Why? Seriously, why?

First let me start off by saying that this isnt a story about how I tried to kill myself or a post about methods to do so. All this is is my story. At this point I am having very bad thoughts and I’m hoping by just getting them written down and maybe even some hopeful comments I can feel better

I am a freshman in college. I have always been an overachiever with school. I have always been very social and enjoyed going out and doing things. About a year ago my Dad, who I am very attached to and depend on a lot, almost died from a terrible heart attack. They changed my entire outlook on life. I went a little crazy, got a bad boy friend, became addicted to nicotine and alcohol and threw away all of the good relationships I had left. Towards the end of summer break I decided to clean up my act and grow up a little since I was headed to college. Lost the boyfriend, quit nicotine, stopped drinking, and worked on letting my parents and friends back into my life. All was well until I fell in with the wrong crowd again. Yes the party life is fun and entertaining. But after only a few weeks in college I had become “that girl”, and seeing everyones loss of respect for me and concern for my health made me loose all self respect and I got worse. After getting in a lot of trouble with the law and attending meetings for my addiction I wanted change. As soon as I sobered up, quit my part and reckless lifestyle and got settled and focused with school I encountered major health problems. I found a mass on my neck that eventually began to grow. After about three weeks I decided to go to the doctor. The timing was about half way through my semester so grades were important. I was in and out of doctors offices and hospitals getting exams and tests and operations done trying to get a diagnosis. I dont know if any of you have been there before, but being 18 years old starting college and getting told you may have cancer is hard. I missed a lot of school and went through tons of painful biopsies and surgeries. Even when I went to class (which was only on days I wasnt recovering from operations, driving the two hours from my doctor to my school, or throwing up due to the meds) I could hardly focus due to the physical and emotional stress I was experiencing. After having a tube in my neck from the tuesday before thanksgiving until the friday after it (which was miserable) I returned back to school in hopes of withdrawing from two classes for medical reasons in order to save my GPA and hopefully my scholarship. The first day into my return some of my stitches from surgery ripped out leaving three large holes in my neck and opening the incision. While dealing with that I was in and out of meetings trying to figure out how to get the paperwork done and approved so I could do somewhat well in this semester. Meeting after meeting every damn professor and faculty member would shove me aside saying “its not my job” or “go see this person first” (always being people I had already met with that sent me to them in the first place!). Im still in the process of figuring this all out and with how everything has been going with my health and school and life in general, all I want to know is why? What did I do to deserve all of this? Am I ever going to catch a break? How the hell am I supposed to deal with all of this? I dont know what life is trying to tell me, all I know is I have been as the breaking point 10 too many times and now I just need it all to end. I cannot keep doing this. Life has beaten me, kicked me while Im down and now I feel like Im broken beyond repair. All I need is to know why, and to die. I cant keep doing this anymore. Ive dealt with storms before, but this is one that only worsens and theres no sign of clear sky anywhere….what do I do….