I don’t want this anymore..

You do have some things to be depressed about, in a measure-able sense unlike quite a few on here, whose circumstance is surprisingly good but still depressed. Do you repress expression of your feelings about your own life to others ? Also it seems to me you have a good chance of being if your personal circumstance changes for the better ? more money relationship etc ? This is good news for you as there are many others whose depression follows them no matter the positive position they have in life. This no doubt makes things worse for them, ok if your surviving by doing a dead end job for 12 hours a week in America and are on welfare, your are probably stable but trapped at the bottom end of the social welfare spectrum. Women in general regardless of what romance novels tell you, tend to be looking for some security, which you will struggle in your current circumstance to offer. I think what you need is dramatic change in your life? Which in your financial situation is dangerous, I reckon you need to garner some savings and make a dramatic attempt to change your life move elsewhere to a ‘full time’ job somewhere else in the world. You write well so I’m guessing your autism isn’t a big issue intellectually ? If so when you move try dropping it as a reasoning, when you describe yourself in future. Big change but move to a job opportunity elsewhere, perhaps even look and apply for a job well above your current station, risk failure and learn from the experience, treat it as something you are allowed to be indifferent to if you fail and carry on