Kids don’t give a shit about you as their parent, they just live to make sure that every day you have with them is full of misery.
Just over a year ago I lost my husband to Lung Cancer. The bottom dropped out of my world then. I had an attempt 49 days later, but someone found me. I thought I may have found a reason to go on, but no, it’s just an illusion.
My son turned 18 yesterday. He informed me earlier in the week that I had destroyed his life and he hated me, and then walked out of my house and my life. Another loss.
My 15 yr old can’t ever say anything without adding a “fuck you Mom” to it! Really, I need this?
I believe in God, but now that my husband is gone, all I want to do is be with him. My life is empty with no meaning. I know how to do it. Sleeping Pills, anti depressants (yeah, I am bi-polar), mix everything up and take it with some alcohol. All I want to do is sleep. No one is home now, kid left to spend the holiday with his girlfriend. She is more important than family! I hope he gets enough ***** while I am dying. The older one could have made me a grandmother, but I will never know, and I don’t want to know. I just want to be with my Scott. The pain is too much to take any longer. My therapist says I am selfish if I end my life and leave my sister to clean up the mess. Sell the house I just bought and pay all the bills. You can’t get insurance if you are bi-polar and have had suicide attempts before.
So, I’ve got about 200 trazadone, been saving them for about 6 months. I have some Klonapin too. Gonna go down and get some alcohol I’ve been saving for this. I don’t want to do this anymore. It hurts too much to be alone. And if I am wrong and I don’t end up with my husband in Heaven, then God really is a fairy tale just like my Scott always told me he was. I’m too old to be in this much pain. And I don’t want to celebrate another birthday next week. Yeah, my mom and sister and some friends will be upset, but hey, they should have known. I’m miserable and I have been for a long time.
Going to be with my Scott will be the best Christmas gift I can give all of them.
4 comments
I would think your kids are feeling the pain of Scott dying, rebelling in the way they know how to cope with the pain.
Fact is, you are still there for them. It will destroy them.
I honestly get mad at those who want to end it when they still have purpose.
I lost my wife (she cheated, walked out on me after 14 years). Im still “not right” because of it. But, I’m still here. I currently live with my mom, already older, and I know in some years it will become an “only me” situation.
Im scared of that really. I have attempted before (the night she left), and even though I have no history of mental illness, I do believe that circumstances can and do make people depressed beyond the point of thinking rationally, which to be honest, is what I am seeing here with you.
I can tell you this from the point of view of a son who treated his mother awfully after she got a divorce (as much as it hates to admit this), i didn’t know what i was doing at all… and most likely your sons don’t realize they are just taking out their anger and frustration on you. It’s easier to escape (especially at their age) than to confront what they feel, and blaming others is the first thing people tend to do in situations like this. Also i do believe your 15 son needs you even if he treats you that way (which is pretty normal at that age, even more so considering he lost his father).
I hope things improve for you, try talking sincerely to your sons (if you haven’t already), i ended up talking to my mom a couple of years ago (at the end of my 20s) and things did got better even if it was really difficult at first.
I meant “as much as it hurts to admit this”, was thinking that i hated and it hurt to admit it, and i ended up writing a mix of both, hehe
Please think again, sharing your trouble would help u to find a way out. i guess u can see my email, i’ll listen gladly.