I’ve been suffering with depression for going on 16 years, if not longer. Every year is harder than the last, and this past year has been the worst. I cry myself to sleep thinking about ways to kill myself almost every night, and although I fought it for years, I’ve started cutting myself again, which I haven’t done since I was a kid.
I have a few people in my life who still care about me and I don’t want to hurt them, but I can’t go on like this. Therapy and counselling has been no help, and neither have any of the medications I’ve been through since my diagnosis of severe depression eight years ago. The people in my life who still care try from time to time, but their words of encouragement are like putting a tiny bandaid on a gaping wound.
I live alone, and I’m thinking of taking a few bottles of strong painkillers with a good amount of alcohol and slitting my wrists in the tub. I’ve also considered adding something else to the mix. I don’t want to leave a mess for someone else to have to clean up, and I don’t want to survive as an invalid to further burden anyone. I think I would set up a maintenance appointment for my apartment the following day so they would find me, not someone who actually knows me. I think that would be easier, so no one who knows me would have to see my body.
I keep trying to find excuses and reasons not to go through with this, but with every day that passes, it becomes harder and harder to think of any. I just want this pain to stop.
9 comments
Hello Crane,
I feel your pain…I know it well. I suffered from severe depression for almost 5 decades. Recently I read that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Counselling and therapy will not help if you are not pulling your weight. They are not there to fix you…but rather to guide you…mirror you. Therapists really are just tools afterall. 😀
Fear and Anger are your enemies…do not embrace them. If you are depressed it is because you are emotionally ill. You need to work through those emotions and begin to heal. You need to change. Your mind, your brain, your goals, your understanding. Leave the past behind where it belongs. Start something new…change the way you understand, think or feel about something. One step at a time.
You only truly become a victim when you give up. Stay strong. Look for answers.
Suicide is not a good option. You are here for a reason.
Love and Light
Amakua
Amakua2309, i couldn’t agree with you more young lady. Your comments are always so inspiring. Thanks for seeing your way though life and not forgetting the past. Now, how do you assist good friends that are depressed with enthusiasm when the time is measured in days?
@OnlyLOVEisReal,
I can tell by your username that we are on a similar ray. I came here myself over 2 years ago. I was ready to make my 9th and final attempt. And the bastards here…well they fixed me good. haha I don’t come here much anymore…they fixed me so good I don’t have to. 😀 But sometimes I am invited or I feel compelled for some particular reason to revisit.
Do I have all the answers? Not even close. I am a slow old hippie chick afterall. 😀
But thanks to some very kind Souls…I am atleast on my Path again. Yeah me ! But I will confess…it has been very hard…lots of work…but I’m worth it. And so is every other soul on this planet. 😀
Peace
Ama
ps I appreciate the young lady part…but nope. Old and cranky here. Unless you are Methuselah. haha
I forgot…duh
Let your friend know that you love them no matter what. That you will support them as long as they are willing to fight. If they choose to die…they die alone…but you will still Love them. Actually Teal Scott has a good video no suicide from a spiritual perspective…she neither says it is good or bad…calls it a reset button I believe. haha
No matter…death is merely an illusion…in any way that matters.
The posters before me have made such perspective and wise points. I would like to share two links that I came across today which shed light on an alternative perspective to depression and suicide. The latter of which I have been planning to carry out for several weeks now, but my consciousness is expanding and my mind opening to an awareness beyond the pain and I am realizing that perhaps this years long depression is more of a spiritual matter…a “dark night of the soul†so to speak…
this article is long but very much worth reading. It is called “divine suicide: depressive breakdown as a call to awakening.” – it is online and can easily be searched for by title.
Know that you are NOT alone in what you are feeling. I can relate more than I can express. Somewhere deep inside there is the tiniest fleck of light… I know it is in you too. Please dont let it go out. Please protect your tiny little flame in your heart.
@Tree
That is amazing !!! I am so stealing it. Sorry Crane. Seriously. Have you experienced this. Thank you. I did this myself in Jan. 01. If you don’t mind…I will watch for your posts.
sorry for the hijack Crane
Love and Light
Ama
Hi Ama,
I have read your posts and find that you have such a genuine and authentic voice in these forums and feel you have helped many people- I am certain both here and in the “real” world. It is amazing how those of us who feel pain so deeply also have the capacity to feel love and compassion and to me, that is our gift.
@Ama: What did you do in Jan. ’01 if you dont mind my asking? And did it help?
@crane: I would like to add that it is so often we get caught up in our thoughts and we can get into a loop of sorts where our thoughts are like positively or negatively charged magnets…if too many of them are negative it becomes a cycle- a “groove” in the brain…a commonly used neural pathway which is challenging to break free from. I have been stuck in one of these negative thought patterns here lately and it is really bringing me down. I know I must change my thinking and from there many other things will change- I understand this logically and in theory but it proves to be far more difficult to put into practice. Please let me know if you find a way to break through it yourself…maybe helping others? I am struggling too, Crane.
one more thing Crane: what are some of the reasons you have thought of NOT to carry out a plan to end your life? I would love to hear them. Maybe they can inspire me as well…
@ Tree
They tell me that when you have another convo on someone else’s post…that is called a hijacking. Please feel free to come and visit one of my posts…or I will come to one of yours. I’m sorry I don’t have time to explain it all tonight…but I am tired and the minions of Hell are at my heels. haha To put it succinctly…till we meet again. I died.
Love and Light
Ama