re right, I don’t need any more evil memories in my head.
You’d do well to do just that. I’m not being cute: having those kinds of memories is not fun. You think it is at first, then time passes and you realize all they’ve done is bred apathy and self-contempt.
I really worry about the Middle East. It’s like the Dark Ages or something over there. I know that eventually, life will get better over there, but progress is slow. I know this because people don’t like to give up faith or change what they are used to in a society.
Maybe your mentally torturing urself , instead of phycially you do it mentally, I actualy did what u did to. I didn’t get off on it I felt actually mental pain and suffering over watching those things, but I kept doing it to myself over an over. I also went an put myself outside in darkness even tho it scares me half to death at times . I have always been a bad self harmer physicaly but I don’t do that much at all anymore .. over years I realize that it will only help temp so I may only do it a few times a yaer now
@ Scar504 – There’s nothing fun about it and never was. Again like I said, I was doing this to educate myself about the reality of some of the horrors in the world. I do have to live on this planet and be a part of this species (that unfortunately has such a dark and terrible side to it), so I guess I felt that I needed to know what it’s really like. I don’t know. Morbid curiosity perhaps. But I still don’t regret it, although I don’t intend on looking into it any further, and if ever again more than likely.
I do hope that these don’t come back to haunt me later on, like you said they might. I’ve looked into it and there are plenty of cases where people have experienced serious psychological trauma from it, and it sounds like you are one of them.
Thank you again for you warning, and I shall heed it.
@ depressednihilist95 – The middle east is a hell hole, and I feel absolutely terrible for the poor women that are forced to live under that kind of oppression.
If I remember correctly, I think Afghanistan is the only place in the world where the suicide rates for women are higher than those of men, and I can completely understand why.
@ winterrain98 – That is actually very insightful. Thank you. It does kind of make sense, because I do constantly torture and berate myself mentally all the time, and have been doing that since I was a teenager. It’s horrible. And although I’ve never physically self-harmed, perhaps you are right in saying that this is the way that I do that same thing – only on a mental level instead.
As painful as the videos and pictures were for me to see, I couldn’t stop looking for more. I wanted to see more and more and more, like you said. And I couldn’t make any sense of this compulsion that I was feeling to do this.
That is why I posted this question, in the hopes that someone could help me understand why I was feeling this way and doing this. And I think you really just answered it for me.
That, and also the genuine interest in learning, is why I have been doing this.
My questions have now been answered lol.
I too agree with what winterrain98 said about the mental torture. People who are depressed, such as myself, seem to feel closer to people who are suffering, or maybe that is just me. By seeing more suffering, maybe you feel connected? I don’t know though. Try telling your brain to stop! Bad brain!
Trauma? Not me. I’ve always been wrong in the head. But the more you’re around those things the more they become a part of you. If you really want to educate yourself about the horrors of mankind — and I really don’t recommend that to depressed people — try researching historical events like WW1, WW2, The Khmer Rogue, etc.
If there’s any merit in familiarizing one’s self with depravity, it’s better gained from a broad standpoint: watching a man be beaten to death with a hammer is uselessly, and for most people nauseatingly, personal; researching the systematic extermination of the Jews or the horrors of trench warfare at least gives you some perspective.
Again, neither of these things especially conduce to a depressed person’s content, but that’s your business.
@ depressednihilist95- That makes sense too. Thanks. lol : )
@ Scar504 – Yes I already have looked into all the wars and genocides of the 20th century. I actually wanted to take a trip to Cambodia to visit the Tuol Sleng Genocide Musuem in Phnom Phen for the longest time now ever since I first educated myself about the Khmer Rouge regime about six years ago or so.
I also wanted to take a trip out to Germany and visit the sites of some of the various concentration camps as well. But international travel is very expensive unfortunately, and not something that an impoverished person such as myself has the luxury of doing.
And I appreciate your concern for my mental state of health.
Oh I see, my apologies. Really my concern was mostly due to my presumption that most people here are rather young, but I see now that you’re an adult. All the same, it seems some other people have helped you answer your question, which I actually ignored, again, my apologies.
Np, and Clevername is actually very smart tho and mentioned you may have stumbled into some uncommon method of self harm. Uncommon ..maybe i dont really hear much about people who do these things to themselves or they dont talk about it one
I love clevername. He is super smart. He is one of the few people that I always click on when I see he has just commented on something. He was pissing me off tonight though implying that I had sadistic tendencies. I did see that he mentioned the possibility of me self-harming as well, but it wasn’t until I read your comment that it just clicked in my mind and made sense.
I’m really glad you answered. I actually have been thinking about what you said this whole time and told my roommate all about it and we both think you’re right. I was engaging in self-harm. And he told me tonight that he was getting concerned as to why I kept looking up all of this gruesome stuff online recently. I was too honestly that’s why I posted this question. Now that I know I’m not going to allow myself to look at it anymore.
Thanks so much for answering.
As long as you are sure your moral and ethical compass is set pretty close to North and know your limits don’t beat yourself up over it.
Unnatural death is sanitised for the western world. Seeing the A.N. other being slaughtered (aka reality) is still taboo.
If the worlds leaders were forced to cage fight it out amongst themselves instead of sending others off to kill each other, they would find a more reasonable compromise.