To be honest, 2013? Never thought I would even see the end of this year upcoming or even making it to 21 as of 14th November! Thought I would of died at 19-20 latest but that is when I met her. The one for me the one that gets me on the same wave length as me and I started living for her and not for myself since I never really cared if I lived or died. I am a self harmer… And… I know it is dumb but it makes me happy just a sense of relief almost in a way the pain a distraction almost from what is really hurting in the inside. I don’t cut myself I either starve myself as I don’t really think I deserve to eat as I am scum well I believe I am or punch anything that is particularly hard. Not to sound weird saying this I am a nice person and actually sociable! So I have plenty of friends however I don’t know as of late I don’t. This really all stems from her this one girl I fell insanely in love with. She was my everything as I have said before I wasn’t living for myself I was living for her now that she is gone I am back to living for no one again. I don’t love myself I despise myself. I have had jobs but lost one due to a programme falling through which is fine no ones fault and the other due to a broken heart. I couldn’t focus on anything any more just I only wanted her back in my life. I am just some overly emotional person in truth wish I wasn’t ^^:;
She really started to make me think. Why am I such a nice person I thought finding her was god’s way of paying me back for all the string of bad luck I have but I guess she was the devil in disguise only to go out with me as she felt sorry for me ahh… Just a pity boyfriend. Which hurt me big time no matter how much I hid it. She is quite an inconsiderate person and she acknowledges this herself in which she doesn’t care about feelings and such. To go out with my friend after and I couldn’t handle it all to well so I started to ask her please breakup because I couldn’t bare them two together I know I am being selfish but it is to ease the pain of myself from her as I truly truly loved her and still do no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. I thought maybe going out with another girl will be fine but wasn’t the same nothing is any more. I just don’t what I am living for again. If not for myself then for my friends or maybe for my love games to see what comes out next. All signs point of suicide again. I have attempted to but people need me like my friends they all ask me for advice and such but I guess in a way I am living for them? But I don’t want to. It is strange I don’t even care if my other half doesn’t love me back I found out about myself as she was lying every time she said she loved me back. As long as the other person allows me to take care of them and love them I am happy. I am quite an high achiever surprisingly! But I just feel lethargic towards having a job and life in itself. It is weird in that you could come to a conclusion I live for my friends however since they dated I dropped my friends and only kept a select few in my life. So I am living for no one again. Ahh I don’t know any more I am just this suicidal prone, fool as I would nothing more to have her back even as a friend I guess but she won’t talk to me any more which is my fault. Really wish I didn’t try to win her back or say anything and just lived with that pain it is funny in that I have attempted before but both failed got saved ¬¬ God’s fool I like to think of myself just a puppet of his for his own amusement to pick me up from time to time think life will get better hang on and nope kicks me all the way down again. I don’t see myself picking myself up again from this fall it has a been a few months and decided to fully go through with it. In a society of the who cares, fuck it! Generation. I concur with it. Who cares if I die no one. I am likeable to others but my own family doesn’t really like me and reminds me consistently on it would be nice if they did tell me but wouldn’t happen. I wish I had someone to talk to in real life but I would feel like a bother I know I am going all over the place now as there is so much in my mind. Think it is time. I held on for 21 years. I don’t think there is any more point in hanging on a little more to see what happens as I can only see further down to nothing being the only outcome. So I would like to beat God’s plan for that action before it takes full affect. I won’t be here to see the new years. I just hate how if the slightest thing is working out for me. Some kind of drama or some kind of dues ex machina happens to make that good not even turn bad just somehow that good will become the worst thing that is to happen to me. I am scared to happy… Scared to sleep because of any dreams I have are terrible. I am scared to live as of 3 months ago. I have reverted back into being a recluse. I am scared to just go outside and live life in case a good thing happens. I rarely talk to friends or people nowadays. I am just kind of done. God has won. I quit. I really do not prefer to be his puppet he likes to pick up and beat down again.