well hi my name is Natalie and i’m new to this. um… iv’e been feeling kind of down.. what hurts the most is when someone tells you, ” you have nothing to be depressed about”. i bet a lot of you know how that feels. nobody really understands how hard this is, how hard it is to breath, to wake up in the morning, to wake up at all. nobody really knows what your going until its way to late… nobody will ever get it. how much it all hurts, the big decision of deciding if its the right time to say goodbye.. or is it not?
sometimes you don’t even know your own feelings until something comes up that just adds all these weird feelings, you feel so hopeless. and live less.
whats the point of living if your not really alive? some people feel ” fake suicidal ” and that just makes me mad cause they really don’t know what it feels like to hurt. pain, all the time. everyday of every second of your life.
feeling like there’s nothing left to live for..the day i kill myself, nobody will know.
i hate that i have a bipolar disorder……… i feel to confused on what to do. so many emotions over powering me. the devils taking this battle seriously, and i’m about ready to let him have me. people say things get better. but until when? when everything goes RIGHT back to the way it was. My baby brother was born 3 days ago, and my baby sister is one years old, and they are my reason for life. to keep fighting, but since my mom gave up on me, now living with my sister, i barely see them and it hurts more then anything. it feels horrible not to be able to be around the ones who can actually save your life. nobody knows how serious i am. its not a joke. i really want to die. but alright. when it does happen, i don’t want ANYONE to say anything.
i use to have moments when i’d get really sad, and that’s all.. normal. until i started feeling numb. until i no longer felt pain, but felt NOTHING. nothing at all. i haven’t seen my therapist in months and shes the only person who knows everything about me, i know she possibly doesn’t care about me, shes just doing her job, but in my world. shes a lot more then just a therapist… shes my savior. iv’e been telling everyone i’m OK… is that wrong?
going back to my old ways of hiding everything, where it got me nowhere. when i finally spoke up i ending up in a crisis center, a place where you want to harm yourself or others. in my case i was ready to finally go, until i ended up in the hospital then taken to a mental hospital , 6 days into it my mom wanted me to leave.. for her benefit, not for my well being. i wasn’t ready, 6 days isn’t enough to cure 11 years of my life and that wasn’t Or to me. but i always did try too do what she wanted, maybe she’ll be proud of me for once. love me a little more. i thought maybe if i did what she wanted all this would go away. i always got negative comments from my mother and older sister. every time i felt like committing suicide i told them so they could maybe be there for me and all they said was ” do it.” nobody cares. i’m always there for everyone else even if i cant even follow through with my own advice, life just sucks you know??
I guess this is it for night. good night you lovely people. an thank you for reading this <33333
3 comments
Hello Natalie,
I will start with a bit of advice for future posting: if you’re going to show your cuts, then please place “Warning – May trigger” beneath the topic title. It’s a courtesy thing as some people on here have committed self harm of some sort and it may adversely affect them.
Okay, that’s outta the way. I think you’re brave for showing us your cuts though as I’m sure most people would prefer to keep them hidden from others. I feel as if you’re going through a lot of emotional pain at this time and I do hope that if you cannot open up to someone in your personal life, then you’ll choose to do so on here. About your therapist, I know a girl who shared her worst thoughts with a school guidance councillor and actually confided everything into her, she inexplicably has the upmost respect for her and yet she was “just doing her job.”
I cannot believe that your own family would encourage you to commit suicide, it goes against everything that family stands for! Well, ignore them and I do hope you get to see your younger siblings sometime soon. Give life at least one more year to change around, then you can think of an exit strategy if it comes to that, okay?
Thank you for sharing and do take care, Natalie.
Hello Natalie,
I agree with RougeLonesome above.. You were so brave showing your cuts. not many people have the courage to do so..
As far as the rest of it goes. I seriously know what it’s like..to wonder why you are existing, what is the point of life and feel anger towards those who just say “oh, its fine..move on” or “oh this is just one phase and not life as a whole” or those who like you said maybe “fake suicidal” for some sympathy or some attention!
They don’t know what it’s like but people over here do..about the hopelessness, that feeling of everything going bad, not being good enough for your parents so just keep sharing whatever it is that you feel!
You don’t need people patronizing you.. just understanding that life’s a bit darker than they imagine.. hope that helped 🙂
You are very brave and I know how all of that stuff is. I suffered from drepression and cutting. If you would like to talk to me about anything or if your just in a bad place at some point just send me a kik. Mr_Cookie_Dough