Only reason for not going through with it is because my mother threatens that if I do it she will.

.. which is a very effective detterent because I do not want to be responsible for the death of a family member and then my brother would be an orphan.

I am a 22 year old Distinction average student with several awards etc but that’s about the only thing I can say for myself and that ain’t much – anyone who puts effort can write essays , (and it is only a B.A., even if at a “renowned” uni that I got a scholarship in) which basically contributes no new knowledge to society. In spite of my grades I will never get a job because I have no social skills and hate people and can’t deal with them. I am not only an introvert but also my Dr thinks maybe I have Autism, but I can’t afford to get tested. My father and his side of the family keep pressuring me and mocking me for “still living with mummy”, and keep telling me I should plan for the future, what will i do after i study  and the fact I know I have no future makes that really painful.

My mom is not like and is very kind, but she is relying on me to get a job as soon as I finish my studies next year because only then can we move away from our awful circumstances so basically the burden of if our future will be good is on me to get a job and I am terrified I cannot live up to this pressure and will fail .

I used to think I’d be a university tutor but as time went by I realized that’s completely unrealistic. People say practice will make it easier to be with people but not for me I just get more bad over time .I wish I could work with animals and I volunteer in a cat shelter but it is very competitive to get a paid job there and they say they want a “confident” person – so that eliminates me as a candidate.

I honestly truly feel I am a waste of space and there is no place for me in this world because I just am not the type of person that can make it in this world and contribute nothing to it because I cannot handle how social people are expected to be even in roles that don’t inherently need it (like animals or even studying). I am just a drain on society and the world would be better off without me.

If I lived in the USA then at least I could have prospects to make money because I could sell my blood, or sell my face for a tattoo commercial or be a guinea pig but that’s not legal here so there are only “traditional” jobs which are beholden to human skills. But I don’t and I can’t.

I do live with my mother and we are really poor. Her partner is our landlord and his adult child (in late 30s) who live there make life even more intolerable. He stalks me, verbally abuses me in atrociously vulgar and sexual ways, intimadates me and the one time I stood up to him and told him to leave me alone e threatened to punch me. The landlord refuses to do anything and he forbids us to go to the police  and he’d kick us out if we would , and refuses to deal with him and we cannot afford to live anywhere else.

Since I am the one who copes worst with this abuse (my mother has a thicker skin), I am the cause of the problems between the landlord because everyone, landlord, family, shrink, just say to “ignore” the abuse. But I am not normal and it is too painful I can’t ignore being told awful hurtful things about me. If i wasn’t around maybe landlord’s son would stop being as abusive because I am the one who is a “freak” and who he targets most.

And shrinks don’t help at all, in fact they make me feel worse because they say i am the problem so they just bring me down even worse. I hate the way they impose CBT  cookie cutter templates of how you should think to turn you into a worthy human being rather than recognizing we are indivuduals who have different feelings and can’t expect everybody’s brain to think the same way, and make you eat pills that don’t help at all and make you gain weight (the one thing I used to like about myself was my thinness) AFTER you stop taking them .

I did o.d. on these pills once after I couldn’t take the situation anymore. In spite of weird side effects like twitching, I felt oddly calm and “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd kept playing over and over in my brain.. Of course, antidepressants are practically harmless, but the consequence of it was that everyone thought I was REALLY mental and treated me with gloves and how selfish and stupid I am for a while, and then went back to the same.

I would feel happy if I was dead because I have nothing to live for. I  hate the state of the world and its cruelty to animals that as a single person cannot do anything about. If the only purpose in life is to make money to have food to not starrve to death (and you can’t even do that) only to die of old age one day, and you have no significant other to share it with and never will, then why not just cut out the years of drudgery and go straight to the dead part.

I have no joy in life, and it would be socially responible of me to not be around because I’d be one less mouth to feed, one less space on public transport, etc.

I really wish that I could dissaude my mother from her threat that she would commit suicide if I die. I don’t know if it’s empty or not cause if I was dead I’d not be able to prevent it and I don’t want to take that risk. She has a younger son, so she would still have reasons to continue and it’s better if I die now rather than live to be a dissapointment to my family.

🙁

Sorry for ranting. Never used a site like this before..