I’m not sure if I trust myself, particularly my thoughts. I feel as though my memories are betraying me. I’m permitting the last to take control, a past that is neither factual nor fabricated, a past that I can’t trust. As I reminiscence about what I think has happened I can’t help but question the reliability of the source, have I gone crazy?
No one has a perfect life, some would like to believe they do but perfectionism is a flawed concept, it’s unattainable. Even knowing this some of us strive for flawlessness, even though our search is most certainly in vain.
I often question the meaning of life, and almost always come up with the same two solutions, that life is meaningless or that the meaning in life is to fine meaning, I’m not sure if either even make sense. I think everyone may find different meanings, negative or positive, possibly both.
I have always believed that being intelligent is the only important thing in life, nothing else mattered to me. I think I may have associated intelligence with acceptance. Although, now that I think of it, it’s not nearly as important as I once believed. Now I believe intelligence is both a curse and a give, but that’s not the point of this, I keep getting side tracked.
I thought re-analysing my life, my thoughts, my ideas, etc. would help me. I believed that it would help me to find reason, but I think it has just led me to question things further. It had brought things back into my head, things I tried to keep hidden, which now puts me back on track with where I was going.
Thinking back to my childhood, I don’t remember much, but there are things I’m starting to recall. This makes me question the source, am I thinking that’s things because I’m crazy? Did these really happen? Is my twisted mind making things up? Unfortunately, I do not know this answer to this, and I do not think I ever will. I’m not going to go into detail, that’s unnecessary.
I think I would like to know the truth, whether these have happened in a dream or if they are memories I have suppressed. Thinking about this scares me, but I have always believed it best to face your fears, yes it’s easier said that done.
I’m not sure where to go from here, it’s difficult. My main questions now are; can I be fixed? Do I want to be fixed? Am I worth fixing? Nine of these questions have simple answers, each have advantages and disadvantages, each have right and wrong answers, but I guess such is true with all questions.
Sometimes I like to believe that I am beyond help, I’m not sure if that’s the lack of motivation or laziness talking, possibly both.
I feel as though I am at war with myself, one part wants to move on, be successful, life a fulfilling life. The other part just wants to give up and sink away into the pit of hopelessness. I know which part is easiest but I do not know which path is for me.
I have decided to take this opportunity to outline some things I wanted to accomplish, I wanted to write a book, a good book, not one of those overrated books for the wrong reasons, I wanted to become a doctor, a cardiologist, I wanted to have a nice, comfortable home, I wanted a family, not too big though, I wanted to be happy with myself, maybe not even happy; contentment would have sufficed, I wanted to help people, make them laugh, smile, cheer them up with everything seemed hopeless.
But now I realised that was unrealistic, it’s nice to dream but I think dreams should be forgotten when they depress you because you believe you are unable to accomplish them. I’ve realised that things have always been unattainable, I now know that I cannot do the things I wanted to, the reason why isn’t something that is of importance to anyone, but myself.
I feel as though I have begun to ramble now, I’m not sure what the point of this writing was. Maybe it helps to get my words out there? Maybe it validates how in feeling? I am uncertain to the answer to this too. I’m just filled with uncertainty.
5 comments
Sometimes you get people who post their favourite music on here. They post songs with lyrics they resonate with, that aptly convey their feelings or circumstances. Some of them are beautifully written. I have a lot of the songs they post by some of my favourite songwriters yet I listen to Electronica. It’s not that I don’t understand, I just choose to listen to Electronica. I hope you understand what i’m trying to say.
There is a lot here Pum.
I do believe memory as an operation necessary is “tainted” by the present. That is, memory is not the mere retrieval of information “stored” in the brain. However, this does no mean that your memories are not revealing truths to you.
There is more to intelligence than memory–there is also the recognition of patterns, and recognizing your own patterns of thought is essential to understanding where you come from. The past that stays in the past is not the problem; it is the past that keeps surfacing and playing itself out in the present that needs to be examined. To examine it, you need to carefully observe the details of your own behavior. As an example, I never used to pay attention to how much I mentally called myself names because of how I was treated during my childhood. Now I not only notice I call myself names for minor mistakes, but I have grown intolerant of my negative behavior. In short, memory is an excavation. It is like performing an act of archaeology on yourself.
As for being fixed: The mind is a trickster and will project all kinds of “oughts” and “shoulds” that with derail you from your true source of peace: Acceptance of yourself. I could talk a lot longer about this but I do not want to make my comment overly long.
That you are uncertain is an opportunity to keep an open mind and continue searching. Be patient with yourself, Pum! I’ve traveled the pathways of my unconscious looking for clues into my forgotten childhood too. Just recently I traced an addictive behavior pattern to when I was 8 years old. (I too also wonder about the fictions we tell ourselves to give meaning to a possibly meaningless world.)
I dipped into the chat rooms Pum and enjoyed talking with you very much, but there is too much there that is unhealthy for anyone, too many unhealthy people lurking around permeating those places with a negativity that suffocates any good that might be accomplished. If you would like, I would very much enjoy talking with you further, just not in those chat rooms.
Sincerely,
Jeff
jefferywissman(at)gmail(dot)com
Dear Pum
I Have been fighting myself with some of the same issues you question yourself on. Success and the significance of your life is where my battle truly lies. Here is my opinion……I am “wildly successful in my Career” I earn enough money to make me cry. The money brings me zero joy. I give to charities but that is neutral to me because i really don’t care about money. I am not really giving up something. I love to work, a by product of this is money. I love to work because i have a hard time with family relationships and i use it as an escape. “no i cant make the family get together because i have to work. Great…..So i have spent 20 years of my life in pursuit of being a mechanic in the offshore oil industry. great……..who cares? I don’t. My life has been missing the significance.
Life in the end (personal belief) is measured by significance, not i was a doctor, rich, poor or i had the biggest house, the fastest car…..Your significance will be measured by your character, relationships, values and virtues. I think if you focus less on the end result, and more on the experiences of the road to those results (making better decisions based on past results) that is the meaning of life.
As far not knowing if the past that you remember is true or a dream, Question boldly those thoughts and see if they pass or fail based on facts. If not i don’t have an idea on that.
Cheers!
It feels like you’re blurring the inconclusive nature of intelligence, meaning of life, and perfection to the dreams of being a writer or cardiologist. People can strive for ideals but YOUR dreams are tangible goals. Submitting writing, studying heart murmurs, and receiving feedback from those you’ve touched ARE attainable. I don’t say this often but you’re thinking too much. See what it FEELS like before you draw your conclusions. Solely relying on reasoning into existence is not human. And as the others said, keep an open mind, once you get going don’t lose focus on what’s important.
Ive been feeling the same way…. Im not sure what I feel anymore, Ive always wanted to die, not just an escape either just to be dead to be nothing, its what I want… I think though that maybe staying for a while longer might be nice too.. to go to japan, major in art, live it out, maybe find somebody out there, meet people.. for just a few years and then end it but then whats the point.. i think i could go out with friends but then i know its just the idea of friends i like… i actually hate people, i got rid of all my friends because they were annoying to keep around… work hard in art? I barely can get out of bed let alone actually try to do anything for my future… oh wellll id give it all up either way