Anxiety is killing me slowly

I’m 29 years old now. I started to experience feelings of depression and anxiety when I was in gr.7. Had my first full blown breakdown in gr.11 and since then I’ve been fighting to stay alive. While finishing my first degree I work at the university as a computer lab assistant. The work was easy enough and the pay was good. I sold top quality dog food on the side line as well. While accumulating customers to sell to, my feelings of anxiety was so bad that I developed Shingles. Every exam I wrote was hell. I studied from 7 in the morning to 6 at night, everyday for two months before any exam. Broke down in my second year of studies, but went back the next year to continue my studies. I rather outgoing when in the company of people I know, but struggled to make friends at university, always being too shy to talk to anyone. I didn’t feel I had the courage to join any groups either. Any spare time i had at university was spend studying in the library. After the hell of getting my first degree I had to move away from my old city to a new one with my parents.

I started to study long distance. That was even worse. I did not have the two sources of income I had previously, no friends and we lived in a shitty area with little job opportunities. So for four years I did pretty much the following: Make study notes, completed assignments, play computer games to get my mind off the shit I was feeling inside. Thoughts of suicide and the ways I could do it filled my head. I wanted to die, but could not bring myself to do it. I had to complete 6 subjects for my honors in Psychology, and I could only manage to do 2 a year. Some might say, hey dude why did you not just stop the studies and try to find a job. I don’t know. I just felt that I started something and had to finish it. After getting my honors degree I got a opportunity to go to the army to do work in a medical field. I also moved in with my brother so that I at least didn’t have to stay with my parents anymore and I was closer to my friends.

I was so optimistic. I trained for months to get myself fit and healthy. I stopped smoking a made sure I was able to jog 2.4 km/1.5 miles in 12 minutes and do all the push ups and sit ups the army wanted from us. I passed all the fitness tests the first time but the conditions we had to live in was horrible. It was winter and we only had cold water to shower in. We barely slept because the hanger we slept had 2 meter high dividers between rooms with an open roof to the hanger’s ceiling. Even if you switch off the lights above your section, lights from other sections would still shine in your eyes. As the days went on I felt myself breaking more and more inside. I couldn’t cope later on and had to drop out. A perfect opportunity to get my life in order pissed away by anxiety and depression. And some more guilt added to my already flourishing resume.

When I got home and felt a bit better I applied for a job in the psychometry field. The program only started in 6 months time and luckily I got a job as a team leader for a marketing company. We would go to different shopping centers and promote products people had to buy to get a chance to spin an wheel and win some prizes. Being my super duper sad looking self I almost lost this job after the first weekend I got it. Apparently the store manager didnt think I smiled enough to the customers and my boss wondered if she wanted me to stay on. I promised her that I would smile more and do a better job. After a while i just learned how to handle store managers and my boss better even if i was feeling like dying inside. Everyday I would make sure i greet the store manager with a happy face and ask him/her if he/she was happy with the job we were doing and told them to tell me if they are unhappy with anything. When my boss would call to find out how things were going I would make sure to sound extra happy. When she would hang up I would just go on as normal. It’s all about finding a way to bullshit your boss to get off your back.

I did the promotions for 6 months before and then started with a training in psychometry (June 2012). Psychometry is a field where you do psychological assessments on people and write reports on the results you found. e.g. If you did not know what career you want to follow, I would do a personality and/or interest assessment on you to find out what type of careers fit best with your personality and interests. We are not psychologists. Any ways. I did my internship at a motor company. The people there were very chilled. So chilled that I really feel that I receive shitty training. I was a situation where we did assessments on people, wrote reports, the supervisor looked at our reports, changed everything and send it of to who every asked for the assessment. We never saw the finished reports or had training to improve our writing skills. We were to afraid to complain and just held on to finish our internship there. After the internship we had to write board exam before we could register as psychometrists.

The was another exam and another time of hell. I can work hard at what I do, and the more comfortable I feel about something the better I’m at it. usually. Like I said, when I study for an exam, that is almost the only thing I do. I get up early and study till late. I don’t drink much if anything at all because I dont want to dull my mind. There would be days where I would study less or not at all to give myself a break. But I would never go away for a weekend during my studies. I was so afraid i would forget something and had to study it from the start. Keeping track of what I’ve learned was hard. I mean it really feels like some people would start to study for and exam 2 weeks before they had to write and then get good marks for it. It’s like their memory was excellent. They also never complained or felt like going insane. They just cruised through it like it was nothing. How? How do they do it?

While studying for my exams I remember feeling like crap. I suddenly had difficulty concentrating and remembering. I really felt that was it. I was so tired and had had enough.  I just wanted everything to end. For a week a walked around not telling anyone about my situation. When i wanted to do the deed eventually I just sat there staring into nowhere. Just thinking, how did things get this way? Why can’t I get ahead? Why am I so completely and utterly fucked? I prayed and prayed and prayed for release. Never felt any.

At one stage I thought, well I can at least try even if I fail. I started to study from scratch. It was hard. Good days bad days. I wrote and passed 72%. You had to get 70% or higher. Now I search for a job. My job specs are so specific that its hard to find a job for someone like me who is still relatively new in the business. Everywhere I look they want a person who studied HR and have a million years of experience. I’m so tired. Feel guilty, sad, depressed, scared fearful etc. etc. etc. I don’t feel like my training was good enough. I have to go for interviews and sell myself to people. But all i feel is sick to my stomach. I have zero self confidence. I cant even look my brother in the eyes anymore. He works so hard and has his own shit to handle. My 3 older siblings does the following: one is a CA top of his class. one is in IT but also have a degree in Computer Engineering. My sister has her own business fitting prosthetic limbs and making shoes for deformed people. All successful all hard working. It’s only me with the shit in my head that can’t fucking seem to get my shit together. I fucking hate it, and i hate myself.

I sit and try to get my interview answers in order and thinking of things they are likely to ask like: “You worked and studied from 2003 to 2006, then you took 4 years to do a 2 year course without working anywhere? What da fuck is up with that son???” I feel like I lie when i sell myself to people.

I went to see a guy last week. He suppose to be a psychologist of some sort. Let’s call him Richard cause he was a real Dick. Richard wanted to know about my history so i told him. When i mentioned i experience depression and anxiety he stopped me right there and made me understand that there is no such thing as depression like i’m explaining it. There is no brain damage, no chemical imbalance nothing like that. The reason why I feel depressed, according to Dick, was because i experience certain feelings and hide it in my subconscious. the feelings build up and then I start to feel depressed. Bullshit Dick don’t you blame me for this shit. I’m trying my best to stay alive and you come and tell me that im doing this to myself? Why wouldn’t i want to be happy all the time? Why wouldn’t i make the most of chances i’ve been given instead of rolling up into a little ball and crying myself to sleep. Screw you Dick.

Can’t look my parents in the eye anymore. My mother call and I don’t pick up. They love me but I do disappoint them. In a time where they should be enjoying there silver years i’m still stuck in square one. I fucking hate this life. I envy dead people. Wish I could give my life to someone who could really use it. I so tired of feeling this way. I’m so scared.