You’re wrong there… usually bad things happen to good people and viceversa… that seems to be the general rule. Also it’s not your fault that he killed himself… it was his choice, you didn’t push it to it even if he hated you as you say, don’t be so hard on yourself.
That’s giving yourself way too much importance over his life. He probably wanted to kill himself long before you were born.
If I suspect that suicidal people are anything like myself, then they’ve had a lifetime of self-hatred or hate of their own lives till they finally got the courage or got fed up, or it was the final straw, or some other reason that pushed them over the edge.
Perhaps the best word to describe my life is bittersweet. So much bitterness and also sweetness…and actually some of what made is sweet also made me sad and suicidal.
I’m a loving person and all I’ve ever really wanted is to find one special person to love. I’ve found her, many of them, but somehow I’d sabotage my relationships. Either by making dumb errors or being arrogant or insecure or whatever….and I’ve always ended up alone and lonely. Friends/family/religion/things can never fill that gap or void in one’s life.
I don’t even know how I keep living every day considering how much I loathe myself. I guess people around me just keep me feeling good or happy and so I keep going. They have no idea how much I’m suffering. I really just fear screwing up my suicide so I don’t follow through. I also keep hoping things will get better and I’ll find the right girl.
But my hope is slipping on this. I’m going to try to turn my life around over the next couple of years and if that doesn’t work out then I’m really done. I can’t take living this pain for another 10 or 20 years. It has to end sooner than that.
2 comments
You’re wrong there… usually bad things happen to good people and viceversa… that seems to be the general rule. Also it’s not your fault that he killed himself… it was his choice, you didn’t push it to it even if he hated you as you say, don’t be so hard on yourself.
That’s giving yourself way too much importance over his life. He probably wanted to kill himself long before you were born.
If I suspect that suicidal people are anything like myself, then they’ve had a lifetime of self-hatred or hate of their own lives till they finally got the courage or got fed up, or it was the final straw, or some other reason that pushed them over the edge.
Perhaps the best word to describe my life is bittersweet. So much bitterness and also sweetness…and actually some of what made is sweet also made me sad and suicidal.
I’m a loving person and all I’ve ever really wanted is to find one special person to love. I’ve found her, many of them, but somehow I’d sabotage my relationships. Either by making dumb errors or being arrogant or insecure or whatever….and I’ve always ended up alone and lonely. Friends/family/religion/things can never fill that gap or void in one’s life.
I don’t even know how I keep living every day considering how much I loathe myself. I guess people around me just keep me feeling good or happy and so I keep going. They have no idea how much I’m suffering. I really just fear screwing up my suicide so I don’t follow through. I also keep hoping things will get better and I’ll find the right girl.
But my hope is slipping on this. I’m going to try to turn my life around over the next couple of years and if that doesn’t work out then I’m really done. I can’t take living this pain for another 10 or 20 years. It has to end sooner than that.