I have a story that is not that different from the story of others. I was terribly abused by my parents…to the point that they made me smell my own flesh burning. My doctors all say it was torture of the worst sort – nearly daily for years, with both parents ganging up on me – the beatings, burning, strangulation, starvation, kicking, being thrown across the room, and having my head repeatedly banged into the walls went on for fifteen years with no one ever helping me. The worst tho, was having my mother declare me “dead.” When I was dead no one in my family was allowed to look at me, talk to me, or talk about me (except in the past tense). These little deaths went on for years. Every time I ran away – first time at age 4 – the police just took me back to my abusers. I can still hear my mother’s voice screaming at my father to not hit me “so hard” because he might kill me. Unlike those lucky kids whose parents did kill them during a beating, I lived through years of torture.
I have terrible PTSD and depression, of course, but I have also had so much spine damage that I have needed several surgeries on my spine to correct what damage could be corrected. I still live in terrible pain everyday and I will never be free of it. I will never be able to take a walk in the woods or ski or backpack or ride a bicycle. I will never be able to care for myself independently and every year I am left more disabled. I am broken in almost every way a body can be broken and still I live on.
I did what everyone said was the best revenge. I tried to have a good life. I married – but he was abusive so I left him. Knowing that abused girls pick abusive mates has kept me single since I divorced him in 1982. My children are now grown and successful. I paid for my own education and earned three masters degrees and a PhD and I have a job as a professor that pays very well. I have a home in the city and one in the desert.
I have paid for thousands of hours of therapy and drugs of every sort as well as medical bills from the spine problems. The medications effect me in negative ways but have never relieved my emotional and mental suffering. I get treatments instead of vacations. It is so hard and painful for me to do anything, that by the time I am done with work, I have no ability to have any social life, so I am isolated. I can’t watch movies or tv because the aggressive violence only triggers my PTSD.
I do not suffer from many of the problems that others suffer from. I am not bipolar, schizo affective, manic, or obsessive-compulsive. I do not have personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or Aspergers. I just have a history of torture that went on for years.
Two things bother me. One, there will never be any justice for me. The statute of limitations on child abuse is only three years, so if the abusers can get away with it for three years they can get away with it forever and my parents got off free and clear and are known widely as “humanitarians” – our dirty little family secret has been kept safe in public.
The second thing is that I am trapped like a rat because there is no legal way for me to end my own life. That fact will cause my children to suffer if I kill myself because there is no one or way to help them prepare. There is no death with dignity for a person like me. My children will just feel guilty, sad, and ultimately hate me. They already feel negatively about me and are angry with me, they can’t understand why I just can’t “get over” the flashbacks and depression. They communicate with me because they feel obligated, but they cannot handle – nor do they want to handle – my suffering because then they would have to see their grandparents as torturers.  They have distanced themselves so they can have an extended family.
My therapists have explained to me that I am responsible for the happiness of others and that I have a duty to continue to suffer so those who know me can stay emotionally comfy. So here I am, trapped like a rat in a cage. I am doomed to live out my life in re-experienced horror, trauma, and misery so my children, and the others who say they care about me, can stay in their cozy comfort zones. It is such a raw deal. I have swallowed pain all of my life and at the age of 62 I don’t see any hope at all that I will be swallowing anything else in the future.
Oh, Father Christmas, if you love me at all, please bring me a major coronary or stroke and just take me out.
ps. I have been a good girl all year long…
18 comments
Look, I’m only 13, and I’m not sure in what position I am in to give you advice. Yes, you didn’t have a good life. But look. God kept you alive until now. Why? Because you deserve to live. Try to leave the past behind. I will help you a lot. I cried when I read your story, and I usually don’t cry. Please, don’t wish for death. You are a great person, and you deserve more
1 Fuck your therapists — given what you have been through your only responsability is to erase the pain and trauma of your life.
2 Given what you have been through, what you have accomplished is miraculous. I do not say this lightly.
My admiration for you is boundless.
B*tch, b*tch, *****. Oh, sorry, I meant “b*tch.”
I wish I could fix it for you.
I too, was told by therapists that I am soley responsible for my own happiness – yet responsible for the happiness of others should I end my life. So which is it? Double speak!
Thing is – those two kids do not want me in their lives. They have hated me since the divorce. Yet I am told they will come around one day and to die would only fuck them up. But I am supposed to care about a POSSIBLE someday? And I am supposed to “rise” above the yrs of being forsaken by them? Hop back when and IF they are ready?
I wanted to live when I was pollyannaing that somehow my life mattered. I realize how little I matter as I am homeless and hated
I wish I could erase your hurt and help you heal – cant even do it for myself
My heart goes out to you and I hate your fucking abusers
G.W. go fuck yourself. you don’t belong here
Im so sorry you had to live like this, really. I feel horrible for you, to go through that. You do have a lot of strength to have endured it. I wish the best for you, really.
