i havent updated in a while i have been in hospital

meh i want to take my life right at this moment take all my pills and stab myself so i could never feel any more pain and that goes through my head everyday and i cut my self more and more deeper and depper just hoping i have taken my last cut my last hit i am on my last stand what is life with out joy life has been cruel and so have i and i regret it all but now im stood here with three bottles of aspirin and four packs of pain killers and i really want nothing but the best for you and hope life has been nice to you but i have lost everything i cant smile without it hurting and wen i laff its all fake i will never smile or laff like a normal kid i know that all i am is pain and hatred and all i have to live for is the chance to be with my mom but i know that will never happen and the way people make me feel is devastating as i look through my life the best times of my life was when i was sat there cutting my self they say love can fix anything but how can it fix you when you cant feel anything and the pain burns you from the inside they say people can find true happiness well i have been inside my self and all i found was more pain and hurt and lost memories and love cant change what you have seeen or have felt all it can dois mask it because everywhere you go all you see is joy and happy couples and that is something you could never have because when you try to be happy it makes things worse going through life pretending your fina and dandy but inside you no ur not and have never felt joy or anything its all masked with pain and suffering so with this final stand i will give it a month and see if i still hurt and if i cant feel anything then i will finsh it all with one quick flash and a very loud bang and then feel with peace in eternal sleep where i cant get hurt no more and i dont know how i lost it all but ino that the happiest day of my life will be the day i die every child is just waiting for that feel good day the one where everychild is happy their birthday but my birth day is another day of grief every thing is the same the same sad songs the same sad life just plodding through until you realise that y im saying goodbye to the world