Suicide has never been considered until now. I live in America the land of the free. Truthfully, I think you are only free in america if your parents are successful enough to actually support you. I come from poverty. I am another statistic, another fatherless ( due to death) minority that is very confused and forlorn by his own existence. I am not ugly, not out of shape, nor stupid. At first glance it would seem I have a lot going for me. However I never feel that way. I have always dreamed of going to school and help bring my perpetually poverty and poor choice stricken family out of the seemingly enescapable rut we have always been a part of. My sisters are unmarried with multiple children. They constantly cost the government money and representing even further depressing statistics, year after year, to be apart of. I started school this year and the only school I could be apart of was this community college 40 miles away. I managed to wreck my car during a rainstorm on the way back from school and had to drop out. Thusly putting me thousands of dollars in debt and losing my job. Soon here I will be homeless. I want to die. I have no money to dig me out of the hole and I feel like I failed. People tell me ” you are young you’ll find a way out.” but it is improbable. Dying is the easy way out. I have always been told the easiest solution to a problem is typically the best. Well not the easiest way per say but the simplest way.
I am so broke I am amazed, I am so confused I am astounded, I am so lost I am utterly without words. Before I went to school I was doing pretty well for myself as a chef in a local 4 star restaurant. I had dreams of studying, a girlfriend, a car and many friends. Now Due to simply losing my vehicle ( I had liability and I hit no one else so it was a total loss in more ways than one) has ruined everything I was proud of. It has taken everything I have come to love and enjoy. I have one month and no money to figure out where im going to lay my head at the end of the day. I have zero options and even less money. I have no children. No illnesses and no drug addictions but somehow I am no different than the homeless crackheads you see on the street. Money is the new social class and I do see how any portion of my life is even remotely fair. I can get a new job with my experience but I don’t have a damn car to get me to work. Taking the bus is laughable in my area. We have no public transportation system that makes sense. It take 3 hours just to get to the post office 6 miles away. Of course I could walk to where I need to go but that takes an extremely long time in the middle of December in winter. There is 8 inches of snow on the ground right now. I don’t even have the proper boots anyway.
I understand that many people have it worse than I do. I am an atheist and will not change it. I find solace in the fact that I wont have any kidn of consiciessness when I die. Frankly I am tired of it all. I don’t have the energy, strentght nor the motication to keep going. I am so…destroyed. Wrecking my car ruined so much for me that id rather wreck myself than try to dig out of this hole. I just joined this website and typed this within about 20 minutes. I don’t know if people come here or if I wasted my time. But if anyone has anything To say to me it would be nice, even if it was “shut up and chill out”. I feel like I am alone and have no one that actually understands my circumstance. I have no help, I have no parents that can help. There aren’t any government programs I qualify for. I have no restitution. Using the last of my savings to buy a gun to end my struggle seems like a warm blanket on a cold day. I am tired of people telling me I must keep going. Who are they? what would they do. I am fresh out of tears. I am fresh out of goals. They have all been taken. I need some other humans words. I need to consider my options
7 comments
Stupid that you couldnt get another car…
you couldnt find anyone to carpool with reliably?
I used to drive 50 miles to college, each way, was a pain in the ass, just driving for an 3 hours out of every day i went, not good circumstances anyways…
Have you considered online classes?
I come from a rather well-off middle class family, but id throw away all the money i have if i could be normal and just make friends like everyone else, but instead i isolate myself, since whenever i try to i feel stupid and dont even understand why i want friends.
Well, you wrecked it..heck i drive like an idiot and have come close to accidents on numerous occasion, many times i just fall asleep driving back from college (i dont anymore, now that i got an apartment much much closer to school) and the only accident I ever got into was leaving a scrape on someones bumper in a parking lot (which ended in about 20 minutes with 0 repercussions…my parents told me not to even worry since my insurance rate is through the roof anyways and cant get any worse than it is.)
I’m sure you can find another vehicle for a few grand, or enough work somewhere to dig yourself out, i hope your family arent actually taking from your income, leaving you in this dire situation, hell I’d leave them until i were well enough on my own if that were the case; ironically my parents pay for everyything (that, and the scholarship i got for 1.2k/semester)
I hate trying to motivate with cheesy stuff like this… but there are a large number of highly successful people out there who have stories that at one point involved being totally broke, living in their car, etc. I just searched online and found a list titled famous people who were once homeless. I know it doesn’t really matter, everyone’s life is different. A million people could go from broke to successful and that still doesn’t necessarily mean that you will. But it does go against your comment that getting out of a bad spot is impossible.
