Over the last few years I’ve attempted suicide several times. There has always been someone to stop me. I don’t understand. Is my timing that bad that my friend shows up on the night I take enough pills to kill a small elephant washed down with half a dozen or so beers and when I don’t answer the door has the apartment manager let her in? Â (I still don’t know what lie she told to get in). Or when I decided to jump off the roof of a parking garage and ended up parking next someone who works for the same company? Â The crazy thing is I have more of these stories. At least 3 more where my plans have been thwarted. I’d like to believe I’m a pretty decent planner, but when it comes to my own demise, I pretty much suck at it. So my question is- what I can’t wrap my head around- is why not?? Â People die everyday. I work in a profession where I see it. People who are so careful, whether on a conscious or subconscious level, trying to PREVENT their death. What am I doing wrong?? Â I’ve fantasizes about my death more or less since prepubescence. A few desperate attempts here and there late teens and early twenties were perhaps those “cries for help” that went unheard. Now there is a true desperation to stop this madness that consumes my brain daily. It’s no picnic being me and I get it- life’s not all rainbows and unicorns. But the things that ARE good in your life should be more good than bad, right? Â I’m just so tired being me and wish I could run away and pop up someplace new until things go bad there. But circumstances being what they are that’s just not possible. So how do I live feeling this way?? Â Or why not me today??
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6 comments
It seems that life doesn’t want you to be gone. It would piss me off too to not be able to make this happen. I feel you. You’re not alone.
Perhaps, in some weird way, life has other plans for you. I can imagine how frustrating it must be. At the same time, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders… Is there something you can do to make things better? Maybe seek advice?
Life is something miraculous. Fate? I don’t believe in those things. But your decisions right now are what will make up your future. Every single action, every harm you may potentially give yourself.. that is what will make up your miraculous future. Why miraculous? Because life is a marvelous thing. See, I am just a 16 year old girl. I may not have experienced everything in life but every single person has a different story. Believe me, right now, you’re fighting against death. Death is trying to come to you but you’re strong enough to know you that death can’t fight against you. Not yet. Not yet when there is so much more to it. You’re at the climax of your own story. Soon, you’ll be coming to your falling action. Then resolution will come. Please just remember. Stars can’t shine without darkness. Now come on and cheer up! You’re that star that will outshine death!
during the time you were writing this post you could’ve gone to your bathroom and cut your veins, nobody would save you then. truth is, you don’t want to die, maybe you just don’t know it yet. deep down you still have hope.
I was writing this while in my car so slitting my wrists was not an option. It is also a slow and messy death. But I will keep that in mind next time
@runnergal2 you took what i was saying too seriously. what i meant was that there are plenty of opportunities to end one’s life without anyone suspecting, and you never took those opportunities. you could’ve killed yourself in a car too, but you didn’t.