I really am not sure how to explain all this, but here it goes. Every since I can remember, I’ve been depressed. As a kid I’d stay up at night, wondering who would go to my funeral if I died, and I’d think about what would happen if I just dropped dead. In school I was always bullied and told that the world would be a better place if I just kill myself. I’ve never really fit in anywhere, I’ve always just coasted through life on my own. When I was 14, I got into a lot of trouble for smoking weed, snorting coke and pills, and when my parents found a gun in my room, they decided they had enough. They sent me to live with a relative 16 hours away from home. While I was living there, I was constantly being beat up and bullied at school, and then when I would come “home” he would kick my ass for no reason. Several times I would overhear him telling his friends that I am completely worthless and if his son ended up anything like me, he would consider himself a failure as a parent. A year later, I moved back in with my parents. Things never really got any better just different people doing the same things. Now I’m married and in the army. I’ve been in the military for three years and have done nothing with my life. My leadership on several occasions has told me I’m completely worthless and that I should just kill myself. I still can’t seem to fit in anywhere. I started talking to a doctor at behavioral health, and they just instantly assumed that because I’m an E-4 with no deployment that I’m just looking for a way to get out of work. I sought help, and they just shot me down. This morning my wife greeted me with divorce papers and a smile on her face. You see the fact of the matter is that no-one actually cares. I have no one to break my fall, no one around to see if I am okay. I have tried to kill myself more times than I can count to, and I can’t think of a reason as to why I’m still alive. There is nothing for me here. I’m literally losing everything and all I can do is stand and watch it burn. I know whoever is reading this is just going to post some comment telling me I should just quit whining and kill myself, but I just really need to get this off my chest. I havent felt loved or happy or even close to another person in months. I just can’t find a reason to keep living. So whoever reads this, just give me one good reason to keep moving forward, one reason not to eat a bullet, because I honestly can’t find one.
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Please don’t kill yourself. I know you feel hopeless. I felt the exact way. At my old school, they used to beat me, call me ugly, make fun of my African descent, call me fat, and call me every cruel thing that could possibly be said. I cried myself to sleep every night thinking about how killing myself would better the world. But then I moved here, and realized that not everyone is evil. I now have a friend, may be just one, but I have a friend who helps me get through it and doesn’t judge me like how I’ve always been. Everyone else brings me down, and it hurts, but she is my reason to live. Please don’t do it. I’ll talk to you. I’ll be your friend. I’ll be your reason.
The sad truth is that sometimes there IS none. I have found that there are times that are so painful and difficult, that your only maneuver is to go into survival mode…sometimes these times are a product of YEARS or a lifetime of misery. If you need to call in sick…then call in sick. If you need to smoke weed, do it. If hiring a freakin escort will clear your head for even one hour, that’s what you do. You are not to harm anyone else in the process of whatever it is that you must do. I would tell you to pray, but I’m guessing that if you are like me, you have already tried that and the sad truth is that sometimes it just doesn’t work. Regardless of what you feel you must do, you owe it to yourself to give yourself a break, because nobody else ever did. Whatever wrong you may have done in this lifetime, it sounds like you have more than payed for it. Nobody deserves to be groomed to believe that they are worthless…you were just a kid. You owe these people nothing further…your life is now YOURS. It’s time to do what YOU have always wanted to do…and if you truly believe that killing yourself is the only way to go, then I beg that you at least take 48 hours first and try it my way. Give yourself a couple days off at least…what have you got to loose? It doesn’t seem like it, but there are those beautiful, rare people who do care about you…they just never seem to come along often enough.
“I know whoever is reading this is just going to post some comment telling me I should just quit whining and kill myself…”
I was actually leaning the opposite direction by the time i read that line. But i probably shouldn’t encourage… well, the opposite.
Although that opposite could also be a reason not to check out just yet.
That’s one of the things that keeps me around. If i check out, people who wronged me won’t get what they deserve. I’m conflicted about revenge, but i honestly can’t think of a better reason, considering only what is observably and predictably available.
And then there’s the ever-present: “maybe there’s something i don’t know, that i will figure out soon, and things will change…”
But it’s mostly the revenge. I can’t stand the idea of letting them get away with what has ultimately ruined my life. Of course, if i’m dead, i won’t have to cope with that neverending toxicity any longer.
It’s like the opposite of a “catch-22.” Maybe a “throw-22.” I’m not really “trapped,” it’s more that i’m indecisive, because either way holds permanent destructive implications. And i also can’t stand the idea of finishing off what “they” started, and then left me to die… by my own hand, even. I mean what the fuck, right?
I’m only being slightly hyperbolic.
So there is “one reason.” It’s not the best reason, and many would argue what you predicted is better than revenge… but it’s still a reason. It’s a least something to think about, and having something to think about is, in itself, another reason to keep going.
I’m not sure if it’s ironic, but i actually tell myself that sometimes: “i should quit whining and just do it.” But then i think about all the stuff i would want to do in preparation, and it’s so overwhelming that all i want to do is sleep, instead… so i still haven’t made preparations. Meanwhile, i totally feel like i’m just stalling. Maybe i am. Today i was thinking i need to “get this show on the road,” and go ahead and start making those preparations, so that i will force myself to decide, one way or the other, and then go with it.
The fact of the matter is, I can’t call in sick. I literally can’t do anything. I’m stuck here. Last night my car got towed, so I’m just stuck in my house for the rest of the weekend, and all I can do is either drink until I puke or try and talk my wife out of divorcing me. To be completely honest, the only reason I havent killed myself yet is because somewhere, in the back of my head, I’m afraid I’ll go to hell. Excuse my language, but that is one fucking pathetic excuse. I’m 21 years old, and have been in the army as an infantryman for three years, and I’m afraid of going to hell.
I know how that feels…when the fear of hell Is the only thing keeping you here. I know it’s ugly as hell. Yes, I do. Wanna know something? My car got towed about a year ago…shit man, it was like the last thing I had. What the hell was I supposed to do without it. Talk about adding insult to injury…not fuckin’ fair. I got help from friends, that’s the bottom line. I’m still here…I don’t know how, but I am. I would help you now…but I can’t. Somewhere, somebody can and they will. You may not know it now and I am not trying to give you some feel-good story. My life is not some great place and I’m not pretending that there is some great light at the end of the tunnel…maybe there is. But at this moment you have only tonight. You have to take care of yourself right this moment…be GOOD to yourself right this moment. You are not alone in how you feel…I know that this isn’t enough to fix anything, but you must know that you are cared for. I don’t know you, but even I know you’re worth more than people have shown you.
I just want to know that you’re young and have so much more you can do with your life.