What scares me the most is how calm I am. How calm I am right now, and also how calm I was earlier this evening when I went out to do it.
Literally 45 minutes ago I was in a wooded area in a field, scarf tied both around a tree and around my neck. But I chickened out. It was weird, walking towards that place I felt no fear, regret, doubt. There was no inclination I would back out, intact I actually stood still at one point and said to myself ‘look, if you don’t want to do this turn around right now, I won’t mind’ but I didn’t.
It wasn’t until I was about to drop that I felt a slight panic – albeit short lived.
And now I am back home. Still wanting to end it, but calm. Like tonight never even happened.
1 comment
I’m glad you’re still here! I know what’s it like to want to attempt until you’re finally successful, but maybe if we hold on someday we’ll no longer be suicidal. I hold onto that hope because I don’t like to think that I’m holding on for nothing.