Hi. I’m a junior in college.
I am suicidal. Yet, I have no reason to be…I mean aside from crushing loneliness, ahaha, that shouldn’t be a thing though. My parents pay for my apartment and food, I’m on a scholarship that ONLY requires a 2.5 GPA.
Yay me…except every C requires an A along with it.
I’m smart though, and my major is only accounting, it’s not like I’m trying to be a doctor or an engineer or something.
I’ve dated 3 guys since I was 18.
My longest relationship lasted 7 months.
All of my exes have blocked me.
Actively went out of their way to block me.
I can’t form meaningful friendships, my longest ones are 3 or so years, all online.
Because I’m intimidating.
I’m different, weird.
I’m autistic btw.
That’s not an excuse though.
That’s something that should be celebrated.
Like all other mental illnesses. Wooo, celebrate. My brain is fucked.
I mean, it’s not like my brain is fucked in any other way, and if it is, nobody will admit it.
Because HEAVEN FORBID. That might give me the right to feel sad for myself.
We’ll have none of that you attention-seeker.
Might I have bipolar, clinical depression, borderline, any number of personality disorders, insomnia, body dysmorphia, anorexia, etcetcec….I’LL NEVER KNOW. I mean, hell, it took a school counselor long enough to find out I had social anxiety. You don’t say, with autism? Would have never expected.
I’m a poser if I think I am these things too. A hypochondriac if we’re playing the nice friends.
When all I want to know is why I feel so horrible.
Well, come on C****** (my name, blocked out) everyone knows it’s because you’re mormon and now a jack mormon.
What, with all that swearing….and having pre-marital sex ONCE. FUCKING ONCE.
You’re obviously a heathen and need to repent and go back to church.
They’re waiting with open arms.
Yeah right.
Not if I like boys.
See, if you didn’t already catch this, I’M, FUCKING AUTISTIC. That means every. single. last. detail. of dating experience I have learned is from trial and error. I don’t GET a little social radar like everyone else.
It’s dating death in the church.
Nobody would want to go out with an outsider….except and outsider themselves.
Except I’m pretty.
Okay, so I’m not drop-dead gorgeous, but I’m slightly above average is what I’ve been told.
But then I don’t wear make-up .
And after YEARS of trying to attract mormon boys…I kinda gave-up.
I’ll dress cute if I have to. But none of that matters.
The guys I’m attracted to, will never…in years….be attracted to me.
At least not down here.
And my cuteness is fading…
And then we get to the fact that the last year has been hell for me…I’ve been on and off depressed, I’ve had on and off eating disorders, I tried already to attempt suicide this summer, I broke hearts and had my heart broken way too many times, I got rejected by a therapist.
But I have friends, online ones….doesn’t do jack shit when you friend GETS MAD AT YOU FOR BEING SUICIDAL.
AND TELLS YOU HOW DARE YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
So, on top of my mental illness(es), lack of religious bearing, my dating mess, my schooling hardships, friendship woes, depression, eating disorder, and just everything,
I’m done. Â I’m done fighting.
When I was younger, I was a fighter. I weighed 15 pounds more and had a hell of a lot of muscle. I didn’t swear, I went to church every sunday. I ran every day. I got good grades.
But I didn’t date. I got angry way too much. I didn’t impress anyone. The apartment wasn’t clean. I was mean and self-centered.
It wasn’t until I gave a part of myself to the world. I truly tried to give…that I realized that either way. Everytime I try to fix my maladies…it’s gonna be an uphill battle.
I’m always going to get in trouble more. I’m always going to be wrong. I’m always going to be broken. I’m always going to be: me.
When classes end, I’m going to try again. But I’m going to use every last ounce of willpower that I have not to tell anyone who could report me. I’m going to do it when nobody is around. Because I am so done with this shit. I can’t win anymore.
6 comments
Hello.
Everybody has different reasons for feeling depressed and you shouldn’t listen to anyone who says you have “no reason” to be.
All suffering is relative and nobody understands your mind except you.
Your brain isn’t fucked; it’s just different to everybody elses! You’re probably just more willing and able to express yourself than others. That just demonstrates greater intelligence.
Also I can tell from your writing that you’re an intelligent and capable young woman. I went to university in the UK where it’s much easier than the US so I can’t relate to you regarding the academic troubles – spent most of my time at the pub or out taking photos! Just make sure you’re studing something that you’re passionate about? Something YOU want to do. If you’re not sure, drop out, travel the world teaching English or something until you have a better idea of what you want to do and who you are, perhaps?
You’re clearly driven, strong and ambitious so don’t give up. Please don’t give up.
Why waste what could eventually be a wonderful life?
Suicide is, ultimately, completely illogical. If you’re religious (for the record I’m an atheist) then you’re probably conditioned to believe you’ll end up in some kind of hell or purgatory (yikes, no thanks) and if you’re secular like me then perhaps you believe that there’s nothing after death at all. Nothing. Fuck all. Wow, boring. Somebody who is clearly as intelligent as you are can’t be excited or interested in that idea?
There’s something for everybody in life. You just need a bit more time to explore, wander, dream and look. Concentrate on the things you love. Doing the things you love. If you feel like you don’t love anything then find something. Piano, martial arts, horror films, whatever. There’s a huge world out there with something for everybody. It’s amazing. Please, don’t give up, I’ve been there myself – failed, luckily – and I promise you won’t feel like this for ever and it will, will, will get better.
With kind wishes,
Jack
Hey.
Well the thing is, other aspies are telling me I’m being a jerk when I’m not trying to be. And it’s just confusing.
