All I want for Christmas

I can wish for happiness. The kind where everything will be all right; where all the pain in the world is no more; where bliss is not a dream, but a reality. I can wish for happiness but I know it will never succeed. There is no conceivable possibility that it will come true so why waste it on something so unrealistic.
I can wish for death. The kind where I go to sleep and never wake up again; where I can enter darkness and everything is just nothingness; where my comfort lies. I can wish for death and I know it would come true. I can rest my head and everything would be okay. But I cannot just yet; not for another 1350 odd days.
So, all I want for Christmas is to wish for the nights to elapse without the grip of agonizing pain; to wish for getting through the holidays without saying my goodbyes.