The same people who exist outdoors, in the real world, also exist online and occasionally share their thoughts. If somebody consistently writes lame, generic advice that is of no value, there’s no reason to take it personally. Idiots are often unaware of how annoying or unintelligent they come across to others.
It’s a drag having to deal with these types, but I suspect they just don’t know any better. “Go get some help. Try talking to someone”. Its probably best to simply ignore idiotic comments that don’t help anybody and only antagonize the reader.
Seriously G.W. or gods will go fuck yourself
hmm…
I don’t know why GW right that comment.and some people always love “go fuck your self” comments.i think they are still virgins.hehe
@c4
Thanks for sharing your intelligent thought.can i read your intelligent advice please…? I make lot’s of posts.please! Go and comment on some of them. I really need your “intelligent” advice.
@elle greenwood
I wish you the best madam.you achieve lot’s of things….,that is something to be proud of.i think living with your children and grandchildren can help a bit with depression.it might work if you live alone or something.but……. you are 62,and i am sure you know lot’s of things more than us.so…..it is somehow hard to give advice for me.hehe
wish you the best madam.
Dear Ellie,
You do have a legal way to depart. You are lucky that you have the resources to become a member and travel to Switzerland for assisted suicide. Your condition would certainly qualify.
I am amazed at what you accomplished, but I do understand that it means nothing if you are not healed and whole.
I also hope that I get a terminal illness or sudden death so I can just die and not have to do it myself. It takes strength to live but there is also dignity in deciding not to suffer anymore any surrendering your life.
No definitely not a virgin not after two kids and 15 years of marriage. If you have seen G.W.’s other ignorant posts then you’d understand the go fuck yourself.
I’m not here to debate religion or shove it down anyone’s throat but the answers have been out there for a long time where man came from. All the stories of the Bible were first told 2000 years before the Torah by the Annunaki.
Any how lets end with some fun
http://***.gl/XnGcXd
GW seems to have flipped out, his posts uncalled for. Whats wrong with you GW??????
I seldom run into people who suffer more than I do. I think GW must be one of those who are tormented in their minds and lash out when someone expresses pain. The level of cynicism indicates great emotional damage. Sad beyond words.
Ellie. You accuse your children of not wanting to leave their ‘comfort zone.’ What about leaving your self image as the victim of abuse? Not easy, is it? Yet, you want your children to become embroiled in the suffering you are suffering. News flash: they are already suffering and do not relish facing more of it. Your children, on the other hand, hope that you can reach a place of healing so that you do not suffer and they do not have to feel guilty for not wanting to be around you.
Although it is seems far from fair, Ellie, fate requires you must take the steps necessary, if healing is going to occur. If you really thought suicide or death was the answer, you could have arranged that by now. Your prayer to Santa carries this implied message: I do not plan to forgive or to be healed of the abuse.
But the time is now. No one can force you, Ellie. Yet, if you can take a stand against your anger, you will do it for yourself, your children, and everyone else.
Flavia,
You are a sweet person to reach out to me. Thank you for your good wishes.
Seriously – fuck your therapists. I don’t know who gave them their education, but they are fucked up. And they are 100% wrong as hell.
My hat is off to you. You survived absolute hell.
I am a survivor of torture (by extended family) so I can’t say I completely understand but in a very small way I do, and I am furious that your abuses have never paid for their crimes.
I have this book on recovery and the only thing I can ever remember is “They were and are wrong”. Your abusers were, and still very much are wrong, but I know that’s no comfort.
I’m rambling here, but I just want you to know, I understand in a small way, and I really do care about you. Whatever happens, I hope you can find peace.
Thanks for responding, it is such a kind thing to do and I need the kindness, although I cannot stand it when I get it. It makes me cry and pity myself and that is verboten. I cry when I think of you, too, being tortured – I cry for us all. There seem to be so many who will torture a powerless child and whatever the form of torture, it has the same lasting effects.
GW – There is truth in what you say. I am very angry – sometimes. And my children feel grief – sometimes. I am terrified – sometimes. I am sad most of the time. I am in pain all of the time, even in my dreams.
I think you are foolish to think that a trick of the will or exerting supreme control will change the somatic situation. It is one thing to rise above anger all of the time and another to rise above it most of the time. It is yet again another to rise above living in physical agony, 24 – 7 – 365. I doubt you have any real idea of what that is like nor what it is like to have the physical pain trigger the PTSD because of spine damage. I wonder if you do? If you do, it would explain a lot.
I think you hurt more than anyone and that is why you have to lash out as Mr. Tough. You are trying to prove (to yourself, I am guessing from the response of the others on this board) that there is valor in putting on as insensitive a front as you seem to have learned to put on. No one was ever cured of emotional or physical pain through hardness, that is the excuse of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If pain were a cure for me, I would have been cured as a child.