when I was 13 i was living with my nan and aunt I because my father and I did not get along very well. Â I when I was 14 my grandma passed away from Lung cancer and Noone in my family Delt with it very well, and sadly it never really did get better. She looked and acted so young before the chemo.
my aunty was the most effected by my nans death, she acted fine but had also recently lost her husband to suicide so I can’t imagine how she felt really. well maybe now I can but back then I couldn’t. She looked after me and she really understood my mind fraMe. Or maybe I understood hers. I dunno. a bit after my 16th birthday she decided to end her life. She parked her car on the train track and waiteso sit never really got better, only for little bits.
I feel like I am truly insane sometimes. I know what I must do to live a happy life and have a happy mind frame, bu it’s all bullshit and forcing yourself to have a smile. I can’t do it.
four days ago the only person who makes me feel secure and happy, gave up on me. And now I feel I have no body.
but the worst thing is I don’t want purgatory and I don’t want to guilt of killing myself and doing to my younger siblings what my Aunty and to me. I wish I ddidn’t care.
im alone but I don’t feel alone when I read all your posts.
9 comments
You said it yourself – the loneliness hurts probably more than anything else but it helps to come here and read the posts. Therein lies the key. This blog is one place to connect with others but not the only place. Try not to limit yourself to online places to connect with people. It might feel safe but it is also impersonal. And it doesn’t allow people to really touch each other – I don’t mean just physical touch but there is a level of sharing and feeding the needs of your soul and spirit that can only come from looking into someone’s eyes, seeing their expressions and hearing their voice. I sense that you need that more than anything right now.
I’m happy you don’t feel alone when you come here. You will find lots of people here that will help you and listen to your story. There is even a ****** forum if you wish to talk about it. I’m sorry that I can’t help you out too much right now. I’m nearing the end of my mental strength. I wish you all the best. You have gone a lot.
*gone through, I can’t even seem to type straight anymore, anyway, keep your head up
Thank you so much for still being able to brighten my hopes even though you feel so low. I really hope you can stick at it, but even if you can’t I hope you find true peace, that’s what we all want and need and people like you deserve it.
You’re correct 🙁 I love the thought of being able to actually finally connect with people who are in the depths with their thoughts like I am, but to actually be able to have a real friend who understood would be way too good to be true. Thank you so much for replying
I have met some pretty amazing people here. Some who I don’t even agree with but respect nonetheless. I would give you the advice that many have given me, try to talk as much as you can about how you feel. People will read it and some will find themselves, not always admitting it, in the same situation. That being said, making friends shouldn’t be the first priority. For me this is a place where people just read what I feel, the frustration, anger, pain. And that by itself is helpful. And if I can make some friends here who truly understand, I’m sure you can too 😉
The thing I lack is an easy way to get the words from my brain out my mouth. Thank you friend you have really made me feel not so alone already.
Dear Plum,
Do not smile the fake smile. Be yourself and search out the meaning and happiness in that is here for you. Use those two great souls as examples of love and try to emulate them. Learn from their challenges and find ways to cope with the pain. Much like you are doing through reading and writing. you are not alone. There is a community here to listen, and you will find people in the flesh to be with around you. they are out there. So far you have found a few on your journey. I know there are more out there. with more practice you will find it easier to articulate your thoughts.
You are so lovely for replying to me, I need to love myself and slowly find people who love me. I’m glad to know they’re out there somewhere. I hope the night treated you well for your kind deed today:)