Hi all,
Hope I got your attention, even if I pissed a few of you off to get you here. I’ve been lurking on here for a long time. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since 14. I think about death daily. I’m 32 tomorrow, no bullsh*t. On my birthdays I always reflect. Reflect on life, beat myself up, make goals for the next year. I get extremely depressed about being one more year older and feeling like life is a meaningless journey, a race to nowhere. I’m an over-thinker as I’m sure most of you are. We all can sit and think about something crappy or how we hate something, painful memories or negativity for hours, months, years some of us. I once thought about my ex and the pain she caused me by cheating for 8-10 hours a day, everyday for 4 years. Yea, WOW. We have thought type of obsession, bare with me, this type of obsession with over analyzing is the root of all our problems. Further more, if we were all a little bit dumber we’d all be a lot happier. Do you think stupid people, pardon me, less intelligent people sit around and ponder the meaning of life? Or think about anything more than the standard societal requirements? Nope, they don’t.
Think less! Easier said than done, yes. But help yourself and turn that big brain off. If you don’t agree, you think you’re dumb or people who want to die are stupid. Read some of the posts by the lost and down individuals on this site. Articulate, thoughtful, well written, the lot of them. Your intelligence is your prison, it is the cause of your plight. Me, I’m not the brightest bulb in the box but I’m more thoughtful than most. I find myself to be OCD about relationships. Meaning, I replay my perceived mistakes over and over in my head. I re-live painful break ups for years after the relationships and go down into a deep dark hole and want to die. Why? Because I’m sensitive? Probably. I find myself thinking about all the relationships I’ve ever been in. With my mom, my brothers, cousins, girlfriends, friends, all I see are my short comings. I see everything I did wrong and in painfully clear detail. My memory has always been a gift of mine. In school I never studied much if I heard it in a lecture, it was in my brain. Lyrics to songs and the list goes on. My memory is my greatest strength and my biggest weakness. In other words, my mind is the problem, I think to damn much.
As I’ve gotten older I find myself avoiding new relationships because I don’t want to add another chapter to the painful hate myself book already in part 9. So what to do, clean the attic out with a .45 cal? Maybe. Or try to turn down the mental noise in my head that reminds me of all I have done wrong in my life by using meditation or medication.
I’m rabbling, I know. I digress, long and short of it. I still think too much, about all things. Some character flaws are just there and dealing with them the best we can is all that can be done. We suicidal folks, we have some glaring similarities. We are smart, we are humble, we want our pain to stop and we are open nerves to the world in one way or another. Some hypersensitive, others, open and wishing to feel something, anything. If we all could for a moment shut down and find something positive to put our big brains towards we would have that much less time wanting to die. I want all that read this to know, you want to die because you care about yourself. Yes, again. You want to die because you care about yourself. You want the pain to stop, stopping the pain means you care about yourself. If you didnt, the pain wouldn’t matter. Right? Right! I wish I could take the pain out of all of you. I have found that when I am helping others my pain is just far enough away to be bearable. If that means I’ll live a lifetime of servitude, so be it. Know that there is a guy out there. A walking paradox of self loathing and love for the world, that wants you to find something to love and to use the love to fight off the demons. Its not easy and some days I struggle, but its still a life worth getting out of bed for. And for now, thats good enough for me. One step at a time, one day at a time.
With lots of love
Your friend
Mr. Shine..yes, my name rocks(its real)
12 comments
I disagree. Intelligence should be viewed as a strength. The only reason it isn’t, is because the obedient worker bees don’t like the truths we figure out about the world, ourselves, and others.
It’s not that we think too much, but rather, most people think too little, too small, too carelessly, too fantastically, and then enact actions and behaviors which cause problems that we intelligent people could have, would have easily prevented, if the choice were ours to make.
It’s only a weakness because “eugenics” doesn’t want smart people; it wants obedient and robust workers. That’s not me. So i’m incompatible with the artificial constructs of the prison planet.
I used to obsessively think about horrible, painful things as well. At some point I began to wonder if I was just addicted to misery. After all, the only result of bringing up painful memories is mental and emotional anguish. And why would we purposefully put ourselves through that? I don’t know. I don’t do that anymore because it’s too harmful, and there’s no point. I just let go. Leave the past where it belongs.
My problem is not that I’m too intelligent (not that I honestly think I am) or think too much. My problem is with the world. Specifically society, systems, fascism, elite, greedy motherfuckers, etc. This is not the kind of world I would have chosen to be a part of. Not by a long shot. Yet we are indoctrinated from childhood onwards to be slaves to the system. Well, I’m not buying it. I don’t want any parts of it. The worst part is that I don’t even have the resources to do anything to change it. Do any of us? They’ve made it so. Any time opposition raises it’s head it gets vanquished immediately. What is there to do? I can’t make myself do or accept something that I don’t ethically support. You’re right about stupid people. But I’d rather be moral and idealistic, and suffer with the knowledge I have, than be an uninformed moron that suffers and can’t even understand why. Oh well.
Happy Birthday, fwiw. I saw a birthday card once, with a picture of a ripe banana and a rotten one underneath of it, it said, “One day only makes a difference if you’re a banana”.
