Since my ‘time’ has finally come, its only suitable that I contribute something back to this site after reading however many posts over the past few months. Months, that’s quite a long time from my perspective, when I don’t even remember what happened a few days ago (I’m sure it was the same nothingness that every day of my life is). In an attempt to not make this dwell on for too long I’ll try and cut it short…it is the internet after all:
TL;DR: Dead now, shotgun-to-backOfThroat
As far as my childhood goes, I had a few friends here and there, got upset relatively often (like most kids), and started hating my father at the age of four, leaving notes to myself at my bedside: “Remember to hate your father tommorow.” I got sucked up into runescape and one day made the grave decision of ditching my best friend in lieu of more videogame time (i only ever went to see him anyways, that’s how it is with everyone in my life).
4th to 5th grade my parents moved out of the city and onto a farm and i dropped a year of schooling under the guise of being ‘homeschooled’, I played videogames an entire year…after we got electricity anyways.
Middle through highschool i was smarter than everyone around me, fit in well and got along with everyone, but never had “friends” and lived 4 miles away from everyone. Graduated a year early (I was the only one) to “pick up” the year I’d left behind, and get away from the principal who threatens to beat me after my parents have me on a ‘do-not-beat’ list =/
Screwed around for a half-year limboing between realizing I can’t live in NY because its a slum and even if i worked my ass off anyways I couldn’t afford a cheap ass apartment, thinking about joining the military, ditching my highschool internet-fiance of 2 years after finding out she was REALLY too fat for my taste (what a waste….), wanting to join the military just to get killed, realizing that they’d make me do a psych for the two small scars on my wrist (why the hell did i even tell them that…), ditching the military lest i fail a psych and be labeled as ‘chronically depressed’ or whatever bullshit, and deciding to go to a community college (thats where i am now). Turns out, since everything starts in the fall, waiting a half-year cost me a full year, so now i’m a year beh’ind everyone again (but who’s keeping track).
Up until now I’ve just been trying to find someone to replace the fiance I’d given up on, and after having no luck for a year, and a half, or so, finally gave up trying. Found someone again, of course, but they’re too busy working to talk to me, and wont ever text me since they’re on their parents plan…figures…I’m not even worth buying a cell phone to text…
From here, I’m left with the option of continuing to go through college, learning something I hate doing that I’ll be good at and is marketable (programming) for no reason besides ‘hope’ that I’ll find a reason (someone? that’s all that would make what I’m working for worthwhile) or killing myself. I could work minimum-wage as well, but I wouldn’t really pull through. My parents don’t really care when I tell them I want to kill myself, or they just stare at me dumb and say ‘why?’ o-o
I can’t join the military, I can’t keep learning and working towards a future I don’t want to be in, I can’t stop thinking about the shotgun [that was] in my closet, and half my nights I go to bed with the honest thought: “I hope I don’t wake up tommorow morning.”
Like everyone, I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to die, I want to live on and be happy, but since that’s impossible, then what? Suicide is the only option that I can accept for myself; the only thing that makes us different than animals is rational thought: “I do this because i want to” or “I do this because its right”. I don’t want to stay in college, its not really ‘right’ or not to stay in college, I don’t want to make anything of myself, I just want to be happy somewhere, but I can’t. I’ve heard the debate “suicide isn’t a choice”, but as much awareness there is about it, that’d only be true if you were mentally incapable; of course suicide is a choice, everything is a choice, that’s what makes us human. If a thug stabs a lion with a knife, the lion kills him, or at least tries to. If a thug stabs a person with a knife, the person…what? The person does whatever he wants: he might try to rip out the guy’s guts or gouge his eyes out with his bare hand, he might cry like a little girl and give away all his money and beg for his life, or he might be sick of life, laugh at the person that stabbed him, and fall on his face, dead. Where do i fit in all this? If i were this person, I’d have no magical eye-gouging or gut-ripping abilities, hardly any money, or ‘sense’ to care enough about my life to try and preserve it, and no reason to stay alive besides fake hopes and dreams that aren’t even worth accomplishing since they might take my whole life, or longer.
Well, I guess that’s all…I’m so sick of trying to be better, but being myself doesn’t cut it, especially when i have virtually no friends (or relatives, that i give a half a shit about). If there’s a hell, I can’t wait to get there already, since I’m blindly obsessed and anxious to get to wherever I’ll be in life as soon as I can, whether it be where I want to be or not. Goodbye.
The suggested tags were kind of funny…”New York eye-gouging principal”…I wonder if that’s intended; oh well, I’ll leave it at that; technology at it’s worst :p
1 comment
why dont you just get a van and go on a roadtrip. seriously. that’s what i think im going to do. after all this confusion as to what i want to do, after receiving offers from unis, i decided that im just going to travel, who’s going to stop me?