I have been told that writing your problems can be good for you and hearing about other’s problems can make one not feel so alone.
I have been depressed off and on for the better part of 12 years. And ( of course) with the depression comes thoughts of suicide. Life will be ok for a little while then sneak up behind me, shred, burn, and scatter my happiness to the four winds leaving me staring in bewilderment .
At the beginning of my depression I used to write suicide notes and poems until one day a teacher found one of my poems. CPS was called and my parents were investigated. After my parents were cleared I was told(by my parents) that I was to keep my thoughts to myself and not embarrass my family again.
So i built a wall in my mind and behind that wall went every unhappy, destruction thought. The problem with walls though is eventually they will topple. Some just take longer than others. Today that wall fell.
It wasn’t even that big if a thing. Boss talked to me about my tone of voice when talking to clients. Just a warning really but I had a major break down when I got home. To the point that I started looking up suicide methods online. Which lead me to this site. After reading some of your stories I calmed down and slowly the wall is rebuilding itself.
Will I kill myself? Not today (after all I am dogsitting until new years) but we shall see where the wind blows.
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7 comments
Hello there, welcome aboard!
Suffering in silence over prolonged periods, especially twelve years, takes a lot of strength and it drains one’s spirit, of this I’m sure. It is sad yet frustrating that even your own family are/were denying this, and that you obviously wanted someone…anyones help.
The pressures in the workplace used to bewilder me all the time, but you just need to take it on the chin and carry on. I see criticism and “little talks” from the higher ups as them saying “you can and will do better than this”. And I’m sure that you are more than capable of this.
Let’s hope this purported wind blows you back towards life, so you may continue your journey.
Hello Rogue and thank you for the welcome.
Normally work does not upset me but sometimes it is the little things that, when combined, make you fall to your knees and scream “Enough! I am done! ” They say God only gives you as much as you can handle. I just wish he did not have so much faith in me.
I feel like I am waiting for the meaning of my life to present itself. As if I am not doing what I am lent and it is driving me insane. Well more so anyways.
Mm…I really like that statement about being given as much as you can handle, maybe you can handle more than this but you yourself do not believe it to be so? Yes, we need to find effective strategies to combat the lil’ things before the snowball effect kicks in.
Okay, so you are looking for “meaning” in your life; what do you envisage that being? Do you spend much time in your day-to-day life exploring lifes options? There are many possibilities and meanings that you can find out there.
Actually most days I do (my good days). I am going to collge for something I enjoy and am maintaining good grades.it is just this feeling I get everynight before bed that is telling me to run away, disconnect my phone, and start anew. Only two problems with that idea. 1. Money 2. A better car that won’t break down. Hence the job. But with bills it is very hard to save and the more I wait the more I sink.
I have been told no matter where you go there you are. What people fail to mention is that sometimes it is not you that you are running from but the things that are weighing you down.
That’s outstanding, truly it is.
I know that nagging feeling, like you’re content with what you’ve got but something tells you to find “more” in your life, as if you don’t have everything you need already. Well, I think your two problems are realistically solvable but yes, it’s going to require effort.
This last statement is also very true. There are three options (in my opinion) when it comes to this; Fight. Flight. Or Freeze. The option you take is completely up to you to decide, but it is always better to tackle life when you have options and the tools to actually combat it.
@1 keep building the wall as high and strong as possible
@rl how do you prevent from freezing, when you’re afraid that fighting will lead to inevitable defeat ?
@coquito
In that case “Flight”; run your arse out of there if you feel you cannot put up a good enough fight. But you must always admit defeat in this case, to honour yourself and the battle and it doesn’t mean you’ve lost the war. Gives you time to recuperate and get ready for lifes next battle.
This is all hypothetical, of couse. You can interpret it how you see fit.