Every day, I wish I was dead. All I know is that I once had a life in another place with a family that cared about me. I’m not to allowed to remember any of that. Nor am I allowed to remember all the horrible decisions that I made and the crimes that I committed to end up here on “earth”. I wonder every day what was different about me as a young man. I wonder why I didn’t follow the rules or care about law and order like everyone else who enjoys a good life by following the golden rule. I wonder what went wrong in my own mind that set me on a path to destruction. I know I’m not going to get an answer. The family that once cared about me now hates me to the degree that they wont even allow me to die. They hate me so bad that they want me to live forever in agony for the deeds that I disrespected them with. I had to learn the hard way that the authorities are capable of an evil greater than any one person could ever be. Do the wrong thing and you are punished in a manner that is so brutal and hateful it makes you wish you were never born. Now I’m told that this is what I deserve. I only wonder why I “deserved” to have ever been born me to begin with. I feel like I was handed a double edged sword the day I was born. Be good and follow the rules and you will enjoy a good life. Be bad and betray the authorities and you will wish you had never been born. I was “crazy, insane, stupid” enough not to heed this warning. Morally incompetent? Why didn’t I listen and learn? Why didn’t I care? Why was I full of anger and spite towards my brothers and sisters? Whatever it was about me, I wonder why I “deserved” to be me. Clearly I made so many wrong decisions that it became the way I thought and acted. They stepped in and taught me how to live a different way and I fell right back into making the same mistakes that led me to disaster the first time. Free will and the power to make decisions are probably regarded as sacred among a free, happy people. Now I’m broken and on my knees begging the authority I betrayed to just kill me and end my miserable life. I know it was me that was wrong. I did not listen to you when I should have and it ended in disaster. If you think I’m not sorry or remorseful about it, you are wrong. That’s all I feel anymore. I’m sure they told me that I would feel that way if I kept going the way I was. And once again, I didn’t listen. I talk about this authority like it is my enemy when it is my own family. I know it was me that made them turn into this evil persecutor that I am facing.