Hello everyone, I’m new to SP.
Well, to be precise, I’ve been lurking here for some time, but just managed to create an account.
First of all, I’d like to apologise for all the mistakes I’ll make, english is not my maternal language so, I’ll do my best, but do not expect much.
As I said before, I’ve been lurking here for… maybe two months ? I’ve read some posts, and I must say I’ve been moved by most of them. Not only because of the stories told, but also because it requires courage to tell it, somehown and I’m quite impressed. And because of the comments and the community, which is, overall, very supportive.
So, enough with the introduction. What can I say… ? Well, I won’t go into all the story telling just now, not enough time, not enough motivation, and I don’t want to bother you too much.
While I was having trouble sleeping this night, I just thought about my situation, I mean, the general situation of feeling sad, bad, and depressed, like some other people here feels, and feeling there is no escape, no way to have a better situation. This, in itself, is already very hard to deal with (what’s the point in getting up in the morning when you think that you’re living to die and that there is nothing waiting for ye, hm ?). But, things gets worse. Sometimes, when I feel very depressed, I’m like “Hell, talk about it with a friend, you’ll feel better”, and then, immediatly, my brain sends the cold shower. Talking about it won’t lead to anything, will it ? Well, yes, I guess I’d feel better for a bit, but it won’t eventually change anything. I’d still be depressed, I’d still cut myself, I’d still want to stop living… and, even worse, I would have someone worry for me, I’d make someone I really care about and love, sad. And this, I cannot.
This adds even more frustration to the “There’s no escape to this shit” thingy, y’see ? And, well, when I remember all of this in the blink of an eye, I can’t help but feel so bad. Like “No, mate, you’re all alone, you can’t talk about it because there’s no point in doing that.”
Whatever, sorry for this, I hope I did not bother you too much.
2 comments
Welcome.
The thing about talking to a friend is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable for a moment and this has incredibly therapeutic effect. When you are vulnerable, you are free of all the barriers you have set up that imprison and isolate.
But it is important to make as wise a choice in which “friend” you speak with. Many, perhaps even most, simply can not handle true vulnerability, because they have not dealt with their own lack of vulnerability. If they are particularly immature, they may spread what you have told them as gossip or tell you to be tough and take it. True maturity will allow you to express anything and will also guide you to be gentle with yourself and to confront your own desire to attack yourself. This is delicate work and, therefore, the friend(s) that help you at different times will actually signal how far they are able to help, if only you can listen and understand them.
Thus, it is best to start with a professional who at least knows how to keep a confidence and who is genuinely committed to helping.
All the best.
G.W.
P.S. Quite good English, I’d say. Meaning is the franca lingua here. Looking for it and offering it.
Thank you for your answer, G.W.
Your comment is really interesting.
I do not worry about my friend(s)’ reaction. I mean, I know I can trust the ones with whom I’d like to share this. Even if they couldn’t handle this true vulnerability, they wouldn’t use this situation tu hurt me or to spread nasty things about me. Some may go for the “Toughen yourself and shut up” way, but only because they can’t really imagine what it is to have this kind of emotional pain and would be afraid to deal with that.
No, the thing is, and I forgot to mention it, that I find it quite hard to open myself to this true vulnerability and speak freely about all those feelings… Ironically, the people I love the most are the ones I’m the most “afraid” of. I mean, if some random guy in the street would tell me I was a jerk, I’d just ignore him: he’s some random guy, and I don’t care for his opinion. Those people I love, on the other hand, can hurt me, event without meaning or noticing it…
But, heh, as you said, it is being in this state of vulnerability that makes it worth.
The thing that stops me is that I’m always afraid of bothering my friend(s). After all, I’m just someone hanging around, maybe they don’t want to know that I feel that way. As long as I don’t tell them, they can ignore it without problem. If they know, they could feel guilty… It may seem a bit strange, but, I really don’t want to be a burden to them.
Anyway, thank you again for your kind answer.
Alamaïs.
P.S. Thank you, I’m trying to be understandable :). And you’re right about Meaning on this site, that’s what make this place so special.