It’s 2014 another year passed and I’m still here. Why I don’t know. My entire life I’ve been dissapointed, by myself.
I failed 3 different college studies I’m 28 now, work as a cleaner but only 12 hours in the week. I try to find more work, but no one hires me. I’m also autistic so I’m on welfare mostly (cept for those 12 hours that I make money).
I now realise that dead end jobs are my future, I’ll never be able to afford much. For now it’s a struggle to even make enough money to provide for myself.
Socially it’s no better, in my 28 years I’ve had quite a few crushes. I always acted on them and told the person I fancied, they never fancied me back though. So I’m 28 and never held a girls hand or had a kiss. I do have friends, they are all “succesful” in live. Having girlfriends, good jobs and some even kids on the way.
No matter what I do and how hard I try I can’t get that. All I face is rejection and more rejection. When I lay in bed at night I cry mostly….wondering what I do wrong. I tried forgetting about goals and desires and just work my dead end job while finding more work. But it eventually all comes back, I see other people have girlfriends and my heart just breaks. I must be ugly or just no fun to hang out with and of course not very smart.
I wonder how long I can keep this up, putting in so much effort and never getting anything to show for it. Everday gets harder and I think about death more and more. Nothing to look forward to but more dissapointment and loneliness .
4 comments
You do have some things to be depressed about, in a measure-able sense unlike quite a few on here, whose circumstance is surprisingly good but still depressed. Do you repress expression of your feelings about your own life to others ? Also it seems to me you have a good chance of being if your personal circumstance changes for the better ? more money relationship etc ? This is good news for you as there are many others whose depression follows them no matter the positive position they have in life. This no doubt makes things worse for them, ok if your surviving by doing a dead end job for 12 hours a week in America and are on welfare, your are probably stable but trapped at the bottom end of the social welfare spectrum. Women in general regardless of what romance novels tell you, tend to be looking for some security, which you will struggle in your current circumstance to offer. I think what you need is dramatic change in your life? Which in your financial situation is dangerous, I reckon you need to garner some savings and make a dramatic attempt to change your life move elsewhere to a ‘full time’ job somewhere else in the world. You write well so I’m guessing your autism isn’t a big issue intellectually ? If so when you move try dropping it as a reasoning, when you describe yourself in future. Big change but move to a job opportunity elsewhere, perhaps even look and apply for a job well above your current station, risk failure and learn from the experience, treat it as something you are allowed to be indifferent to if you fail and carry on
Should read ‘good chance of being happy’ above
Thanks for the reply, I apply for around 14 jobs per week. All sort of jobs. I am actually in Europe. English isn’t my native language. I can’t save, actually my mom and dad help me financially. Because if you start a college and don’t finish it you are left with a huge debt.
I hardly ever describe my autism during job interviews. (though I am actually forced to due the nature of my wellfare situation its the law n stuff)
And women…… even back in high school and college when no one earned money, they avoided me like the plague. Even had one or two just laugh at me when I told them about my feelings.
I’m in a hole that only gets deeper, darker and lonelier as I age. Oh and btw big change, people with autism don’t handle change well. Not well at all. It’s the reason I stopped going on the family vacations at age 12. Something as simple as going to a hotel abroad would unsettle me in pretty serious ways.
Don’t worry, some women have too damn high expectations (and the media should probably be at fault for that) but I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s nice and not so freaking judgemental and will accept you π
Keep hope π If you’re applying to so many jobs, there is more possibility of you being chosen, and I read somewhere that people with autism are more dedicated to their work, so you must be offered more jobs π
“IΓ’β¬β’m in a hole that only gets deeper, darker and lonelier as I age.” Once you get to the bottom of the hole, the only way you’ll go will be upwards π There is light, all we have to do is open our eyes (or let our pupils do the work lol). And you’re never lonely, all you have to do is look for the people willing to give you company π Sometimes we end up making ourselves feel lonely and hurt by surrounding by trying to belong somewhere we don’t, and we eventually end up feeling lonely. But if we look in the right places, we get rewarded π If you don’t know where to look, follow your instincts (because they’re never wrong) and never give up π