My story has been heard oh so many times before. The only difference in my plot is a new author, new setting, and new rules. To think I’ve heard the same speech over and over again “never expose yourself to others”, and yet that’s exactly what I’ve done. In more way than one of course. Pretty messed up how we do the opposite of what we’re told. I guess that’s our humanity. I’m not one to complain. I see emotions as take it or leave it. My favourite is late at night when the house is quiet and ebony black I stay awake feeling the emptiness of my soul.
Depression is not a new emotion for me. Suicide is no stranger to my actions. Tried and failed, tried and failed, tried and failed more times than I can remember. Now it’s all just a blur. Cutting releases me from the pain I feel deep inside. Except my boyfriend (together going on 8 months) despises this release of mine. He’s been my heaven and my protector throughout this whole time. Even though I’m grateful for him here, it makes dying harder to obtain. He forced me to tell my parents about these thoughts and actions. Following a doctor’s appointment, along with counseling and soon to be psychiatric work.
My doctor prescribed me with anti-depressants, I never take them. Usually my Dad brings it to me at night to take except I slip the pill under my tongue unnoticed and swallow the water. I have a stash of my pills kept hiding in a drawer next to my bed. I don’t want to get better. I want to die, I’ve made up my mind, and it’s impossible to change that.
I’m anti-social, I don’t have many friends. Well none that actually likes me. I don’t mind being this way, I’m not complaining.  I love being alone or with my boyfriend. I have many thoughts always running through my head about suicide. How? Where? When? When I’m in a room, I look around to see if there’s anything I could use to kill myself with right then and there if I wanted to.
I dream of death. The darkness consumes me and I let it. I’m just waiting for the day I’ll finally break, build the courage, and let the darkness take me for eternity.
2 comments
When i was reading this post i thought i wrote it. You describe exactly how i feel. Except the pills, i never took any medicine to get better. Well maybe we are supposed to. I don’t know. I understand the urge for cutting and i have the same, actually i cut myself recently ( after almost 10 months i was let’s say away from the blades). My boyfriend also tried to protect me but i don’t think anyone can 🙁 I guess no one can take away what you feel at these moments. You can talk to me if you want. I’d love to help you and talk things through if you feel like it.
i used to be the same way. being alone just seems right to you . always thinking never have a clear mind.