My biggest regret might be NOT throwing myself over the cliff of the mountain (real mountain) when I had the chance.
Why didn’t I throw myself off the cliff that day when I had the chance? When I could have made it look like a normal skiing accident? The only reason was because I thought I had finally found someone that loved and cared for me as I did him. I remember looking over the cliff with my skis on my feet and contemplating suicide after my group mates had all skied by. I listed all the reasons why I should kill myself, an opportunity like this doesn’t come very often (it was my first time skiing). But then I thought of him, and he was all I needed to believe that suicide was a ridiculous idea. I finally found the love of my life, I couldn’t give it all up!
But why we hope? Why do we try? Why do we do this to ourselves when we are constantly punished for our hopes?
It took only 4 months after that for me to realize that he wanted nothing but a quick “fuck and go” and never intended for us to be together longer than it was convenient for him. After I confronted him, he denied and denied and apologized and claimed that he was just bad at being a boyfriend. It fooled me, because I so desperately wanted to believe that. Then after a week, he dumped me.
It took me over 7 months to become only 80% of who I was before and this was after seeking professional help and lots of self attempts to get better. I read articles and articles, took up activities and activities, picking up an extra job, anything that would keep me busy. But for months it was in vain, my personal and academics life suffered despite all the work I put into it. There were days when I couldn’t even get out of bed. I just didn’t see the point. Why get up and there is only disappointment ahead.
Earlier this month I believed things were finally getting better. Other opportunities in life (non-romantic) finally seemed to open up for me, But alas, it was nothing but a ruse. Disappointment after disappointment are the pillars of my life.
People say that I shouldn’t kill myself because that would simply be giving into what the world wants. But what if, what the world wants is to simply to keep me alive to enjoy my suffering with false hopes? Wouldn’t ending it all, Â be in a sense, I, who wins in the end?
2 comments
I don’t think anyone wins in the end, even those who might revel in your misfortune. That’s probably why it’s designed that way. People don’t deserve to know life’s mystery.
There’s a post above yours called ‘me against the world’. That person has adopted rules on understanding their relationship with the various people they encounter in life.
Do you enjoy skiing, is that why you do it? I like horse racing. The Cheltenham festival in March is the only week of the year I feel normal. You should watch it.
I wouldn’t presume to know what the world wants (either to enjoy our suffering or to watch us end our existence… maybe both… maybe neither). I think that’s specific to the people with whom you interact. What I have learned is that people will use you in ways that provide them with some advantage or amusement until you are no longer useful to them. It sucks, but it’s been my experience. The way I cope is to stop giving a shit about what “the world” wants. After all, the world will be burned to a crisp when the sun goes supernova in millions of years anyway. That thought always gives me comfort.