Is it? I think my mind is chemically imbalanced. For years I tried to deny the fact, but I really think it’s true. Especially after being kicked out of a college @ 18 for not being able to adapt to jackass roommates.
It is though. I sleep with a light on so that I have less of an appetite and I’m less aggressive…but without it…I am a horrible person. I am willing because I’m naive.
Oh blah, there’s a lot of “intelligent” young women. Capable though…barely. My executive functioning has increased at the cost of my emotional stability. I’ve broken down so many times this semester.
Well lucky you, but Uni in the states is hard.
And I like numbers, they’re exciting. But this also gives me job stability.
And that’s what I’m afraid of…being poor.
I’m, vegetarian and picky…I’m afraid of bugs…I’d go crazy.
And I like art.
But even that I’m getting my doubts in.
I’ll never be good enough to do all the things I want to do…so I am picking my 2 safest bets and still struggling.
I’m also a procrastinator, indecisive, and hopeless.
Because it hurts too much every time I get my hopes up to have them crashing down.
Other people have support networks when that happens. I DON’T.
It hurts a LOT to be let down, but then to build yourself up from that with the occasional piece of advice being your only support is so hard.
Like I’ve said..I’ve been breaking down a lot this semester.
No, not in my religion.
See, we believe there is a sort of hell and heaven…af first. (paradise and prison)
And then, after death, there will be the millenium.
People will still get to repent then…they’ll just have to drink the bitter cup.
I figure…if my sins are sex, swearing, and suicide….I’ll already know I’m living forever afterwards…and the other 2 are combatable if I can repent then. Because afterwards, there will be 3 degrees of glory. I can work really hard at repenting then….and then when I go to the judgement seat I’ll know, hey, I screwed up life, but I really tried to repent in the afterlife with all intentions of my heart.
Trust me. I know there is an afterlife. I’ve had spiritual experiences. I usually take calculated risks. Even when everyone thinks I am being foolish, my risks are calculated.
SomeTHING. I want SomeONE. I had a best friend from 1st through 7th grade. I could trust her with literally everything and anything in the world. I want a guy like that. Someone to go on adventures with. To cook new foods with. To do hard work with. To laugh and cry with.
But if I want that, I have to take someone who drinks, or smokes, or something. I can’t have that with a mormon. I’m not socially apt. My brain is too broken for this world. Trust me, I’ve tried with mormon boys.
I used to love things…but then I realized everyone will always be better. And I’m competitive as fuck.
Finally. I know it won’t last forever. I can’t always stay in this state because college will eventually end, or something will disturb my state…it’s ironic how much non-inertia life has. But I will always be in this rollercoaster of up and down. Because that’s me. That’s how my life has always been since I was 12 and my best friend got depressed and moved junior high. And I was suicidal for the first time. And I realized nobody will truly always be by your side. Someone you can always trust. Fairytales don’t exist. At least not for me.
I have a few venues left…but I’m not sure if its worth the effort to see if I am chemically imbalanced. I don’t want to live off a pill. I want to live. But that doesn’t seem possible. So I choose the only other option.
Reading your post 2 things stand out to me:
1: You know yourself very well….some ppl never get there.
2: You have a great sense of humour as you discuss yourself, infact despite the fact you are sad and dissapointed with your life thus far your humor towards your faults and imperfections is delightful.
these are 2 very large strengths you own so despite life as it stands right now and bad partner choices to date remember 2 things as you travel to your chosen destination…
the right person – and by this I mean the person who is right for you and will stay will find these particular qualities pure joy
and…you have to experience the shit to find the gold.
I wish you good choices and the insight to see exactly how delightfully imperfect you are and the truth to realize someone else will see it too just be patient if possible.
Most humans are chemically imbalanced by the way if thats any consolation and admittedly your world would be difficult; of that I have no doubt but all humans are designed to love and be loved – hold on tight to that also 🙂
Thanks. It doesn’t feel like I know myself though. I know what I’ve been through, how I’d react…and labels to describe my current state. But I don’t know who I am morally, emotionally, physically, hopefully…etc.
Meh, whatever humor I have I have stolen from the internet. I am a byproduct of my addiction to the net.
Thank you. I guess….I don’t find it funny.
what if there is nobody right for me? What if I literally am too weird to fall and stay in love and vice versa. It’s quite possible.
Well fun. Other people have girlfriends to help them with that..or dude friends for guys.
Meh. If I don’t kill myself now…I give myself til 30 at the longest, that’s 9 more years to decide if I am worthy as a human.
If I can even make it to that point.
Yeah…I have to be…it’s the only thing that makes sense.
from where I am sitting you delightfully know yourself which is not only refreshing but rare at your age. Thats half a battle won, and don’t get me wrong your post is not funny but there is humor in it therefor theres a chance of hope. Its hard to see any of this from your drowning angle…I get that so well and somedays for me I get so caught up in a drowning state I look to both these things to pull me up for some air. So I’m still breathing and this is the point I am trying to make. Its very hard for you to see it but many ppl are weird to someone and its what makes us all so unique and for every unique is a match. I’m not religious but we are animals and animals naturally pair up. Now how do u learn which one u should pair up with? well its similar to selecting a car…drive a few and settle for the one that hardly ends up in the tip and breaks down the least. possibly a silly example but its true. You will find them in the strangest of places and the day that happens u will actually wake up and say ok everything before was that- before. This is now and this is it. Then u will focus on it with hurdles and happiness and every other emotion we received from birth. But the difference is they will be right for you because u were truthful about who you are and they will stay because of who you are and you will both go thru shit easier. This , I believe, is our soul purpose for walking the earth. Its the only thing that explains everything. Have faith hun please.
PLEASE tell YOU are still here, I need you.