You have the freedom to do whatever you want. People who tell you that you must keep going aren’t trying to torture you, just trying to encourage you to not quit. If you really want to end your life, nobody can stop you. In an ironic twist I really find it hard to believe that anyone on this website truly qualifies as suicidal, because people come here for weeks and months at a time and obviously they aren’t dead yet. You also came online and found a place to vent your problems rather than finding a train track lie down on. So like most people, you say “i want to die” when in reality you just want a break, a helping hand, a way out, to wake up tomorrow and suddenly have something happen that is going to get your life moving in the right direction again.
I don’t know where you live or how true it is that public transportation is nearly impossible for you or that no job is close enough to walk to. If that’s true, then that’s unfortunate and it sounds like you will have to do whatever it takes to try to get a cheap car that will last for a little while so you can get to work. Take a loan, ask every single person you know if anyone can help you out, etc.
There’s a difference between truly having no way out or just being too unmotivated or devastated to feel like trying any more. I’m familiar with just not wanting to try any more. Realistically there is probably SOMETHING you could do to get yourself on the right track, but you’re just wanting to stay defeated because you can’t find the energy to try again. That’s all up to you. You really can decide to let this be your final defeat and go on to end your life some how. Regardless of how it makes other people feel or their opinion of suicide, you won’t be alive to have to worry about it. Or you can try to hang on for a better day approaching over the horizon when hopefully things won’t suck this bad like thousands of other people are doing right now. Plenty of people are out of work and struggling right now. Aside from the great depression this is probably one of the times in history when you are least alone in having trouble figuring out how to make some money. It would be entirely worse if the economy was booming and you were just the one person who somehow couldn’t figure something out, but right now there are plenty of people right along with you in the situation you’re in.
There are times in our lives when ending the struggle seems like the only time we can catch our breath. And maybe it is, I am still unsure. Suicide may present itself to those who think they know what life is about and see no reason to carry on. While other times that very life is not known and the unknowing is our undoing. Still another situation, is yours, where through circumstance, the gravity of your condition is untenable.
I am a recovering catholic and, as you stated you are an atheist, you may find help in your local churches; at the very least in the form of food. I do not know where you live but there may be assistance; exhaust your options, the world needs you.
You are a strong individual and I find solace in that.
“I really find it hard to believe that anyone on this website truly qualifies as suicidal”
Right, thats why i bought a shotgun thats sitting in my dresser waiting until the ‘urge’ overcomes me…
You really think that the thousands of people that kill themselves dont try to get others to talk them out of it first? REALLY? Well, you must think that all people that DO manage to kill themselves were brainless zombies incapable of rational thought, or something…
Alot of homeless people have no option whatsoever, you think employers are itching to hire people off the streets? “oh look, someone who smells like piss, hasnt bathed in a month, and lives right nextdoor: in an alley! you’re perfect for this job!
I dont mean to get on your rub, yeah he can probably pull himself out, and he should if he plans on living, but i think your opinions about suicide are mostly inflated…
@silverbird: They are one of those types who believes suicidal means “instant death”….They are of the opinion that “suicidal” has a defined time limit or else you don’t ….”qualify”…if they would only google “define suicidal” they would see they sound quite ridiculous because:
Suicidal – deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide.
“far from being suicidal, he was clearly enjoying life”
relating to or likely to lead to suicide.
“I began to take her suicidal tendencies seriously”
likely to have a disastrously damaging effect on oneself or one’s interests.
“a suicidal career move”
So to say nobody here qualifies as suicidal merely because of the time they spend on a suicide forum (lol ironic) is quite ludicrous and it marginalizes peoples problems.
OP: I feel for you man. it is heard out without the extra burden of trying to find transportation to work. I am also deeply in debt and it is not fun being 22 and drowned in 1000s of dollars of debt. I haven’t worked in a year and half and its horrible knowing you’re just a burden and waste of life….we are in similar positions….I really hope either things improve for you or that you find the peace you seek…by any means…
Take care man
Aww thank you so much guys. I truly didn’t expect to get any responses, let alone five within 24 hours of posting. I’m smiling and in tears. I have always been an upbeat (although cynical) person. I was sitting there drunk and unhappy the nearest positive thought was 40 miles away from my brain lol. To be successful one must take risks I took one and lost it. I’m definitely down but I’m not out. Just seeing your responses has helped out my psyche so much I think ill be just fine. thank you so much. I vented everything and got exactly what I was asking for, some good ol’ company and understanding. Thank you so much. I decided I’m going to linger on this site much longer than I anticipated. I want to maybe help someone out like you all helped me. Your words were simple but extremely comforting everyone. You right by the way silverbird. I was very inflated I just wanted a virtual hug or two. But I got five haha
In the worst of cases you could rent a car with the money you were planning to use on a gun… just saying