Another rant of a basket case

I’ve been reading these posts for a little bit and I feel compelled to write something to see how I feel after.

For the majority of my life (I’m 20) I’ve always felt lonely, unimportant, useless, forgettable, and other synonymous adjectives that will most likely describe how I’ve felt.  I’ve grown up with a life most people would envy; a caring family and friends, food, shelter, education, income when needed, support for the things I do, everything.

Despite living a comfortable life, I feel so hopeless regardless of any efforts to better my life.  And I must stress I put in considerable effort to better my life.  But to make long story short nothing helped.

Nobody knows how I really feel, the last time I tried discussing my feelings I was outed to my parents and essentially threw that person under the bus to save myself.  I don’t want to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling, no one will understand, trust me.  I’ve seriously prepared for suicide once but then I thought maybe it was teen angst, but now I’ve been doing research and will most likely have the result I want.  I know I’m young, immature, but I’ve been in school for several years studying psych and health sciences so I have some understanding of where I am, where others are, and how my body is involved in this.

Ironically, the profession I’m in school for has one of it’s values as “the sanctity of life.”

I should also add for the past year or so I’ve had terrible sleeping problems pushing me further towards suicide.  So now I’m sometimes afraid to sleep because of where my subconscious will take me and being awake means I have to somehow deal with these tormenting feelings.

Like most people I could be more detailed and fill in several important facts that push me to this, but there’s no point.  I’ll wait a little bit before I start preparing to off myself.  Thanks to those who decided to read, the best to you all.