What I Want

You ask me what I want and get angry when I reply, “I don’t know” for the umpteenth time in a row. How do I explain that I want to be here with you but at the same time I would give anything to be away from you? How do I explain that you make me so happy but at the same time I want to carve your name into my arm? How do I explain that you’ve finally given me a reason to live but at the same time you make me want to die even more? I don’t say, “I don’t know” to be difficult, I say it because in order to explain what I’m feeling right now I would have to explain everything else in my head and we’re not on this planet long enough for that. Some days I wake up and the sun is shining through my window and I feel hopeful, happy even, but by the time I lay down in bed I can’t stop myself reaching for the blade to rid of the darkness that’s settled over me. Some days I wake up and can’t get out of bed. You tell me you never want to hurt me, that you want to be with me, that you want me to trust you. But honestly, I’m just waiting for the day you drop me like you did last time. How do I trust you when I can’t even trust myself? I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to lay down and go to sleep forever. That’s what I want but I could never tell you I want to die…