I’m that guy that lost his girl in a car accident. I’m that guy that promised to write a book.
I had already given up on life and writing that book was my last little hope that clung me onto life. And you know what… I have failed. My 200 days are nearly over and haven’t been able to finish that damn stupid thing.
It was my last goal. That’s what life is all about! Having a goal. I’m a real thinker. I keep overthinking, rethinking and placing myself in differed perspectives. And having a goal is what keeps us here, no matter how crazy it is. Want to be an F1 driver? Become one. Want to be a celerity? Start snorting that coke up your nose. Want to have world power? Build an A-bomb. All goddamn crazy ideas unless you believe in them.
Anyway. Here is my personal world-exit card.. date.. thing.. whatever. My date is set the 12 January, yes this Sunday, around 9 to 10 Pm Amsterdam time. My date with death as promised. So goodbye f*cked up world. You have hidden that life restart button very well!
Side note: Although I never took part in the community here on Sp, I had the weird need to tell this here. Maybe because you all are the only ones that understand.
20 comments
Luck is most commonly the intersection of adequate preparation and opportunity.
Without preparation, opportunity will be wasted.
Without opportunity, endless preparation will not produce desired results.
Maybe “write a book” was the wrong goal. Maybe a series of books. Maybe a blog filled with innumerable streams of fluid consciousness, and carefully configured SEO, and advertising, and also a link to your “books.”
“Writing a Book” is a big deal. There’s a lot more to it than simply recording your thoughts. Blogs are better suited for such freestyle formats.
And i know… blogs are so passé… there’s a billion blogs on the internet, what’s special about yours? Does anyone even read anymore? Are all the successful blogs only about making money with blogging, cooking, and hipster stuff?
And for that matter: who reads books anymore? (yes, i know, some do…)
Idk man. But i understand about not being able to believe in one’s own goals. It’s not about “wanting it bad enough;” it’s about actually being able to do it.
Hey man i remember you, its a pity u didn’t frequent the place more often. I know the failure that comes with writing, but do you view it as failed because time ran out or because u find yourself incapable of finishing it?
@Clevername
Wise words.
Your thoughts live up to your name.
@Procel
I didn’t post here more often because then I would be spamming all over this site. Never the less I have read posts on here nearly every day. I’m more of a quiet listener.
Time ran out… I guess. I’m capable of finishing it. That is one of the few things I’m sure about in life. But I made a promise to a very special someone and I’m a man of my word. So I’m going to keep it that way.
Well if you read most of the posts ud realise there’s plenty of spam already on here and no one cares, hell i havnt posted one that wasn’t spam related in a long time. And i dint think yours would have been spam, u are planning on dying after all.. If this is something you are capable of finishing do you really want to leave it half done? This is your crowning achievment, and ur going to turn ur back on it? Ive a feeling i know who you promised, would they want you to finish what you started? Even if it ment being a bit late with whatever comes after death? Good books are getting scarce, i read enough to know that. The world is a poorer place without good works of art.
@Procel
I completely understand what you mean. I really do.
But what do you propose? Keep on live and trying? No way man.
I know there is hope for everyone, situations will get better. But how long… how much more do I have to wait? I have already tried everything I can come up with and patiently fought for results. (I respect the people that have been trying longer then my short three and a half years.)
I know death is permanent and after it there is nothing, that is what I believe. I know there is no coming back and reclaiming your body. But weirdly enough I have lived up to this moment. To have peace at last.
Forget about reaching the goals and focus your time into the road of life that leads to the goal.
@OnlyLOVEidReal
Not mad or anything. But you are telling me to stop thinking about goals in life and work on abstract ways to achieve “things†I am not supposed to think about.
Paradox maybe?
Dear dutch times,
eulogy…He was a F1 Driver and exited on ……because he said he would. Lacks significance
Eulogy 2… He was a F1 driver and on the way to becoming one of the best F1 drivers, he taught little league, help friends when they were in dark places seek light, He gave of himself, He wrote a book in honor of a passed friend, ….. All kinds of significance
Keep going in life my friend, death will catch you on the road to your goals later.