I’m almost certain that we’re constantly stuck in the middle of two extremes – absolute control over what we think about, and being subject to mental activity that’s totally beyond our control. Thinking too much or being too intelligent is like being too alive or liking oxygen too much. Stuff happens. Thoughts pop up and then vanish back into the maze of neurons, but if there’s no coffee involved, who can say what’s going on? Frankly, if there’s no coffee involved, I’d be too sleepy to even put a coherent sentence together. Or maybe I just think that would be the case… it’s hard to say.
What you focus on – how you try to make sense of things – is the absolute middle of the two extremes. You can think consciously about something, but there’s no telling whether your brain will come up with some absurd BS that you know is clearly absurd due to the focus and interpretive direction you’ve chosen, or whether it’ll shut the hell up and not spout off nonsense. Also emotions are pretty much as dumb as involuntary thoughts are, but they work in a similar way. They just don’t care about your thoughts at all and do whatever the hell they want to do at any given moment. Sometimes for no good reason at all. They’re rebels, man.
The human brain is an amazing, complex, incredibly annoying bunch of interrelated systems, some of which are so infuriating that they might make you wish there was a god so you could ***** at him for his bad engineering practices.
I happen to agree with you dude. Stupid people live very happy lives. They are the ones that get all the opportunities because they are just less complicated all together. I personally have complications in every aspect of my life. I really don’t want to get into it. Maybe being stupid isn’t a good thing but when your a OCD like me that dwells on every little bad thing, sometimes it seems it would be good just to be oblivious of all my stupid obsessions. You know what they say ignorance is bliss. That is so true. No offense to the people on here. I agree that there are many smart people here but I’ve read some pretty dumb shit here. I guess I just don’t relate to all of it. I do empathize with everyone going through this. I could probably help many people but I can’t help me. I’ve always been like that. Do as I say not as I do.
I’ve got ADHD and OCD – i took a biggish dose of adderall about three hours ago and now i feel so relaxed i could probably go to sleep. Haha.. But yeah, OCD’s still there, just not as ramped up as it was earlier today. It really can turn into a portable kind of hell sometimes.
The hard fact is that smart isn’t a cure for dumb, but dumb sometimes excludes smart. Neither guarantees happiness, though. It just depends on the person and how they cope with their circumstances. It doesn’t even matter what their circumstances are, just what their coping mechanisms are – how adaptable they are. The trick is learning new coping strategies and trying to avoid the ones that don’t have outcomes you like. Probably easier said than done, but it’s never impossible.
I used to think too much, then I discovered apathy. Not much actually matters, so why obsess over that which one cannot control? I don’t know. Maybe I hit my head too hard that one time and killed a bunch of brain cells. Or maybe it was all the over-indulgence in alcohol. Who can say. All I know is that: I still enjoy learning, and I try to keep myself up to date on current happenings in the world, but I suppose I attempt to maintain a more relaxed perspective. I guess I’m good at blocking out certain types of thoughts (usually). Why make myself more depressed than is called for, right?
But I’m an idiot, and I turned my brain off long ago. I think it only made me stupider.
Unfortunately, that didn’t change, well, anything about my broken life.
Thank you. I feel a little less alone tonight.
I’m 35 now. Wanted to die since 11 wow! Now, let me tell ya Brother, you need to find a place where You rule. The only way to survive is to be part of something bigger than you. Something you can believe in. Whether it be a family, a business that depends on you, Or just anything that makes you believe that it cannot survive without you. Because, anything, no matter what it is if thought about enough, will have no point. It has to be more than thought. It has to be emotion. It has to be fear. It should be love. But if you can’t find it. Make It.
I wasn’t saying intelligence is a negative thing. It is a weakness in the context in which I was talking about. Smart people think and analyze what others do not. In this context my comments are completely sound.
BTW you sound like a very smart guy yourself..proof is in the pudding..:)
cheers mate
I’ve recently been talking 10,000-15,000 ius of Vitamin D a day. One woman in my group said it helped level out here extreme low days. I’ve tried it and it has worked for me as well. I suggest some of you give it a go.
It is not that people who do not reflect upon the meaning of life and live a happy life are stupid. It is that they don’t feel the need to rethink the matter over again. The thought crossed their minds too probably but they accepted the fact that existence itself is beyond reason. So, unlike tormented fellas like ourselves, they try to live life from the optimistic side. Because for them what matters is not the reason for which human race exists but the life itself is the reason to live. That said, of course there are stupid people as well whose minds are not capable of such thoughts. In this case they just go along with daily life. Without questioning its reasons. And there are those who just are afraid of the thought so they distract themselves with every day activities. Some of these people find comfort in religion. You live because God created you and you can’t question God’s way of operating because human mind is imperfect so it should be accompanied by belief. Religion is not at fault, it has its own positive aspects. There are alsob(these ones are my favorite) those who accept the challenge of existence.They embrace its mystery and make it their reason to live, discovering the laws that rule this universe (or multiverse and that is another interesting subject).That is, of course, only my point of view. World is so vague you can’t say which version is the right one(that is, if a “right” one exists). Such individuals as yourself and myself are damned not to accept any of the existent explanations to existence. We are, as Dostoevskyj said, ungrateful bipeds.