Is to die for someone else.
I considered writing up some detailed small novel of my story, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m sad, just like everyone else. I’m broken, but not because something broke me, more like I never functioned properly to begin with. I can’t play “the game” like everyone else can, I always lose. So it was and so it shall be, I’ve lost every hand I played up to this point and I can expect to continue to lose or fold every new one for as long as I breathe.
I wish I could die for someone else. Can you fathom the joy I would feel knowing that not only is my sadness coming to an end, but that I’d be giving myself so that someone else may live? The honor. I’d be a hero.
Different people have different strengths and weaknesses. Funny how it turns out mine is loneliness. Something so small, so petty to everyone else, but something to me that makes me want to drive my car off a bridge. I wonder if you could guess my age from my words. This is the same shit emotional teenagers have been killing or cutting themselves over for years, yet I’m no teenager. Even into my 20’s nothing has changed, will my 30’s be the same? I’m certainly no better than them.
Why do I have to keep pressing on alone? Why do I not deserve someone? Those questions are no matter, the real one is why do I have to live on so that the ones who love me don’t feel hurt? How is that fair to me.
I’m in limbo. I haven’t felt alive in so long, Lorraina, what I would give to go back in time a few years with you, but I’m not allowed to die lest I hurt everyone around me. It’s not fair.
I wish I could die for someone else.
4 comments
It’s not just you! A lot of people are lonely in their twenties. Especially with people they know moving to different places, thereby shrinking their social circles. It’s not as uncommon as you think for 20-somethings to suddenly find themselves alone, or to not find romance for a long time.
My best suggestion to you is to simply make friends with a lot of people. Not specifically to find romance but to enjoy each other’s company and occupy your time until the right person comes along. Your chances of finding that person will multiply exponentially by having more people you treasure in your life in general. If things don’t work with the one person, just remain friends (even if it’s awkward to be humbled for a little while), and other options will stay available. Alternatively, I know not just a few but several happily married couples who met through online dating. In this day and age, going online to find a possible romantic partner is not something people should be ashamed of anymore.
As for that fantasy of yours, I’ve had that wish to die for someone else’s sake for a while too, though it had nothing to do with me being alone. If I’m honest, I feel that it’s more about justifying the desire to die, and imparting some kind of lasting meaning to my otherwise useless life. I wonder if this sounds a little familiar? I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of would-be suicides feel that way. In any case, please keep trying, you’re still very young and it’s really just a numbers game. Some people are luckier than others with how easily they can find a partner, but for all those who bother looking, someone will eventually come along.
I wish I could give my life to someone who wants to live.
While I’m considered to be ‘one of those teenagers’ I do feel the things you are saying. dragging yourself through from day to day is getting more and more painfull. The only reason you keep on doing it is because you can’t just hurt the people who seem to care about you for some reason you don’t quite understand..
Dying for someone else would give you the absolution you feel that is needed to make your death acceptable.
I guess I don’t really have something to add, but what else can I do than agree
I thought I was the only one to dream of saving someone like that! I also wish I could give up the remaining time of my life to someone who deserves it… Unfortunately I never found a person worthy to help. The people I know are selfish and hateful. They don’t deserve any more time. I’ve always wondered why the good people always die before the mean… Such irony…