DutchTimes is an F1 driver?
But you’re not really “out of time” … time is the one thing we have in abundance. Your goal is to write a book … something you say you are quite capable of doing and finishing. I think any writer will tell you that arbitrary deadlines come and go all the time. they may help us with focus and time management but they don’t NEED to be a drop dead date (pun semi intended for humor) … focus on finishing the book, that’s the goal … you have all the time in the world after that to redeem your world-exit card … it’ll still be valid
goalie dawg
@Murky Lurker
No I’m not a F1 driver. Lol
@OnlyLOVEidReal
Trying to reflect my options on life, sneaky. But you have to understand that I lost someone I loved to much there are no word for. Such a sweet beautiful girl transformed to a slaughtered pieces of mush bent between pieces of metal. She is 24/7 on my mind. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I just can’t take it anymore.
you might be.
There’s an article on the racing post website published after my post on here where Nigel Twiston Davies has pretty much reiterated what I said.
You never know who’s hanging around here
@Dawg
But then I will break my promise like I said before and I’m a man of my word. Than I should have set myself 400 days. I still have 3 days to decide if I want to give life a little longer try.
is writing a book a job ? I know some people make a living out of it, but only “some people”. The problem about being celebrity is… They don’t mostly depend on your abilities, rather they depend on some luck. Be realistic… Dreams are never meant to come true. That is why they call them “dreams”.
Dreams were meant for chasing…
this is going to sound cliche and tired as hell, but…
“i think the one you lost would have wanted you to keep going… not give up.”
And that probably would mean more to that person, than any promise made to the departed.
You Can take it; you just don’t want to, because it really sucks to have to live with such a haunting tragedy. Humans are quite resilient. Sometimes the stuff we think should be more than enough to kill us, just doesn’t… even when it hurts enough, for long enough, to make us wish it would.
Dreams can come true. Up until a few years ago, I was accustomed to getting almost everything I wanted in life, because I worked for it. I then became depressed, suicidal, and apathetic, and stopped trying. One can’t expect a fairy godmother to show up on their doorstep and make all their wishes a reality. If you want something, you must make your best effort, and stride confidently towards this goal, no matter what obstacles are put in your path.
dutchtimes, i had no intentions of being sneaky, I do not doubt your love for that girl, nor will i say she will ever be replaced(because she can’t be replaced) she filled a time in your life that no one can. If you want to honor her, instead of exiting this world to head to the next, Maybe a driving awareness campain in her name, or a scholarship foundation in her name. Finish the book you are writing,(contrary to what others say, i still read at least one book a week) dedicate the book to the wonderful woman that was your Love, and end it with a call to support the lasting memory of her in the setting of your choosing. Choose something she was passionate about, it will add even more meaning. I know you can do this.
I could write your words myself, Persephone. I’ve finally gotten up and begun fighting again, but that last “hit” almost laid me out completely. I’ve dealt with depression all my life, but *nothing* like that last round!
@ DutchTimes: You could always write your book out here. You might just get more readers than some published writers ever see. Who knows? It could go viral. I think it valiant of you to strive be a man of your word, but sometimes a knight must change his course. Just a thought.
As I’ve said before, setting a date in advance might be a trap. At least for me it was. DutchTimes, I lost someone very dear in this life and I quit life after that. If you do that for too long of a time it’s almost impossible to return. I wrote a book. It took me 4 years to complete it. The result was significant. At least one man on this Earth liked it. That is a high reward. Now, I have to destroy my imagination so I can continue to live on. I work in a supermarket, even if I dislike this job a great deal.
I understand your suffering and the choice is yours. It s a long road to attain your goal. A state of the mind can be changed, but it takes time. The circumstances should be changed first.