I’m afraid I’m going to kill myself and I really don’t want to. I’m bipolar and my bipolar disorder has caused the guy I was dating (the one I thought I was going to marry, has left me do to a bipolar freak out of mine (I’ve been hurting him so much for so long) and this is not the first time I’ve done this to someone I loved) . I’m severely depressed and have been off and on for seven years. In high school, I used to cut myself and have attempted suicide once before when I was 15. I told my family about my issues tonight and was chastised for losing my boyfriend. Now they look at me with pity and I know nothing will ever be the same because they thought I was perfect. My boyfriend who was my best friend never wants to speak to me again and he has been my shining light for over a year. All I think about is death. I’m so scared of getting cancer or dying that I think killing myself is the best answer because then I’ll be able to control when I die and won’t have to deal with watching family members I love die around me. I’ve lost everything I was living for. I had an anxiety attack last night and I felt like my heart was about to stop and I was too scared to sleep. I used to be full of spiritual faith, but as I’ve studied science and such, I have lost all of my faith. I feel like there’s nothing for worthless trash for me to do but kill myself. But I don’t want to. Please help me. Save me. Help me get my boyfriend back. Help me be happy again and stop being a monster that hurts people. Please. I don’t know where else to turn
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Wow…we have so much in common. I’m not up for talking too much tonight, but I too lost my love in several fits of bipolar rage. I can tell you trying to get him back by desperate means only ends up pushing them away further. It is hard for them to see us this way and while they want to help, it also hurts them to stick around.
The only thing that has helped in my experience is writing a letter. Write it, then re-read it and edit it, and then send it. Try to keep is positive. How you appreciate him and what positive things he has helped you with. If possible, it may be helpful to explain why you said certain things in the rage, but he probably already knows it. If you have a plan for managing your bi-polar, tell him about what changes you are working on to hopefully lessen your outbursts. Let him know that his support means a lot to you.
Do your parents love you no matter what may happen? Of course most people would answer this question with ‘yes’ before ‘whatever may happen’ actually happens. Something like what you wrote about is never easy to be coped with – neither for you nor your family. They don’t only have to live with the fear of losing you any day due to you being suicidal, but they will also think about what mistakes they have done that may have led you to become suicidal and depressed and they will realize that they had a totally wrong image of you for the last years (?). So in the end you and your parents will have to realize what answering the following question actually means: Do they love you no matter what may happen?
Loving someone unconditionally means going through whatever may happen together. If your boyfriend loves you unconditionally he would actually be by your side now helping you get through your problems. I would really doubt his ‘true love’ if he stops hanging out with you as soon as you need him the most. Love isn’t proven in good times, but in bad times. If he really loves you – and I don’t want to rule out the possibility – he will realize his mistake and come back to you himself. If he doesn’t … – well then you know the answer.
Really, I think he doesn’t deserve you at all if he acts like that. Please don’t go begging him to come back to you, but wait for him to do the first step. If he loves you he will come to realize how much he needs you, if he doesn’t you will have to forget about him.