Everything is wrapped up. Letters are sealed. Things are organized. The method tested. My ocd is almost satisfied.
I was hoping that tonight will be the night but I’m thinking tomorrow night works better. I’ve been tooling around on this site a bit and I feel like I have more left to offer. “Leave things better than what you found them and don’t step on anyone’s toes if you can help it.”-Me.
That and I’ve got a big mess to take care of to save others the trouble (I’ve got two ferts that deserve a fresh setup).
A few people here have hit the nail on the head as to how I really feel but couldn’t previously express. Thank you. There was a time and place where it could have really helped. Perhaps I’ll form my thoughts later tonight.
I haven’t decided on whether or not to expose this account once I go.
Question. Would you spend the time and write down all of your secrets and thoughts if you knew you were going to die? I’ve no idea who’d be curious enough to read it or if it would do any sort of good as far as closure goes. I prefer to take all of the pain with me but that is impossible.
20 comments
I say push through make a life for yourself make a better 1 u only have 1 life and u dont get another as a little fishy told me “just keep swimming”
stop, i want you to stay.
Every once in a while I do too. It’s been a long time though. I’m not even sad anymore, I’m just very tired. =)
sleep theeen , sleep thoughs worries awaaaaaaaaaayy , and when you wake up , hopefully its sunny go sit outside, or if you wake up earlier enough watch the sun rise, it always makes me feel better about life, because theyre is always new begginings, you just have to make them, and if its cold TAKE A BLANKET hahah , everytime i do that , it akes my day alot better.
CaameXx, will all due respect, taking blankets when it’s cold doesn’t work for me anymore. I have a sincere respect when someone wants to sum up the good things in life, I do, but I could sum up probably double of the bad things I feel (even under that blanket or in the sunshine)
As the writer of this post, committing suicide is not easy and you shouldn’t do it when you aren’t sure. I’m happy for you. I’m happy you feel the things I don’t. The best to you
I plan to be outside actually. I’m more of a sunset kinda guy anyways. Hopefully tomorrow night is a starry one.
I can’t sleep just yet though. Much to do. Much to do.
Oh… and thank you CaameXx your words make me slightly warmer. Much appreciated.
@givemesomepeace
I’m not sure if you’re referencing something I’m not seeing or what but if someone wants to sum up good things in live for someone else… don’t shoot them down. Always try to help not hurt especially on this site.
That aside. I’m curious as to what you are feeling. I’m not on this site all of the time but I do check my posts. You’re welcome to vent about your problems here.
I don’t want you to go. But respect your decision. The little bit we chatted was really nice and i wish nothing but the best for you.
Do live in Texas by chance?
I know what you mean and feel… Just remember, there are new beginnings as said above, but then again there are endings. But just because there’s and ending doesn’t mean there won’t be another new and better beginning.
I won’t lie. This isn’t the place to lie.
I have thought about flipping my whole life around again. Re-rolling the dice as I always tell people they should do right before the very end.
I’ve thought about a lot of things. But the thought of being at peace is winning and has been for a long time.
@Lostnbroken
thank you. same here =)
@Gmight2Night
I actually live in Michigan. I have family out in Texas though, and a few friends.
@Krys
Thank you… I agree with you. There’s always a chance things will get better.
Anytime. Good luck on things getting to be better for yourself. I know things are hard… If anything, look up the song I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for cutie. It sooths.
I really do like that song. It is soothing.
I doubt anything is going to change my brain tomorrow… but if it does I will be sure to post something.
