Pills and alcohol, my only respite in this world.
I have tried to kill myself 7 times, 4 I have woken up in ICU and cannot understand how I was saved. I have been out of the last psych internment for 3 months and less than 4 days of that I have been sober.
I lived for 2 years with severe suicidal ideation. Have bipolar, sever clinical depression and so badly want to die. My body still fights, but I am lost. I have had bulimia, severe anorexia (BMI 14), self harm, cutting, hanging attempts and now I binge eat and feel so, so bad.
I want out, but suicide seems a little too far away. I have a chance to retreat to the countryside for 5 months to a hut I can get on the cheap. I am homeless as I have been for 6 months.
I fucking hate this life, why can I just not die?
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Honey, I know this is probably not what you want to hear
But it’ll get better. I’m probably a lot younger than you since I’m too young for alcohol and drugs etc. but from experiences I’ve heard about, I know it’ll get better, that’s how I hold on. Just hope and pray. I put my faith in the great lord and know he has something in store for me. Even if you don’t believe, atleast have hope and take it one day at a time. It’s probably not what you want to hear, it’s definitely not what I want to hear, but it’s the best advice I can give. As my mom always says “what goes around, comes around”.
In other words, do something bad and bad will happen to you, do something good and good will happen to you. So basically Karma.
Maybe you just need some free time out in the open, in the country side, just breath, relax and enjoy it for a while and think about what you can do or will do to have a better life. But, in the end, it’s always your own decision.
My reasoning for you always being saved is that you have a guardian angle, as we all do.
Thanks for your kind words and I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I am actually 36 and male. It is a very mixed up and weird diagnosis, even my doctors are surprised of my troubles. I cannot help it though and I am in daily turmoil.
I have found this hut in the countryside, which works for me really well and if I am lucky I can stay there for 6 months. I am trying to feel something positive, something different. But everything is so pointless, meaningless and desperate I am so lost. I cannot go into the last 3 years (it would take too many words), but I have been through hell and cannot believe I am still alive. I have been dead, but brought back. I cannot begin to describe the pain and sadness when I awoke. The last 3 years, I have spent about 2 of those in a psychiatric unit (voluntary and against my will), but nothing helps. As I said, homeless now for 6 months, but the last week I have found a hostel and can by the weekend be in this hut in the middle of nowhere. I think it is what I need, but the train tracks not more than 20 metres from me are so enticing. I want to live, but I know I will die soon.
Thanks again for your kind words and thanks that you care. I just need someone in my life to help me, but have been isolated for 3 years now.
why can’t you just die?
Because there’s fucking nothing after you’ve died. You don’t want that, but you can’t understand completely what nothing means.
You don’t want to die.
If you have severe clinical issues then you need to be getting as much help and treatment for them as you can. You should rather want things to get better and be happy than face the unknowns of death, especially at the hands of yourself. That’s pretty scary and totally not worth finding out what happens next. Man, you just need to keep holding on and get the help you need! Play some Xbox and take your frustrations out on some zombies on call of duty. You’re not too old for call of duty! Go to some clubs and listen to some good music, make some friends. There’s always things to do to distract yourself!
Ain’t that the truth. Death itself is scary enough without trying to do it yourself. Lord just let me die in my sleep at a ripe old age. People need to be more appreciative of the lives we have because they are more valuable than we take for granted.