I’m the crazy one because i don’t want to live in a world like this? I don’t want a life of agony? IF I DIED HE CLEARLY WOULDN’T CARE AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE MORE. my health isn’t important enough? he’s so wrong about me. i know I’m partially to blame, i know I’ve done things wrong, but if i try and make it better, and stick around every day and just try my hardest, can i keep blaming myself? how can someone just care for somebody else SO LITTLE when the other person loves them more than anything? how can someone feel they can keep hurting someone infinitely and not think there is a limit, and still blame the other individual? how can they not care they are destroying that persons’ life? HE LITERALLY WOULD NOT CARE IF I DIED. he’d go about his day, business as usual. HE’D BLAME ME. all things that are out of my control, I’M TO BLAME. there is no joy, no sanity, so security, nothing. how can i want to live like this? how can i want to live when i can’t make this person see how WRONG they are. how can i want to live when i can’t make this person see how much they hurt me and how much it doesn’t matter to them? it never hurts him to see me hurt. he enjoys it. is he a sociopath? is that what it is? if i have tried for this long to make up for the past, am i still to blame? if his one mission is to bring me down, am i still to blame? HOW THE HELL CAN MY LIFE HAVE MEANING, IT HAS NONE, THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME. go on and do what i got to do, WHAT AM I DOING?! nothing! just trying to live! he has these ideas in his head that are so wrong. all i wanted was to be with him and be happy and love him and care for him and have a normal decent life. impossible. he’d never allow it. if i have any ounce of happiness, if i care for my health needs, no way, I’M SHIT! I SHOULD LICK THE GROUND HE WALKS ON AND EAT HIS SHIT! he doesn’t want to deal with this? deal with me? me hurt? me having a terrible life, and him making sure that i continue that? he can’t deal with it? i know i prompted a lot of this, but i wanted it to change and I’m doing all that i can, and he can’t deal with it? he wants to make my life a living hell, and he can’t deal with it when I’m feeling like I’m dying? yeah, say I’m being dramatic. he can’t deal with it. lets get someone to try and make his life a living hell, let me hire someone, that’s their main mission, and let him care about that person more than anything, and then that person say they can’t deal with it. after they made sure that he doesn’t have a happy or healthy life. and how he reacts, and how hurt he is. maybe he won’t be hurt at all, maybe he won’t care, maybe he is incapable. i don’t know. he can’t care about anyone but himself, in fact, instead of caring about the other person, if they have wronged him, no matter how long they try to stick it out to show they are sorry, his main goal is to keep hurting them, and hurt them enough that when he completely cuts contact, they have no way to rebuild because they are that far down. i don’t want any of the shit he thinks i want from anyone else, i want it from him. what i don’t want from him is to kick me so hard that i can’t get up, and that’s what he’s done. but I’m crazy because I’m so hurt, because i don’t want to exist after all of this. when i have nothing left. when i can’t get MY point across. when my hurt doesn’t get noticed, when the amount that i love and care doesn’t get noticed. i met an angel-like person, and now the opposite.
i have nothing. there is no chance for me, and it is impossible for me to move on and live knowing that the only thing i cared about cares nothing for me, and is so wrong about me.
theres nothing left for me.
how can he not see how wrong this is?
I’ve lost it.
i don’t want to exist
thats the truth.
actually, i DO want to exist, but only if i can get my point across and have a good life, not if i have none