Hang in there…
Toxic, It was not my intention to “shoot them down”. If it helps, I can only celebrate that. I was only talking for myself, not for anyone else. I’m way deeper than being able to pull myself up on blankets and sunshine. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. As to other people, I of course wish them the best and it’s far from my intention to bring them down. Correct me if I’m wrong but I read, it’s ready, wrapped up and letters are sealed. I was under the impression the writer was in far worse condition than he or she might actually be. I have personally saved some lives in here, so I’ll be the last one to shoot anyone down. If you understood it that way, I’m afraid you misunderstood
And if OCD is what you have, I understand that you must be suffering. About me? I rather not talk about my problems here because I feel like I have so much before, not here but to many health professionals. I respect anyone’s decision, it’s always very difficult to make the distinction between someone who is almost there and someone who is beyond saving. That’s how I feel. I could be wrong, I’m not perfect. English isn’t my native language so I have a hard time describing what I feel in the correct manner. If you have some of that power to live left, even one day, take it all the way. I wish you the very best and the strength to fight against whatever demons you may have.
@givemesomepeace
I see, I’m sorry I misunderstood.
If you had never told me I would have never know English wasn’t your first language. You are already beating most of the US population =)
I think my OCD is mild. I figure that someone who is ending their life shouldn’t be so concerned with cleaning up and boxing their stuff. I did all the dishes. I’ve got no dirty clothes to speak of and the ferts (and their stuff) are all cleaned up and ready for their new owners.
Yeah, I’m pretty done. Today is the day. I’ll be meeting up with some friends later. Tonight I will go star gazing for the last time. I’ll be in one of my favorite spots out in the middle of nowhere. Even if someone were to find me, I’d be dead before they could reach me (which could work out well for the organ donation thing).
I am curious. I may stalk your posts in a bit. I’m sorry you’ve been over the same old thing here. I am glad you’ve saved lives here. Most people deserve to find happiness and live on and love. You’ve done a great service and I wish I could take your problems with me. It always makes me sad to see that the most intelligent people are so through with life. Those are the people the world needs to keep going.
I don’t know if anyone really knows when they’re beyond saving. The brain is a funny thing and it’s not always straight forward with us. I could get a phone call from someone and they could form some sentence I could have never dreamed of and it may convince me otherwise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not inviting you to try or crying out descretely. It is very comforting to just have a real conversation with someone who understands.
Thank you.
@larissa_s
dunno why your comment just popped up! I missed it.
Thank you, I love that movie!
Hey toxic, seriously, tonight? I would have loved to get to know you! I also have that date in my head but maybe something will happen to me before. Who knows, I might see that light and the end of this tunnel. Don’t know. Can’t even say I’m hoping for it. Knowing that I can die any time I want gives me peace, some rest. It’s a weird feeling. I have already lost someone really close to me. It hurt and badly but I know she has peace so I will never judge anyone making that decision. I wouldn’t anyone to with me either I guess. I’ve spent some time in a hospital after a failed suicide attempt where I first heard of OCD, I must say it seemed like hell to her. Not that I wouldn’t have wanted her to clean up my messy room though 🙂 She was so perfect in everything. Amazing but torturing at the same time. If you wish you could always email me, it’s more private. I have posted my email here a few times, and mostly give my phone number or another method or talking like Skype or viber or We Chat. Some prefer to sticking to email or the chat, some have even used cam. Was kind of fun in a way. How ironic that people who want to die can still have some fun huh? Well, in case you feel like it givemesomepeace@hush.com , if not, I won’t blame you and wish you the brightest sky, and all the best. If you see a shooting star tonight, you can’t die 😛
If I had an anonomous email I’d take you up on that.
I took the day off of from work (how ridiculous right?) so I’ll be around for a bit as I’ve run out of things to prepare. I’m on the chat site now
http://us11.******.com/spprojectt
I’m sorry you lost someone so close and so awesome. It must be hard to get to know people on this site. Relationships are short lived here.
I’ve set a few dates. In my life I’ve set so many dates I couldn’t count them. Recently I set a time this summer but I realized that my method would devastate my friends. I again set the date for Dec. 13th and again on the 20th and again on the 31st. I just couldn’t go through with it because I didn’t have my stuff in order. For the first time in my life I have everything in order and I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
I probably don’t have OCD, I was just picking on myself.
It is oddly refreshing that dead people can joke around and have fun. Never met a group who had more useful things to say about suicide than this group. Though I wasn’t here for very long. Of course if something changes my mind, I’ll check in as soon as possible.